Tag Archives: Single Parent

Google Search Questions: Separation

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I drew this so you can't sue me.

I drew this so you can’t sue me.

Many blogs take questions from their search referrals and answer them. It’s sort of a truly Anonymous Q & A thing. They usually end up being pretty funny too. I have always wanted to do one for my blog so I went through and took a good look at my search terms. Almost every single one of the questions that has led people here are regarding divorce and/or separation. So, no humorous Q&A today but it’s important to me. Here are the search terms I’ve gotten about Separation.

Before anything else, I’m not a psychologist. Or a counselor. Or a social worker. Or a lawyer. Or a paralegal. Or even a law student. I’m just a girl who got pregnant at 22, married the baby daddy at 23, had a second child at 25, a third child at 27, got separated at 28, and got divorced at 30. And while I think it’s great you’re taking the initiative to look up the answers to some really important questions, my number one suggestion is to find a way to get yourself professional help as you cope with this insane time period– emotionally and legally.

Q: What good does a separation?

A: Well divorce can be a really complicated and drawn-out process especially when children and/or major assets are concerned. Some people are on different levels of how much they want a divorce. Separation lets them ease into it if that’s where they end up. It can also let them see they don’t really want a divorce as much as they may have thought and can lead them back together with some professional help.

Q: How do people feel during a separation?

A: The better question is how do people NOT feel during a separation and the answer to that is– Secure. A separation pretty much guarantees a roller coaster of emotion. You can feel freedom, panic, joy, sadness, control, loss, confidence, doubt, and so on and so forth in one hour. But the one thing you never really feel during a separation is security because you’re basically in one big giant Limbo.

Q: What is the next thing to do during separation?

A: Live your life and push for resolution one way or another. Don’t let things linger. If you have kids get a child support agreement filed immediately. You don’t need a divorce to have a child support agreement in place with the court. If you guys get back together, you can let the court know and remove it but if you do go ahead with the divorce, you’ve already got the hardest thing done. It’s also a good way to really put things in perspective for both of you.

Q: How to relax during a separation?

A: You know, there was a time in your life where your current partner wasn’t in your life. Try and think back to those times for some ideas. If you’re having problems, think about your childhood. What kinds of things did you like doing as a kid? Playing with clay? Riding a bike? Coloring? Video games? Reading? Try some of those out and see how it works. And if none of that works, get a new hobby. I learned to crochet during my separation. It was a real boost in many ways.

Q: What things should you not do during a separation?

A: Self-medicate in any form. Seriously. There’s no need to drown your sorrows in a torrid vice. You feel like crap and that’s ok. I also would probably advocate avoiding romance for a while. Oh and don’t watch romantic movies, even if they’re romantic comedies. Also, don’t expect your friends and family to understand you or to be completely supportive. Don’t expect other relationships to stay the same as they were when you and your partner were together. Crumbling relationships and the completely stressed out people in them scare people and make them really uncomfortable. Also don’t try to be Superhuman and try and maintain things exactly the way before. That was a household with two heads, this is a household with one head even if it does end up being temporary.

Q: How do, and when will, I feel better after a separation?

A: Get resolution. Limbo sucks and seriously the longer time you’re apart, the less likely you are to get back together again. Make a decision. If your partner is putting off the decision process, it’s up to you to take matters in your own hands. A person who truly, unconditionally loves you will not do you the injustice of leaving you wondering if your life has completely changed forever.

Q: How long should you cry after a separation?

A: As long as you want to. Just remember, get help when you find yourself in this situation because if you start to go over the edge, a professional can help you avoid hitting rock bottom.

Q: What do I do after separation?

A: Whatever you want to and whatever you need to. But I strongly suggest doing things your partner would not enjoy doing. Those little moments can be a lot of fun and eye-opening. If your partner’s vegetarian, make a non-vegetarian friendly meal for yourself. If your partner hates a particular color, buy yourself a t-shirt in it. Little things.

Q: What shouldn’t I think after a separation?

A: That there’s something wrong with you. That you’re a loser. That if you just get skinnier, your partner will take you back. That if you change everything about you, you’ll be better for that person and that you CAN make it work after all that.

Q: How to feel good about separation?

A: Who says you have to? It’s not a great situation to be in by any means. I guess you could see it as an opportunity to truly understand the relationship you committed to in a way you never would otherwise. If you initiated the separation, you can maybe understand what life without them would be like and if that’s really what the problem is. If you were the one separated from, you get to see the person you committed to in a new light and maybe re-evaluate your own feelings.

Q: How to deal with up and down feeling after separation?

A: You let em ride as much as you can. Many doctors will offer you some sort of temporary medication to help “even you out”. I never took that route, but it’s definitely a viable option if the swings are particularly chaotic. Try not to fight them too much and try to maintain perspective. Be self-aware. When you go into a particularly deep dark place, remember the ride out of it will be high and worthwhile.

Q: Will I be ok after separation?

A: Yes. Better than ok. Eventually. But yes. Absolutely.

Readers, what would you add to this? You guys are all-knowing and wise so I bet you can throw in some pretty good tidbits as well.

Quiet Thoughts

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boston-medal-black-band

By mamamockingbird77

I had planned to jump on here Monday afternoon and catch you up on stuff– my nice weekend and things like that. But I was stunned into silence at 3 in the afternoon.

A couple days later, I’m still feeling quiet. But that doesn’t mean things cease to happen.

Re: Books

I finished The Fairy Godmother last night which was a cute little twist on Cinderella– definitely original. If you’re in the mood for cute, read it. It does a pretty good job of addressing fairy tale stereotypes. Not a perfect job, mind you, but a decent one at least.

This morning, I started Ready Player One. I’m no more than 20 pages in and I love it. I don’t know if I’ll stay loving it but right now, I love it. I love it good.

Even more books came in from the library as well, Refuse to Choose as recommended by Single Mom Rich Mom, and Wonderstruck.

Re: Child Support

Still ongoing. Still shouldn’t say anything about it. I want to. There is stuff. Unrelated to the motion, but related to child support– Remember the whole thing about the IRS garnishing his refund? I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever see that money. It hasn’t shown up nearly two months later. A lady at the state attorney’s office told me that if it was a significant amount of money, they would hold it and ask him to confirm it and then release it. And then if he doesn’t confirm it, they go through a separate process. Apparently, it has to do with them wanting to make sure the tax return isn’t fraudulent because if it is, I have to return it. At least, that’s what she told me. I can’t find anything about it online. Everything else says simply, three to five weeks. So… yeah

Re: Programming

The semester is wrapping up and it looks like I won’t be able to take another class until next year. The summer schedules are complete poop and the Fall is not going to work for me at all. So I have to start coming up with a plan on what to do before then. I know one thing for sure, I can’t give up programming because I’ll lose everything I’ve learned. I just wish I knew programmers. I’ve met a few online on Google+ and have been getting feedback from them but sometimes I feel like I don’t even know the questions to ask. I am going to work on CodeAcademy for sure and I think I might tinker with Scratch for a while. I just want to get to the point where I can come up with little programs and run them. I especially think of games for my kids. Remember Choose Your Own Adventure?

Re: Kids

They’re awesome. Last week, we signed up for DIY.org but because it was their dad’s weekend, we haven’t really done much with the site. Going to have to change that though. Have you guys seen that site? If you have kids, you MUST check it out. They will love it. Especially if they’re curious and/or tinkerers. It’s Kid-Safe and it’s like a Pinterest for kids but BETTER. My youngest two are coughing and stuff so I’m combating with allergy meds and cough medicine. Other than that though, I think everything’s ok.

Re: Crochet

I finished a top for my mom I’d been making for months. And then she tried it on and it doesn’t fit her right on top. So I started taking it apart at the top. I’m going to redo the top in a smaller hook size and see how that works out but I’m really sad it’s all screwed up. I’ve been working on it since October. I also started working on Daughter’s Communion Dress. I have a year for that one but wanted to get it going. Sizing in crochet is tricky.

crochet lacy top

Re: You

How are you? What has been going on in your world?

The “Shirt”

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A few weeks ago, Daughter came back from her dad’s house wearing a really hideous shirt. It was loud and had vinyl hearts on it and this ruffle but then it had this bizarre back that scooped up showing her lower back. I did not like it at all. Way too sexy for a little girl you know?

This is the shirt Daughter wore from her dad's house

This is the shirt Daughter wore from her dad’s house

So, last night while they were in Karate, I went into their rooms to clean out their drawers and get rid of clothes that was in really bad condition, or too small. Before, when the child support was gone I hesitated letting go of ANY clothes because you just never know right? So I pulled this shirt to donate it too. And that’s when I wondered what size it was anyways because it looked small on her too. And that’s when I found the tags…

The tags on Daughter's "shirt"

The tags on Daughter’s “shirt”

Oh I laughed. I almost cried, but I laughed instead. And I called my mom and told her and she laughed/cried too. Because honestly you guys, what else can I do?

 

2013 Books So Far

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Library Day 0402 Library Day 0322

Books. I love them. They make me happy. They take me far, far, far away. And I like that. This year is, so far, a book-heavy year with a significant emphasis on flights of fancy. Which makes a lot of sense. When the real world becomes uncomfortable and stressful, it’s nice to run away as fast as you can. And the way I do that isn’t by drinking myself into oblivion or losing myself into a video game, or dropping acid, or smoking weed, or cosplay, or anything other than reading my eyes out.

In 2011, I read 55 out of my targeted goal of reading 60 books. In 2012, I set a goal to read another 50 but fell short and ended up with only 36. And I remember being unhappy about that because I really wanted to read more but things like depression and stress were really messing with me. Oh and school. So for this year, I settled on a more realistic goal of 40 although honestly I’d like to blow that one out of the water. So far, my pace is great. I’m 7 books ahead of schedule and am receiving a steady stream of books from the library.

By the way, for my fellow nosy book lovers, I am on Goodreads of course and also I made a little widget at Amazon, it’s right under my tag cloud on the right hand side. Every time I pick up books from the library, I add them there. I think it’s pretty since it scrolls through them all.

If you’re not interested in click through at all that, here are the books I have read so far and brief blurbs I wrote about them on Goodreads.

  1. The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown: 3/5 stars I didn’t write a blurb for this on Goodreads, so I’ll write one now. It’s a nice lighthearted read. With the heavy amounts of Shakespeare I studied in college, I appreciated the love of the bard that was spread everywhere. This isn’t one of those groundbreaking novels but it’s not a waste of time either. This is light fare, perfect for the spring and summer activities of lazing about.
  2. God Save the Queen by Kate Locke: 3/5 stars Hooray for fluffy and fun reading in an alternate universe. I always like it when lesser explored monsters are developed in books and in this case we get a good look at Goblins. Interesting idea of how these monsters develop and exist. I like the monster-ridden alternate universe very much actually. Main character is fun but sort of stereotypical bad assish. But I enjoyed her little twist.
  3. The Tent by Margaret Atwood: 3/5 stars Enjoyable tiny little snippets of Atwood writing. But I found it left me wanting. And I wonder if Atwood shares my brain because a lot of these things echo many bizarre little thoughts I’ve had myself. I like her novels better or her well developed essays. These are like interesting little fragmentations of her brain.
  4. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg: 4/5 stars Super super super interesting. And while extremely insightful I also found it to be discouraging. As much as it shows you why and how habits exist, it also seems to enforce how freaking hard they are to break out of.
  5. The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan: 4/5 stars FINALLY things are starting to make sense and our familiar Percy is back. Fun read. I am loving the tour of the country, especially Alaska.
  6. The Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan: 4/5 stars Sucks me right in with these books every single time. Now that I’m older these passionate young romances annoy the heck out of me but I get why they’re there I suppose. Still it bugs me these authors are so driven to write the greatest love story ever told as it unfolds with a couple of teens. But that’s me being an old fart. I am enjoying the twist of Athena versus Minerva and how that causes so many rifts. The Arachne storyline was unexpected as far as I never imagined her as a major villain but it makes perfect sense. Can’t wait for the conclusion.
  7. The Serpent’s Shadow by Rick Riordan: 3/5 stars Fun conclusion to this series. I don’t think it’s as well done as the Percy Jackson but I have a feeling it’s because of the obscurity of the Egyptians. Which is sad because I think they are more interesting than the Greco-Roman but when it comes to the books the other ones are better. Still fun to read. I always had a soft spot for the Egyptians.
  8. Gregor the Overlander by Suzanne Collins: 3/5 stars Alright. Very rushed. Shallow characters. Entertaining. My son loved it.
  9. Who Could That Be At This Hour? by Lemony Snicket: 4/5 stars I am silly and didn’t realize this was a series in the making so I was surprised by the loose ends. I love Lemony Snicket’s style. The vocabulary is great. I love that my son reads these and really encourage any parent to get these books into their kids hands ASAP
  10. Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore: 4/5 stars Didn’t write anything for this one either. Crazy storyline. Not Suitable For Young People You Don’t Want Seeing Fetish Nakedness! the ending was… confusing. It made me feel dumb, like I wasn’t getting the joke. Which I think is good because maybe that means I’m not psycho.
  11. Old Man’s War by John Scalzi: 4/5 stars Great book. Very hard to put down, very easy to read. This is one of those books where I sensed a subtle shift in something towards at the end. It happens a lot in serialized books I’ve noticed. This one came right at the end but still picked up on it. It’s a pet peeve but this was hardly a noteworthy offender.
  12. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman: 4/5 stars Great story. Not appropriate for younger crowds but ok for high school and up. Adding: For young people, I like Stardust better. For older people, I like American Gods better. I really, really, really loved American Gods.
  13. The Belgariad, Volume One by David Eddings: 4/5 stars So much fun… I am desperately waiting for Volume Two at the library. Also, this one is appropriate for younger crowds. Going to let my son read it if he wants to. I have a girl crush on Lady Polgara.
  14. Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce: 3/5 stars It was a fun read and the rest of the series looks interesting. I wasn’t completely hooked by it to keep reading but because so many recommended the series, I’ll probably go on to the next one. Definitely refreshing to see girls saving the boys!
  15. The Belgariad, Volume Two by David Eddings: 3/5 stars Fun fantasy series for sure. I liked the first three books better than the last two. I felt the last two got overly fluffy and drawn out. Once it was clear what had to happen, let’s just get to it instead of all this dilly-dallying! :D Also I could do without the whole You get a wife! And you get a wife! And you get a wife! Good job everybody! You’re all winners and these wives are your prizes! WOO HOO!
  16. The Charmed Sphere by Catherine Asaro: 3/5 stars Fun and fluffy for sure. Doesn’t leave you hanging at the end of the book which is a relief but it doesn’t really leave you wondering about what could happen next. Interesting concept of magic for what it’s worth.
  17. Redshirts by John Scalzi: 3/5 stars I thought the book was a pretty funny read but then again I am a fan of Scalzi’s sense of humor. I think I liked Old Man’s War better though. This one didn’t dig in deep enough. I am sure avid fans of Star Trek will enjoy it in a way that is more layered than someone like me. I get the feeling a few things went right over my head. Definitely a fun read though, and super easy to devour. You can easily read this in a day or two. With summer coming, definitely keep this one in mind for the pool, beach, or airplane.

I just noticed I abuse the word “fun” in my book reviews. It just goes to show you, I really do think reading is fun. I never can understand people who don’t. So that’s what I’ve read so far.

Today, I started Kushiel’s Dart which was highly recommended on Google+. Also recommended on Google+, and by NicoleAndMaggie, is the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. I am dying to read these but my library is apparently not a fan. It has very few copies of the books in the series, and I’m not even sure they have the entire series. The thing is, I am so used to free books, I really don’t buy them anymore. I haven’t even finished the Parasol Protectorate Series because the only one my library carries is Soulless! And you guys, I loved that series. For now, they’re on my Wishlist.

Hmmm…. I just had a lightning bolt idea.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned here but I recently decided to part with some things K-Fat had given me while married. I had kept them to give them to Daughter when she was older but, that didn’t feel right either anymore. So I gave my grandmother the wedding ring and the Tiffany & Co. bracelet. I was going to give her the diamond studs too but she told me my grandfather picked those and the stones were excellent. Those, she said, were definitely worth holding on to. Since my grandfather is the one that got them, I relented, and have saved them in a box. When she is older, I will give them to her. My grandmother is giving the other jewelry to MutantWino’s mother-in-law who is a jeweler to sell. I can use that money to buy books!

The other things I’d held onto were two purses– a Louis Vuitton epi leather pochette and an Isabella Fiore bag. The idea of selling the Louis doesn’t bother me at all. It was a basic black wristlet, nothing special about it really. And it looks like it’ll fetch around $100 on Ebay so, more books!

The Isabella though… I went through a Covet Isabella phase for a very long time and the bag he got me, his sister picked out for me. She knew my taste so well. The bag is very me. It’s a gorgeous old school frame bag with a beautiful pattern on it similar to the one shown here. I’m annoyed it came from them given how things turned out. I can’t help it, I associate the bag with them even though it’s gorgeous and I adore it but I don’t wear it anymore. Every time I do, someone compliments it and eh. It doesn’t make me happy. So I had thought of giving it to Daughter but…  I don’t know. It won’t get me much on Ebay- maybe $40 if the searches are any indication. Maybe that one, I will give to her with the earrings and a couple of dresses I have saved from my super skinny days. Put it all in a box in her room labeled Future Daughter.

All of this talk about books reminds me NicoleAndMaggie requested pictures of bookshelves. I need to work on mine and do that. Most of my books are not on a shelf, they are stacked in a cabinet. My kids’ bookshelves are a disaster. I don’t like my bookshelves are crazy and/or empty. I just keep going back and forth on the idea of book ownership. I recently went through and tossed a bunch of books into a bag for the library. It hasn’t actually left the entry of my house, but the bag is there, holding the books. I like giving to the library because it feels like a two-way relationship. But I also do enjoy the look and feel of full bookshelves.

Where do you stand on the book ownership thing? If you have a personal library, how do you use it? Do you have issues spending money on books? Why or why not? Also, how do you handle emotional attachments to items? Especially items that mean something not good to you, but might mean something positive to someone else.

Avoiding temptation and distraction

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I saw this article on saying “no” to distractions and temptations, yesterday on Google+. I read it, thought it was cool, and moved on to the millions of things I have to get done in a day. Towards the end of the day though, the article kept creeping into my brain.

The point of the article is the evidence two (really small) studies showing the power of using the phrase “I don’t” in the place of “I can’t” to resist temptations and distractions. It reminded me of the advice to use “I could” instead of “I should” in language. And really it reminded me our words have power, especially in regards to ourselves.

That being said, here are some things I will apply the  “I don’t” approach to:

I don’t rip my cuticles.

I don’t eat out more than once a week.

I don’t let K-Fat get to me.

I don’t skip making the bed.

I don’t stress about money.

I don’t hoard money while I have credit card balances.

I don’t call myself fat.

I don’t dress shabbily.

I don’t yell at my kids.

I don’t leave dishes in the sink.

I don’t give myself a hard time about a messy house.

I don’t stay up too late.

I don’t procrastinate.

What about you? Anything you “can’t” do now that you need to make something you “don’t” do? Do you think these word games work?

It’s a wild ride

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Wild Swing Ride

Photo by me

So this post on BlogHer about being sued for photos on your blog, was written almost a year ago but I just now saw it. And now that I’ve seen it, well you’ll pretty much only see poopy photos I take on here. If I make a real effort, you might find Creative Commons or public domain stuff but don’t get your hopes up. I am, after all, really tired these days.  The blogger in the original post went back and replaced all of her photos. I might do that but I might not. I might just delete everything that’s not mine. Really the whole thing gives me a headache.

Lots of things are giving me a headache today. K-Fat is at the top. Let me just run down the sequence of events:

Thursday, March 28. I texted him to please drop the kids off with my grandmother in the morning on Monday because Daughter has an appointment in the afternoon. No response.

Yesterday (Easter Sunday) I called at 5:45 PM to wish my kids a Happy Easter. No answer. I texted at 8:22 PM that I had called earlier to speak to the kids and that I had not heard anything back from him regarding Monday morning. No answer. I called at 8:23 PM. No answer. I called his mother right after, no answer.  The kids called me back from his phone at 8:30 PM. The calls dropped repeatedly. I got to talk to my kids for a total of 6 minutes during which I asked my daughter to put him on or to ask where he would be dropping them off and what time. He told her to tell me he’d leave them with my 83 year old grandmother around 8ish. During these 6 minutes, Daughter also asked me very concerned if the Easter Bunny came to our house. He didn’t go to Daddy’s house? No. His mother had bought them stuff for Easter but no Easter Bunny drop offs. Well yes honey the Easter Bunny came here. She was very relieved and happy.

Today, I went to my grandmother’s house just before 8:30 AM to drop off the Easter baskets. I figured they’d probably already be there and if not, they’d be there soon so they’d find the baskets waiting for them. They weren’t there. I left the baskets and went to take the train to work. At the station, I called my grandmother. No sign of the kids. I called him at 8:49 AM. No answer. I texted him at 8:50 AM letting him know my grandmother was worried, she’d been waiting since 8. No answer. I called my grandmother back to let her know I couldn’t get through. She asked me for his number. I gave it to her. No answer to her either. I called him back to back at 9:08 and 9:09 AM. No answer. My mother calls me at 9:11 because my grandmother, her mother, is calling her worried about the kids. I call his mother at 9:13 AM and ask her if the kids by any chance are with her. No she explains, they’re with their father. Why? I explain he’d told us the kids would be there at 8 in the AM. My grandmother has been up since 8 AM waiting for them. He is not responding to her calls, to my calls, or to my texts. No, they’re with their father she repeats. Ok, well if you happen to get in touch with him please let him know we’re all worried. Five minutes later, 9:18 AM, I get a text from him: “We’ll be there in half an hour. There was no meeting this morning.” I replied “You need to keep us informed. She woke up early to be ready at the time you said.” No answer. His mother texted me at 9:19 AM “Did he text u?” I replied: “Right now thank you. I’ll let my grandmother know she can lay down again.” I get in the office and the time goes by. 10:23 AM I send another text, “Not there yet?” His reply at 10:26 AM “They wanted eggs. They eating now and we’re leaving”. They got to my grandmother’s at 11 in the morning.  When they got there, he did not get down from the car. My grandmother went to the car and had to ask him to lower the window. She asked him why he didn’t answer her calls. He did not answer. She told him she’d been up early waiting for him. Apparently all he did was make gestures with his head, but did not say a word to her and then left.

What a mistake he has been. It was a mistake liking him. It was a mistake trusting him. It was a mistake giving him a lot of time with the kids because I genuinely thought it’d be best for them. Just so many mistakes. I’m debating getting Eldest a cell phone. It’s come to that. So sad.

I was pretty deflated this weekend with the whole petition thing on my brain. I spent a lot of the weekend reading in bed finishing Wild Magic and Charmed Sphere. I see how Wild Magic is feminist friendly, especially after the Belgariad.  I did get busy on Saturday. I rearranged my bedroom because my aunt gave us a beautiful armoire she was getting rid of. Then, I helped my mom prepare for MutantWino’s wedding celebration. And then I got myself ready for the party. And then I went to the party. Sunday I did a lot of TV-watching, specifically Sherlock. I am in love with that show. Have you seen it yet? Wow. Each episode is an hour and a half and season 1 had three episodes, so it’s more a miniseries than a TV series. I made it all the way through Season One and watched the first episode of Season Two. It’s addictive and excellent. I don’t think I’ve actually read Sherlock Holmes…

This week, I have to get caught up on laundry. I’m really behind but the kids are on Spring Break so that helps. I’m also going to try and stay ahead of the Programming Labs. And I’m just going to keep doing deep breathing and silver lining searching. And soul searching too. My dad the other day explained to we feel different emotions because of different reasons. So for instance, we feel sadness because there’s a loss. We feel anger because a rule is broken. And it’s not bad to be angry, but it’s good to understand what rule is broken and is it really a rule worth getting bent out of shape for and to what degree. So yeah, deep breathing and lots of snuggling with Stallion and the kids. And most likely cleaning because I do like to clean when I’m angry and let’s face it, I’m pretty angry right now.

What are your plans for the week? Did you enjoy your weekend?

Order of Referral

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Since everything settled down nicely, it was only a matter of time before they got stirred up again. Last night, I got an order of referral to a hearing officer and to a general magistrate regarding a petition to modify child support– a petition I had not seen yet. I went to the court today to pick up copies of the paperwork filed. K-Fat isn’t requesting it be modified to a specific amount, but he is requesting the court reduce his monthly obligations and get rid of all the child support owed in arrears.

So, now comes the not fun part where I have to tell you guys that this is going on but I’m not going to comment on it or talk about it or whatever because it’s officially a legal proceeding and I’m not going to do anything to mess things up one way or another.

I am going to say that I’m congested to my eyeballs again.

And I am going to say that I’m still enjoying the Belgariad but found Volume One to be funner and am getting a little frustrated with Volume Two’s dilly-dallying. KILL THE GOD ALREADY, KID!

I am also going to say that I got a perfect score on my Programming project and that I feel as if things are starting to click in the cloudy recesses of my mind. I don’t feel like I have a solid grasp of things yet, but I feel like I’m getting a vague understanding of them. In other words, a lot of times I instinctively know what has to happen but can’t explain why and sometimes I can’t explain how to make it that way. So that’s interesting.

And lastly, I’m going to say thanks for your support. I know it’s always there and I really do appreciate it.

Debt Repayment- Alright let’s do it

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Snow ball

I went with what seemed like everyone was suggesting on Friday and paid off the Target card. My credit card debt is now down to $2501.34. I can hardly believe it.

My student loans are at $3,645.73. What I don’t know is how much is left on the new to me car. I have to get that from my parents. And the interest rate which, given my dad’s fantastic credit history might actually end up less than the student loans.

Without that information I am in a better place than I was in September 2010 when my credit card and student loan debt came to $11,727.56. Now, those two line items come to $6147.07, despite all the setbacks I’ve had since 2010.

My car loan was $9203.91 back then, and I do expect that to be a bit higher now, but I’m not sure it’d be significantly higher to bridge the gap. I’m pleasantly surprised at this discovery. I did not think I had progressed that much. It makes me feel good the sacrifices I have had to make over and over again have not been in vain.

So, what’s the plan moving forward? Snowball method.

I send $360 to student loans and credit cards every month. Before, $34 was the “extra” and everything else was minimum payments. Now my minimum payments add up to $231 leaving me $129 to throw at what’s left. Going along with the Snowball plan, Macy’s is next on the chopping block, then Express, then Dell, then Student Loans, then the car.

This is of course until the next wrench gets thrown at the system.

However, since I have less to pay off now than I did then, I think this also means I have a better chance of getting farther along with my payments before any wrenches come soaring into view. Plus, I’m going to keep putting money into savings.

You know, I hear so much about finding your reasons to be debt-free and how those reasons can really make or break someone’s chance of actually reaching that state of awesome. And for me, what it comes to is wanting a simpler and less stressful life. Which to me means, being more independent.

It is hard to diversify your income sources when you’re too tied up with getting by day to day. And you’re getting by day to day because your income is too low. And your income is too low because it’s not diversified. And around and around it goes. It’s a hamster wheel of stressful doom and I hate it but it’s hard to get off.

So I’m trying to cause little chinks in it. I’m trying to chip away at it and break it up enough so I can jump off.

I don’t want a lavish lifestyle. I want a comfortable lifestyle. I want to be in a place where I don’t have to think about money, and I don’t think it takes a million a year or anything spectacular to get there. I think it takes getting used to a particular lifestyle and sticking with it. I think it takes accepting limits. I think it means letting go of everyone else and being comfortable in your own skin. In other words, money has very little to do with it but there is a certain point you have to get to financially.

So, let’s see. Let’s see where I get to this year. Let’s see what I can accomplish. Let’s see what I can build. Let’s see what I can eliminate. Let’s see what wrenches are out there.

Sandy recently posted about how she kept herself going while she was in “gazelle mode” and I have to say, I really do believe in rewards. So what kind of rewards should I set up? What milestones do you think are worthy of a reward and what kind of reward do you think is a good one? Do you budget for rewards?

The Latest…

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I’m having a hard time braining together sentences and paragraphs today. So… updates.

A child support payment came in today. I don’t think it’s the IRS garnishment, I think it’s the paycheck garnishment. I hope that’s what it is, because I’m anxious to create a budget.

Monday I saw the counselor. She was super nice. She suggested I ask the kids lots of open-ended questions about their lives away from home. She thinks this will actually make them feel better about spending time away from me. Maybe by not talking to them about what they do with their dad, I’m inadvertently sending out the message that I don’t like when they’re away. Also, she thinks I’m too in the dark about basics– how they’re eating and being cared for, what their interactions are with the people they spend most of the time with, etc. She says it’s important to know those things and just because he’s their father doesn’t mean I should just accept that everything is ok.

As we were wrapping up, I missed a call from my mom and from my office. I got a text from my Office Manager telling me to call her. I told the counselor to give me a moment and called. The OM informed me I had to call my mom. When I asked if everything was alright she said no, my mom sounded really nervous. I called my mom, who was obviously panicked and starting to calm down, and she explained the kids did not show up at school that day and K-Fat had just now started responding to her. K-Fat told my mother he and his girlfriend had stomach viruses and were unable to take the kids to school.

He did not answer my calls and attempted to brush me off with a text explaining he was sleeping and that he had spoken to my mom already. Long story short, on the advice of the counselor AND the OM, I left work to go pick them up at his house. I told him he needed to communicate. This wasn’t right. There were lots of people he could have contacted. When I got into the car, I asked the kids what happened like the counselor suggested. They told me K-Fat was really sick and couldn’t take them to school. I asked about the girl and they said no she was fine. I told them K-Fat had told us both of them were sick and that’s why we were so anxious to pick them up. When I asked why she couldn’t take them to school they explained she was too busy taking care of K-Fat.

I then told the kids, like the counselor told me to, that in the future if this sort of thing happens they need to call me. They all know my number. There was a protest about how K-Fat’s mom called him too much to let them use the phone, I told them this was an emergency situation and they could get a call in. It also debunked K-Fat’s texts to me saying he couldn’t answer my phone calls because he had no reception. I asked what they had eaten for breakfast and they said Pop Tarts. What about lunch? Nothing. Or snack, Baby added. It was almost 2 in the afternoon. So yeah, drama. I’m going to see the counselor again in two weeks. She thinks the kids don’t need anything extra right now but if bad behavior is sustained, that might be different.

My midterm was yesterday. I think I did pretty badly. I tried my best, I really did. But I just don’t think it was good enough. I felt in the dark on many questions. And I took longer than an hour and he said no way should it take that long. I’m SO frustrated with the class and the professor. At least the class is free for me because if I was paying for it, I’d be PISSED. Better to just buy the textbook and teach yourself is what it seems like. I got home and decided to just start doing my own things. So I designed and wrote a Random Shakespearean Insult Generator. Spring Break is next week for us and I’m going to use the time to go hog wild with the textbook and teach myself as much as possible. I really like the textbook. It’s called Building Java Programs. Right now Amazon has it for $98 but I bought it two Mondays ago for only $37 so keep an eye on it. I think if you add it to cart they email you when the price changes. It has LOTS of exercises and the answers for all of them. The style is conversational and easy to understand. If you’re interested in learning Java programming, pick it up.

Speaking of books, I got a TON of awesome suggestions on Google+ for books for Eldest. In my browsing, I came across The Ranger’s Apprentice series and got the whole thing at the library. It’s ten books long and he is loving them. He started Book 1 Monday and finished it yesterday. He started Book 2 yesterday and was halfway through by this morning so he grabbed Book 3 to take with him to his Dad’s house. When he saw the stacks I brought home from the library, he hugged me so hard. And he keeps thanking me for bringing them because he really likes them. I love that my little boy loves books so much. I also got some of the ones people recommended like Peter and the Shadow Thieves, Inkheart, and The Boy in the Dress which my Mom took for herself to read. I am still reading Nell Gwynn: Mistress to a King but I don’t know how much reading I’ll be doing now that I feel so behind in class.

I won tickets at the Gala to see the ballet this Sunday. Daughter and I will be watching the Miami City Ballet perform Program III at the Adrienne Arsht Center. I am really looking forward to it. I’ve never been to a show like this. And they’ll be performing The Steadfast Tin Soldier which I’m dying to see. Who am I kidding, I’m dying to see all the numbers they’re doing.

My OM told me this morning she feels it in her bones that things are going to start turning around for me. I hope she’s right. I turned this quote into a little poster and pinned it at my desk.

JK_Rowling_Quote_Rock_BottomDo you have any updates??

 

 

So many questions

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Do you ever get the feeling you should be feeling something, and yet you’re feeling something completely different?

Last year for Mother’s Day my brothers spoiled me. MutantPirate gave me a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure at a little spa close to my house and MutantWino got me a gift certificate for an hour massage at a different little spa by my house.

I never used them.

I’m strange with “nice things” and am guilty of the “save it for something special” as often as I’m guilty of the “use it right now” method. I found the gift certificates again a month or so ago and realized the massage one has an expiration date of March 16, 2013. I didn’t book the appointment right then but I kept telling myself, “As soon as I have money for tip I must book this. And the mani/pedi too.”

My kids’ school is having a gala this year at Fairchild Tropical Garden. Tickets are $85 a person and out of my league. I have become friendly with a lot of the moms there and some of them are aware of the situation at home. But still, they asked if I was going. “No, I can’t.” “You have the kids that weekend?” they would sweetly ask. “No actually, I just can’t afford it,” I’d reply. Which really sucks to say out loud, especially to people who are several levels of wealth above you. It’s awkward for everyone. One of the room moms for Daughter’s class pulled me aside and told me she had a family that wanted to donate a pair of tickets for someone to go to the Gala and would I be interested? YES! And so it is that suddenly I was going to the gala.

The thing with the gala is that in my mind I kept putting it off as a thing that was happening far away and suddenly, it became a thing that was happening this weekend, today in fact. So on Wednesday the light bulb went off and I made my appointment for my mani/pedi and got my nails done yesterday.

manipedi

OPI Thrill of Brazil is the color

It. Was. Amazing! They gave me a glass of wine. And they were sweet to me. And the lady that did my nails didn’t barrage me with questions or small talk which is nice because I usually just like to sit and be quiet and enjoy the fact that I am being taken care of. I came home feeling all pretty and lovely and stuff. And then I got stressed out about what on earth to wear because I have nothing for this event and the dress I had planned on wearing, I realized is missing the belt that came with it because I lent it to a bridesmaid. My mom had the idea of calling MutantWino’s fiancee and so Stallion finished up bedtime so I could run over to their house and try on dresses.

I left with a pretty ivory lace sheath dress which I will be pairing with an awesome vintage red swing coat I’ve had in my closet for a couple years that I got for free when my friend was doing a garage sale.  And I will be wearing that with these really pretty black and grey peep toe heels my cousin gave me from her last Purging of the Shoes. And I will be carrying a really cute red clutch my BFF gave me for my birthday. Funny, I just realized my outfit will cost me zero dollars. Oh wait, I did buy the knockoff Spanx thing I’m going to wear under the dress but I bought that several months ago– does it still count?

Oh yeah, and my massage is booked for next Wednesday night after work.

So all of this awesome and I am feeling… completely exhausted, drained, and worried. Baby is going through something and I’m stuck. He wet the bed again last night and yesterday he got in trouble at school. My mom told me he was absolutely wild with her yesterday. This morning he was absolutely crazy with me too. On Monday I have an appointment with a counselor. My job gives free counseling on-campus and they also give referrals. I’m going to talk to them about the situation I am in with the kids and their father and also explore the possibility of the kids going to therapy. I have a FSA I contribute to so the money is there, and it looks like they need it. It can’t hurt.

On top of all that I’ve been dealing with this coughing, congesting, voice hoarsening thing for a week now. The NyQuil is making a mess out of my mornings. I keep passing out on the couch. I have a midterm on Tuesday. I really need to see my friends more often because I’m feeling lonely and too dependent on Stallion. I’m anxious about tonight because I’ve never been to a gala so will I be overdressed or underdressed and I don’t even know where they ended up seating me so I have no idea who will be chatting with me and big things make me anxious these days and  seriously aren’t I too old to be caring about this crap anyways?

So there you go. Trying to shift from Eeyore into Jem (she knows how to have a good time, right? SYNERGY!) is not easy. But I am trying. And hopefully I will enjoy my awesome weekend and accomplish everything I want to– enjoy the gala, crochet, hang out with the BFF, do the Google+ hangout I have planned, study, see my other friends, build Baby’s bike, ride my bike, and enjoy alone time with Stallion (yes pervs, that’s exactly what I’m hinting at).

What are YOUR plans this weekend? How can I make an extra $25 a month so every other month I can get pampered with an awesome mani/pedi? Why don’t my nails look like that when I do them myself? Have you ever put your kids in therapy? What’s it like when kids get therapy? Am I being silly and stressed for nothing? What do you do when you’re being silly and stressed for nothing? Am I asking too many questions? Do you ask this many questions? This is too many questions isn’t it?