Shitty Saturday

The Crime Scene

Mutant Disclaimer: Let me begin by saying I’m not a fan of peppering my writing with foul language. When I write the way I speak with my friends, my brain is alarmed and tries to cover my eyes. Had the events which I will describe below transpired on a Friday, this post would likely have been titled “Fecal Friday”. As it were, the events transpired on a Saturday and leaked into a Sunday and so there is no title more suited than the one you see up there.
All of this being said, I feel obligated to provide this caution: If you are unable to read tales of parents in the trenches without experiencing a level of squeamishness, 1) Do not have children and 2) Forget the rest of this entry and follow me to Google + which is so much fun.

What you see pictured above is usually nothing more than the kids’ bathroom in my home. It’s mostly an unremarkable sort of space, although you may have noticed my attempt at incorporating a modern child’s sense of whimsy into the original 1960s décor.

This weekend, however, it was the scene of several frustrating and simply disgusting events which unfolded.

MutantBaby is mostly daytime potty trained. For the uninitiated, this means he’s quite good at marching into the above bathroom, dropping his pants, lifting the lid and seat, and proceeding to (mostly) pee in the vicinity of the toilet bowl.

However, Baby has always had problems of the bowels. As an infant, these manifested themselves suddenly and dramatically. He’d be drooling and gurgling and gooing on his tummy and suddenly—a look of horror would flash across his face. He would cross his legs at his ankles and proceed to straighten and lock them in a vise-like grip. He would cry, scream, moan, and whimper and suddenly return to normal. The only evidence to be found would be a tiny spray of poop in his diaper which would inevitably go unnoticed and burn his skin.

The doctors did nothing. They’d say, “He’s constipated. Change his diet and get him regular.” Nothing worked. And sometimes it was obvious his poop was hard and uncomfortable but more often than not… it seemed Baby just didn’t like pooping.

Now that he’s older, he still struggles. The signs are different. Now, he suddenly withdraws from whatever activity he’s engaged in and hides himself somewhere. He gets a very focused look on his face and quiets down. After a few minutes, he emerges and heads to the bathroom where he proceeds to clean himself thoroughly. Most of the time, a small piece of the poop that was trying to escape is in his underwear.

He started doing it on Friday. Usually, it’s no big deal because he does it a few times and then just goes and really lets it all out. But, this didn’t happen Friday.

Saturday, the behavior continued and proceeded to occur on a much more frequent basis. I’m talking about at least once an hour, I’d catch him making a dash for the bathroom. I talked to him and told him his body was trying to get out a lot of poop and all he had to do was sit and let it out. Nope.

I think it was after about the third pair of dirty laundry and after the sixth time I had to stop what I was doing and follow him into the bathroom, I bribed him. “If you just sit and do your huge poop, we will all go to Toys R Us,” I explained to him in front of the other two kids. They celebrated. But nothing happened.

I gave him an insane amount of plum juice. I even gave him some of my Cuban coffee. I told him to just sit and do it and so I gave him books and a Nintendo DS.

Nothing.

Finally, I changed course and just let him go outside with the others to play figuring physical activity and lots of water would help.

He kept sneaking in to clean fugitive poop pieces.

It was during one of these sneaks, I caught on and visited him in the bathroom to find the toilet heaped with a pile of diaper wipes.

You see, the child had used the whole roll of toilet paper that day and realized how smart he would be if he went and helped himself to the box of wipes and cleaned his little tushy like such a big boy. I freaked of course, yelled something like, “Oh my God! No, no, no!” and bolted to the kitchen to get my gloves and a plastic bag so I could rescue the toilet from the wipe mountain.

It was when I stuck my head under the sink to retrieve said items that he flushed. “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” I screamed as I ran back to the bathroom. They were gone.

And for some reason, this actually calmed me. “Oh, they went down. Ok.”

Well, the day went on and the poop pieces and the dirty underwear and at one point he came into the house and hid himself behind an end table. A-ha! I watched him closely with my patented Mom-Is-Not-Watching Watch Method and he went walking so very carefully to the bathroom. I followed quietly so as to not alarm him. When he began cleaning himself, I walked in and picked him up and plopped him on the toilet.

I told him he just had to poop already that this was crazy doing this and his body really needed to get this out and it wasn’t going to hurt because it was still soft and he looked at me and said, “Mommy I pooped!” And I said yes but he needed his BIG poop because the little poops weren’t good at emptying out his butt and he interrupted “No Mommy I pooped a huge poop!”

Yeah right. Let me see.

I was in the bathroom the whole time. I was holding him for crying out loud. So, I have no idea how to explain there was suddenly, in less than a minute, a giant poop log in the toilet.

“YES! You did it! Did it hurt?” “Nope!” “Alright!”

The kids came tearing down the hall asking if he pooped and celebrating too and I told them to hurry up and get in the tub because we were going to clean up and go to Toys R Us.

And there was hooting and hollering and I flushed the toilet and of course it got clogged but I plunged it a bit and threw dish soap at it and it was getting there. So I went and got dressed and cleaned up some more and told them to get out of the tub so we could go. And they were so excited. They got out of the tub, and went about the insanity of getting dressed.

A few minutes later, Daughter had apparently run somewhere and was running back to her room when she slipped and fell and started crying. It always happens. They track water out of the tub all of the time. I rolled my eyes and Eldest came and reported Daughter had slipped and fallen but that there was a very giant puddle in the hallway.

And that’s when I saw it. There was water all over the hallway.

I rolled up my jeans and ran over there. Water was coming out of the bathroom. Oh. My God.

Water. Everywhere!!!

It took me a few minutes before I realized the Hello Kitty band-aid on the floor in front of the toilet was sort of moving. The water was coming from under the toilet. And why the hell was the tub taking a million years to drain?

I called my parents. I called my landlord. My Dad and I used a snake on the toilet and I was being so clever with my gloves until while I was pushing the snake up, suddenly something happened and sucked my glove down and brown water filled my glove. Oh Christ’s sake, I wanted to cry. When we’d try a flush, everything would come up the tub.

That was when I realized the water in the house was the tub draining itself. Oh, great. Waste water.

It was a nightmare. I cleaned up the bathroom as best as I could and blocked it off until the landlord’s plumber could come the next day. The kids were not happy they couldn’t go to Toys R Us after all. I took like thirteen showers and still felt absolutely disgusting.

The next day, the plumber came. He saw what was going on and would have to unclog it from the roof. Apparently, my father’s and my efforts to snake were downright stupid because of the plumbing system in the house.

So he got to work.

It wasn’t pretty.

Water came back in the house under the toilet. At one point, the tub was filled with water so brown it was almost black. When he was done, he showed me a pile of diaper wipes on my patio that were revolting to look at.

When my Mom called to see how she could help, I had a moment of genius and asked if she and my brother, MutantPirate could take the kids to Toys R Us for me. She was hesitant but I must’ve sounded borderline psychotic because she agreed.

I cleaned that bathroom all day with an assortment of things ranging from boiling water to bleach to Comet to more boiling water to floor cleaner. I scrubbed with mops, rags, and sponges. I mopped a million times.

It still gives me the heebie jeebies.

Expanding On Certain Points

So yesterday, I left you hanging didn't I? Tsk tsk, so rude!

First of all, the potty training thing. This is being stamped with a TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING. If you don't want to hear about potty stuff avert your eyes to the next paragraph. Well I was ready to give up except get this- we ran out of freaking diapers! We had one to get us through the night and that was that. Well, J decided to take on the role of SuperDad and got online and spent a lot of time last night, and today at work, looking up potty training tips and such things. He kept going back to the whole "Let em run nekkid- they'll figure it out" thing but I kept protesting. See the thing is Eldest knows exactly when he needs to go and what he needs to do. He just doesn't want to do it IN the potty. But J pointed out that as long as he has SOMETHING on, he feels he can go. So I conceded to let the boy run naked today and the fact we had no diapers really played a deciding factor in that but also, most of his underwear was dirty in the laundry machine anyways. So he was Naked Boy today as he likes to refer to himself when nekkid. My first inkling that this might work was when he started begging for underwear. HUH? Yeah. I said sorry Eldest but no underwear. They're all dirty from all those accidents! He cried a bit the first time and got over it. Also, I moved his potty chair downstairs out of his bathroom and put it right here in the "dining room" (really it's the office for now and it has a plastic table and plastic chairs we sit and eat at). It's his main play area during the day. He dragged the potty chair all over with him- like a wheelchair but with no wheels. Odd. Little. Boy. When I realized he was going the whole day with NO accidents because he was holding it in, I decided to be a sneaky mom and broke out a cup of water and a box of Wheat Thins which he loves. Well that did it. Because of the potty training the boy hasn't pooped once in days and today he finally went ahead and relieved himself IN THE POTTY CHAIR. Well we celebrated and cleaned him and sayed bye bye to the poo poo and moved on. By the way, he peed in it later on that day too. Cool huh? So we'll see how it goes but I'm going to do the nekkid thing for the next few days. And then once he's got it down I'll put him in underwear and see if he doesn't regress to the whole safe feeling thing. Cross your fingers but we're almost there I think!

Yesterday I mentioned the new issue of Domino came in. I love that magazine so very much. It's just got so many pretty things in it and yes a lot of it I can't afford but some of it I can and really a lot of it is adaptable. Just have to make it work for you! The thing about Domino I really like is that it motivates me to prettyize my house and it makes me realize most times that doesn't even mean spending a dime. I can get ideas on arranging some objects in a different way or I'll just want to clean things up a bit so they look well not chaotic. I've actually been itching but today I somehow just started getting things done around here especially the GARAGE. UGH. That garage is as bad a thorn in my side as the yard is. Actually, it's more of a thorn because it just ruins everything else! And I have to admit that something else came in that motivated me to get that garage in gear.

I won that on Ebay a week or so ago and it came in today. I actually got it because I plan on painting my "craft room" purple and I wanted a fashion edge to it decor-wise because even though I can't sew, sketch, etc. fashion really motivates and inspires me. It came in today and is even more stunning in person if that's possible. So I got in that garage determined to start clearing my space in there. Well not much got done exactly but that's not really true either. There is just SO MUCH in there that needs to get done that it's hard to measure success. But it's my project and I want to get as much work done on it now during the summer while I can rely on my mom for some babysitting and while the events are not happening before things turn psychotic in the fall and winter. I started sorting through things and unpacking things and stuff. And of course, when you're unpacking it leads to you cleaning and organizing OTHER areas of the house because you need a way to store everything, right? So I worked on my bathroom and my closet today too as side projects. The fact of the matter is that right now, Daughter sleeps a lot and I really have to take advantage of that while I can because it's not going to last. And Mario likes to help me do, anything. The hardest part is getting my ass away from the computer. I'm trying though. I'm really really trying.

So I am in the Project Spectrum Postcard swap for June and I know I'm late but my partner is aware of the circumstances over here. So I made a postcard and I hate it which annoys me because I spent a lot of time looking through magazines for the right images and cutting them out and arranging them and all of that but it just looks retarded to me. And so I'm stumped now. Why can't I think of anything!?!?! I feel so lame. And I'll be honest, I keep seeing some examples of postcards people are sending and receiving and well shit I just can't do that kind of masterpiece! So it's a little discouraging in that sense. And just because I'm a human being and not a crafty goddess I'm going to show you my yuckiness despite my being completely mortified.

MOVING ON.

For Father's Day J got the gift of satellite tv which was much needed because where we moved to the cable company is way behind the times and very disorganized and showed no signs of possible improvement. They were just awful. AWFUL. So we got Dish Network and he loves it. The thing is I LOVE IT TOO. Mostly because of two channels- Ultra HD and DIY. Ultra HD is a fashion and design channel and I won't bore you with much gushing over it. But DIY is AWESOME. I love that channel. I have heard many wonderful things about that channel and years ago, in our first apartment, we had it but I was not much of a crafter then. I was too busy being a slutty Jezebel carrying my child conceived out of wedlock and living in sin you see. Of course, when we moved I got more into crafting and heard the wonders of the DIY network (AND the guffaws about some of its shows and hosts I won't lie). Recently though I'd heard some murmurings about a knitting show that was actually interesting and so I looked through the guide and found Knitty Gritty and recorded it. I love it. I just don't get to SEE other people knitting so I get a total geek satisfaction out of watching it. The best part? Eldest LOVES it too. He was going nuts today with the show about spinning. So anyways, I'm geeked. It's a fun show and it's motivating although I'm not sure how many of those projects I'd actually MAKE (a monitor and mouse cozy? no thanks) it still gets me inspired to knit which I'd like very much to go right on doing except my yarn needles still haven't come up and I hate not finishing something so close to finishing. That purse pattern my swap partner sent me though is REALLY calling to me. And I really want to do something PURPLE for project spectrum. It's my favorite color!! So we'll see. In the meantime I'll post the only project I've managed to complete recently and that is the baby hat from Knitting for Babies. Actually, I finished this the night we came home from the hospital without Daughter. I was really distraught that night and in a weird completely hormonal way this made me feel connected to her. Weird I know. Thank the hormones. It's huge on her right now but maybe by the time Winter rolls around it'll be a nice fit and that'll be fun because we REALLY want to go to New England this Winter.

I think I've caught up on everything I wanted to. Today was the first day since Daughter was born that I was able to read ALL of my crafty blogs. I was so stinking excited about that. I didn't get to read ALL of my blogs besides the crafty ones too but we have to take things in strides and the crafty ones outweigh the other blogs by about oh three times? By the way, bedtime around here is a NICE thing. Eldest's been in bed a couple hours and Daughter fell asleep again after eating. Sleeping babies are tons better than, well, this:

Sneaking in a post

There's a three week old baby on my lap. She's crying. I don't know why. She's fed. She's clean. I've changed her position a few times and she just slows down to a whine. Swaddled? Check. Oh look a momentary respite comes courtesy of placing her on her tummy on my lap all swaddled up. Wonder how long that will last… better get this entry typed up fast!

Happy fourth. We're not big on celebrating here but we did make our way outside to watch whatever fireworks we could see from the yard. Eldest liked it.

Speaking of Eldest. We started potty training yesterday and that has been an unequivocal disaster (did I do that right? unequivocal? I'm so fried these days). He holds his pee in until he can't take it anymore and hides and pees on the floor. He will happily sit on his potty and do- nothing. We tried the bribery thing and we get the "But I alread have toys" response. Thanks kid. Thanks a lot. And candy to get him to sit on the potty is useless because sitting on it isn't the problem. J did some reading and I'm going to try my best to stick it out but I'm really not wanting to.

The crying has begun again. I'll make a note of two things I want to write about when I get a moment of non-crying. Actually three. No wait, four.

1) New issue of Domino came in- LOVE IT.

2) I hate the postcard I made for Project Spectrum June. No really. Hate it.

3) Knitty Gritty on DIY. YAY.

4) Project Spectrum's July color is Purple hence the new look here. Also, super excited about making the purse my secret pal sent me because she sent PURPLE yarns. perfect! Also, on a related note but not really- the body of the seal is done knitting wise. However, the evil knitting gnome has stolen ALL OF MY YARN NEEDLES and so it remains a lifeless flat piece of knitting.

Crying has progressed to screaming. Must run.