Tag Archives: Co-Parenting

It’s a wild ride

Posted on by
Wild Swing Ride

Photo by me

So this post on BlogHer about being sued for photos on your blog, was written almost a year ago but I just now saw it. And now that I’ve seen it, well you’ll pretty much only see poopy photos I take on here. If I make a real effort, you might find Creative Commons or public domain stuff but don’t get your hopes up. I am, after all, really tired these days.  The blogger in the original post went back and replaced all of her photos. I might do that but I might not. I might just delete everything that’s not mine. Really the whole thing gives me a headache.

Lots of things are giving me a headache today. K-Fat is at the top. Let me just run down the sequence of events:

Thursday, March 28. I texted him to please drop the kids off with my grandmother in the morning on Monday because Daughter has an appointment in the afternoon. No response.

Yesterday (Easter Sunday) I called at 5:45 PM to wish my kids a Happy Easter. No answer. I texted at 8:22 PM that I had called earlier to speak to the kids and that I had not heard anything back from him regarding Monday morning. No answer. I called at 8:23 PM. No answer. I called his mother right after, no answer.  The kids called me back from his phone at 8:30 PM. The calls dropped repeatedly. I got to talk to my kids for a total of 6 minutes during which I asked my daughter to put him on or to ask where he would be dropping them off and what time. He told her to tell me he’d leave them with my 83 year old grandmother around 8ish. During these 6 minutes, Daughter also asked me very concerned if the Easter Bunny came to our house. He didn’t go to Daddy’s house? No. His mother had bought them stuff for Easter but no Easter Bunny drop offs. Well yes honey the Easter Bunny came here. She was very relieved and happy.

Today, I went to my grandmother’s house just before 8:30 AM to drop off the Easter baskets. I figured they’d probably already be there and if not, they’d be there soon so they’d find the baskets waiting for them. They weren’t there. I left the baskets and went to take the train to work. At the station, I called my grandmother. No sign of the kids. I called him at 8:49 AM. No answer. I texted him at 8:50 AM letting him know my grandmother was worried, she’d been waiting since 8. No answer. I called my grandmother back to let her know I couldn’t get through. She asked me for his number. I gave it to her. No answer to her either. I called him back to back at 9:08 and 9:09 AM. No answer. My mother calls me at 9:11 because my grandmother, her mother, is calling her worried about the kids. I call his mother at 9:13 AM and ask her if the kids by any chance are with her. No she explains, they’re with their father. Why? I explain he’d told us the kids would be there at 8 in the AM. My grandmother has been up since 8 AM waiting for them. He is not responding to her calls, to my calls, or to my texts. No, they’re with their father she repeats. Ok, well if you happen to get in touch with him please let him know we’re all worried. Five minutes later, 9:18 AM, I get a text from him: “We’ll be there in half an hour. There was no meeting this morning.” I replied “You need to keep us informed. She woke up early to be ready at the time you said.” No answer. His mother texted me at 9:19 AM “Did he text u?” I replied: “Right now thank you. I’ll let my grandmother know she can lay down again.” I get in the office and the time goes by. 10:23 AM I send another text, “Not there yet?” His reply at 10:26 AM “They wanted eggs. They eating now and we’re leaving”. They got to my grandmother’s at 11 in the morning.  When they got there, he did not get down from the car. My grandmother went to the car and had to ask him to lower the window. She asked him why he didn’t answer her calls. He did not answer. She told him she’d been up early waiting for him. Apparently all he did was make gestures with his head, but did not say a word to her and then left.

What a mistake he has been. It was a mistake liking him. It was a mistake trusting him. It was a mistake giving him a lot of time with the kids because I genuinely thought it’d be best for them. Just so many mistakes. I’m debating getting Eldest a cell phone. It’s come to that. So sad.

I was pretty deflated this weekend with the whole petition thing on my brain. I spent a lot of the weekend reading in bed finishing Wild Magic and Charmed Sphere. I see how Wild Magic is feminist friendly, especially after the Belgariad.  I did get busy on Saturday. I rearranged my bedroom because my aunt gave us a beautiful armoire she was getting rid of. Then, I helped my mom prepare for MutantWino’s wedding celebration. And then I got myself ready for the party. And then I went to the party. Sunday I did a lot of TV-watching, specifically Sherlock. I am in love with that show. Have you seen it yet? Wow. Each episode is an hour and a half and season 1 had three episodes, so it’s more a miniseries than a TV series. I made it all the way through Season One and watched the first episode of Season Two. It’s addictive and excellent. I don’t think I’ve actually read Sherlock Holmes…

This week, I have to get caught up on laundry. I’m really behind but the kids are on Spring Break so that helps. I’m also going to try and stay ahead of the Programming Labs. And I’m just going to keep doing deep breathing and silver lining searching. And soul searching too. My dad the other day explained to we feel different emotions because of different reasons. So for instance, we feel sadness because there’s a loss. We feel anger because a rule is broken. And it’s not bad to be angry, but it’s good to understand what rule is broken and is it really a rule worth getting bent out of shape for and to what degree. So yeah, deep breathing and lots of snuggling with Stallion and the kids. And most likely cleaning because I do like to clean when I’m angry and let’s face it, I’m pretty angry right now.

What are your plans for the week? Did you enjoy your weekend?

A Moment Over Coffee

Posted on by

I was in the kitchen rounding up the breakfast supplies. Eldest walked in, opened the dishwasher and grabbed a cup.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re dirty.”

“No, the sign said ‘Clean’.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes”

“OK then.”

He pulled out the cup, closed the door, and glanced at the sign. He pulled the door open again. I smiled as he put the cup back.

“Never doubt your mother in the morning when she’s drinking a giant cup of coffee,” I teased him.

“Coffee is so yummy.”

“Yes it is. Do you want a sip?”

“Yes please.”

He came to my side and carefully took the giant mug in his hands. He was so big, easily standing over the stove. I wondered if he was pretending to ignore how hot it was against his hands or if he found the warmth comforting. He would die if his friends saw him drinking out of a giant pink mug with Sleeping Beauty on it.

“I know why Daddy wants you to pack a pair of jeans for me.”

“Oh yeah? Why?” I thought maybe his dad had planned something special for them and had told them.

“Because he doesn’t have any.”

“Oh. He could buy you a pair.”

“I know.”

I smiled at him. He smiled back.

“Did you pack them?”

“Yes.”

“And Baby’s sandals?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you. Go brush your teeth.”

He walked away sipping his cup of water and I spent the rest of the day wondering if I had slipped and said something I shouldn’t have.

The Struggle of Doubt

Posted on by

I’ve been thinking about what on earth to write today. I continue to be in a strange mood, grappling with hormones as well as basic self-esteem issues. Typical garbage, you know.

ETA: I should warn you, I hadn’t intended it to be this way, but this post ends up a bit raw so if you’re not up for that kind of thing right now, you might want to go read something funny instead.

This weekend was very unusual. It was the kids’ weekend with their father but Eldest’s dojo had a field trip to a water park so I asked Ex if he could stay with me so I could take him and he said sure. So he had the two little ones and I had the big one.

It is seriously, a completely different world when it’s one adult and one child aged 7 to 8. I spoiled Eldest rotten this weekend. It was just me and him. Neither of us could remember the last time the stars had aligned to allow for that sort of thing.

See? There are major perks to divorce, too. Let’s not write the whole thing off as a disaster, ok?

And yet…

Daughter has a best friend whose birthday party was Sunday. As soon as I received the E-vite, I checked with her father, told him it was a spa type of party and he insisted to RSVP yes. Either a female family member would take her or he’d go. After all, he knew Daughter adored this girl and she adored her right back. He told me knew how important it would be to her to attend.

She didn’t go.

I felt devastated. I felt really bad for Daughter missing this. It was a huge deal, at a little girls’ spa, and she was really looking forward to it. Not to mention she is yet to grasp things like time and dates so it was hard for her to really understand when it was—and that she’d missed it.

I was so angry. But there was more than a simple missed party that had me so wound up.

The way I saw it was this: this is such a small, simple thing your daughter would have absolutely loved. I mean, she would have had a smile from ear to ear and would’ve been thrilled you’d taken her. But you didn’t do something so simple for her.

Why?

For the cherry on top, I found out Baby and Daughter were taken to a birthday party the day before for some child I don’t know—either a friend of the family or the girlfriend. So, a stranger’s party was a yes because he’d have lots of help but his daughter’s best friend was a no because he’d have to endure it by himself?

I thought more about what the heck I was feeling and realized something else. I still desperately seek signs that, to me, demonstrate Ex is a loving father and that perhaps I wasn’t a complete and total freaking idiot being with him, bringing his children into the world, etc.

He fails to prove me right again and again. As a matter of fact, when I vented this idea to my mother she said, “No, no, no. You were ‘a total freaking idiot’. The only good thing you did as far as he’s concerned was have those amazing kids.”

Thanks, Mom?

Friday night, Ex didn’t have the kids call me as they usually do when with him. Friday night, he was at a strip club. Don’t ask me how I know, just accept the fact I do and there is indisputable evidence.

What Ex continues to prove right is my decision to leave him. And he makes me worry.

One of the things I was determined to do was take advantage of the fact Ex cares about how people view him and so I wrote up a parenting plan that involved frequent visits with the children—every Wednesday afternoon through Thursday morning and every other Friday afternoon to Monday morning.

I knew there’d be no way in hell he’d turn that down because it’d be enough time to show people what an “awesome” dad he was but it was also more than enough time to live the single life he coveted so deeply.

Now, I worry if maybe the kids have too much time with him.

If this is the kind of guy that can’t be bothered to take his daughter to her best friend’s birthday party, who always manages to have a pack of people around him watching his children for him, who can’t go a week without overdrafting his bank account– is this really the best thing for the kids?

Do I have a choice?

We so want to protect our children from hurt and pain and heartbreak. But, we can’t.

Then again, maybe, I’m over-thinking things. Maybe, Ex is good enough a father to the kids that they are satisfied with him. Perhaps, whatever things he is missing are fulfilled with contact through my family and friends.

It is, after all, with my brother MutantWino that Eldest has an amazingly close relationship. And it is with my Friend that is a Boy the kids get insanely rowdy and physical with. My father provides them with a social worker’s ear backed by major grandfatherly love, concern, and affection.

When I took the court-mandated divorce class, it stressed children never need to know the complete and whole truth about a divorce.

This annoys the hell out of my mother. It makes sense to me but I know it’s going to be a potentially bitter pill to swallow.

I know because of women like Co-Worker. She was with a man who enjoyed spending nights out, drinking, womanizing, etc. He had affairs and she eventually left him. The man never takes their children even on the days he’s been scheduled to do so. He hardly sees them, hasn’t paid child support ever, and yet…

When he does drop in to see them, they are ecstatic, overjoyed, and worship him. They will tell you what a great dad he is and how he’s totally awesome. They’re teenagers. Co-Worker has done an excellent job of keeping her lips sealed and as a result the girls have only seen their father in the most wonderful, golden light.

They never saw through the bullcrap. They never questioned things. They swallowed the honey whole.

The standards for him are low and easy to fill. They are satisfied. The standards for her are much higher and more difficult to fill. They are satisfied but prone to anger, jealousy, and frustration she must deal with.

My mother is convinced Daughter will “avenge” me so to speak. MutantMom just knows Daughter will not be fooled nor is she so mild to simply swallow the lies whole. She will question. She will call him out. She will know. She will reduce her father to dust.

I’m not so assured. I don’t really want that either. Why? What good does it do me to have a Daughter who is angry with her father- unsatisfied and empty?

The class also shared a bit of information I wasn’t aware of: A child takes an ill word about their parent as badly as if the ill word were about them.

That’s why when they protest the prospect of going home with him, I fight the bile in my throat and assure my children their father loves them so very much and wants them to be happy and enjoy their time with him.

I assure my children their father has their best interests at heart.

And maybe he does, but if he does, it’s obviously expressed in ways that I just can’t wrap my head around.

It’s precisely the problem I had with him directly. I never felt completely and truly loved by that man. I never felt my feelings, desires, wishes were every truly considered and weighed. If he loved me, he wasn’t showing it in ways I could pick up on.

Maybe my children can pick up on it, though, and I’m worrying about a pain that doesn’t exist, a potential for hurt that is unlikely to happen.  As strange as that would be, it would be the best thing, no?

I hate that I doubt myself so much. I hate that I second-guess everything I do with respect to the children. I hate that I seek assurances from other people– including their father. After all, isn’t that what was behind my real anger and frustration? Disappointment with myself as I was faced with more evidence that holy crap did I choose a bad man to father my children.

Forget trusting others, I don’t trust myself.

I remember when I was struggling with my decision to divorce or not, I was so conflicted.

In the end, it wasn’t the belief I was doing the absolute best thing for my family. It wasn’t the belief I was doing the absolute best thing for myself. It was simply this: I would never, ever, want Daughter to live the life I was living and if it wasn’t good enough for her– it wasn’t good enough for me.

I had to remove myself from the picture to see clearly.

Once I did that, I was able to understand more deeply, embrace my decision completely, and move on. But it didn’t come from inside me right away. I had to pull it from somewhere else.

Sometimes, that bothers me. Sometimes, that encourages me.

I wish there was an endless, internal supply of strength, confidence, and self-assuredeness to draw upon. I wish I had all of the fuel I needed to keep myself going forward clearly, determinedly, passionately.

I’m not sure if that sort of thing is possible. I want it to be, not just for me but for my children also and for everyone I know that’s gone to the well for another boost and found it dry.

I want it so that there aren’t days where I’m looking in the mirror and I know, on some level, that I look quite pretty today but I can’t accept it because no one’s really said anything to me. And by the time someone does, it rings empty and false in my ears because I’ve convinved myself that no, I look quite ordinary today and that’s all and that’s good enough, I guess.

I want it so when my children tell me of the latest thing their father did or didn’t do, I can laugh at how silly and off this planet he is and yet I can know in the deepest core of me that it doesn’t really matter because my children are just fine, better than fine, because they’ve got me looking out for them.

I want it so I can sleep well at night, even if I’m all alone.

I want it so I don’t feel I have something to prove all of the time.

I want it so I can be calm inside and steady on the outside– reliable, steadfast.

I want it so when I hear the line on a really cheesy song that says, “God looks after children and fools and you’re not, so who’s going to look after you?” I can answer, “Me” without missing a beat.

Bad Baby Mama, Good Baby Mama

Posted on by

I’ve had my ridiculous “baby mama drama” moments. I’m not proud. They were more frequent in the first several months of the separation but I think I’ve been a much more controlled and cooperative person the past five months or so. I have a lot of single co-workers and one of my best friends is a single dad. I’ve seen and heard a lot of stories regarding the experience of single parenting. This is a note to me that there are certain things I can do and not do to make single parenting as easy mentally and emotionally as possible.

Do Not

Speak negatively about the other parent to your children or where they can hear you. Speaking in a second language isn’t a ticket to freedom either—children understand more than they let on. More importantly though, body language, tone, and emotion betray more than you can imagine. Keep the trash talking to moments alone with loved ones or pour it all into a private blog or paper journal (yes, those reportedly still exist).

Sweat the small things. Ok so you’ve wanted to take your kids to see Despicable Me since you first saw the trailer months ago but opening weekend was his weekend, and he took them. Maybe you mentioned how much you’d wanted to take them, maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, it’s just a movie. Focus on the larger picture—quality parenting– and let the small things slide off your back.

Be a control freak. When your kids are not with you, they are simply not with you. This is somewhat terrifying on different levels for different people. But, this person is your children’s father. You trusted him enough to sleep with him and now you must trust him with your children. You cannot control the quality of his parenting, decision-making, etc. so let it go. As long as your children are not in danger when they are with him, there is nothing you can do so don’t work yourself up about it. A poor parent is a poor parent regardless of whether or not they’re in a relationship with you. It is something every person must work through, your children included. I know you want to protect them but it is simply life.

Compare yourself to their significant other. Do not compare your significant other to your ex. You split because you were incompatible and that is it. It is not because you are a lesser person than their new sweetheart or because you deserve better than your ex—you deserve different, so do they. Relationships are that simple and complicated at the same time. Leave the past where it belongs.

Adopt “An eye for an eye” with the other parent. The only thing this does is create a cycle and it’s usually not a positive one. It guarantees more pain for you and double the pain for your children—they get to see the effects on you and him while you only deal with yours. Let go of the vengeance, the injustice of it all. It’s just poison for your spirit and fills your home with nastiness.

Make assumptions. You’re going to get all kinds of very interesting bits and pieces of information from your children. Depending on their age, the accuracy of the information will vary tremendously. Also, if the moniker “To assume makes an ass of you and me” isn’t enough to get it through your head, just remember Shirley Miller Sherrod and the USDA. You do not want to be the USDA.  Let the little things slip through, if something highly alarming comes through the child wire, do not confront the other parent. Call them, calmly tell them exactly what your child said, and ask if they know what on earth they’re talking about because you’re completely baffled. You need two way conversation with the other parent and you’re not going to get it if every time something comes up you assume the worst and launch into angry accusations before they even finish saying “Hello”.

Do

Focus on the quality of your parenting when your children are with you. This is especially important, and difficult, when the children are young and one parent is flashier than the other. You may feel unable, and pressured, to keep up with the other parent’s level of spending, but that’s not important. Your children will grow older and they will see, understand, and appreciate different things at different stages of their lives. Be the best parent you know how to be when they are with you and that stays with them forever.  Remember you are irreplaceable in your children’s eyes. The other parent may have interesting, fun, and exciting friends, significant others, and relatives, but you are their mother. That does not, will not, change.

Accept that single parenting is challenging, exhausting, stressful, and frustrating but entirely possible. Remember that staying in a poor relationship with the other parent is 100 times worse than going at this on your own. You will likely doubt that at your worst, darkest moments, and that’s ok because you will also be (quickly) reminded that it is indeed true. There is no undoing the past and fretting what the future brings is an exercise in futility.

Experiment with your parenting style. Many times in a relationship people assume specific roles because it is what is handed to them. When you’re single, you are free to maintain that role or abandon it. Most of the times, tweaking it is the best solution. I was a lot more strict with my children when ExMutant and I were together. Now, I am more laid back with my children when I feel it is appropriate—an option I didn’t have when parenting was a team effort. I also choose activities that I enjoy doing but weren’t a priority for my ex. I feel this is an opportunity to show my children who their mother really is and that there are options in life– their father’s way is not the only way.Treat the other parent as you would have them treat you—even if they don’t return the favor. Someone eventually will. And for those things you can only rely on the other parent for, like information regarding your children, payments, etc. insist on finding a way that works even if it’s not exactly what you want. You may like chatting on the phone to find out about the kids but every time you do, you hear the girlfriend in the back and want to vomit or he is insanely rude and you get all worked up. Ditch the phone calls and text or email. While written conversations can often cause problems because there is nothing attached to it, I have found that to be exactly the reason it is my preferred communication method with my ex.

Think about what values you want to instill in your children, what lessons you want them to learn, what habits you want them to develop. Then do everything possible to show them you practice what you preach. Kids don’t learn by listening to your lectures and then modifying their behavior—they learn by mimicking you and others. Since you can’t control the actions of others, make sure yours are as impeccable as you can make them. Do your best and forget the rest. It applies to single motherhood too.

Pay attention to what your heart and soul need you to do when your children aren’t with you. Forget the To-Do list, errands, and chores if you want to. Listen to yourself and react. Clean the kitchen to shiny goodness, lay on the couch and cry to really sad movies over a bowl of popcorn, make stuff, run, go to other people’s houses, get a manicure, rearrange the furniture for the seventh time, whatever, whatever, whatever. Stop the guilt in its tracks when it starts and remember you are caring for yourself because your children need, and want, a healthy you. Take advantage of the silence to listen to yourself and what you want—then do it. Unless it’s drunk dialing/texting. That doesn’t go well. Actually, most drunk-related things don’t go well in the early stages of separation/divorce. There’s just a lot of stuff going on alcohol likes to take advantage of. The only thing I advocate doing drunk when you’re still grieving is sleeping. That works like a charm.