Tag Archives: Child

Single Parent Stories: Bubblegum On My Shoe

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Cari Wegner writes the blog Bubblegum On My Shoe where she chronicles her adventures as a single mother of two children, one of which is diagnosed with Autism. Her blog is her escape from the stress and pressures of every day life and is filled with funny, sweet, and random anecdotes. This is the first time she discusses her single parent story.

Before I throw all my dirty laundry in your direction, I have to thank the Supermodel herself for letting me air it all on her blog.  This post is probably the most vulnerable article I have written about my personal journey through divorce and single parenting.  I use my blog as an escape from the crazy life I call “my reality”, so I haven’t even revealed my entire story to my own readers.  Lucky kids you, let’s begin.

When they say love is blind, I fully understand the meaning and am here to share my full testimony to such.  So to say I didn’t see it coming isn’t a cop-out, it is truth.  In hindsight the warning signs were all there, but life in suburbia with picket fences shields you from a case of the, “that’ll never happen to me(s)”.  I was a stay-at-home Mom with a workaholic husband.  A husband I had been married to for 9 years and built a business with and had two young children, 4 and 2.  Things weren’t all roses, show me a marriage that is, but it wasn’t bad.  There was definitely a disconnect between us, but I thought that was because my husband worked a crazy amount of hours; hours that he reminded me were for us and our family.

Our lives had just been turned upside down when my 2 year old son was diagnosed with Autism.  My perfect vision of what life would be, the dreams I had for my child were slowly crumbling before me.  I felt helpless to help my son, uneducated about his disorder and relieved.  Yes, relieved, because now I had answers, and could move forward and do what was best for my son.  And so I did, and still do. (And he is amazing!)

Two short months later, the abyss deepened and widened.  My husband was in a terrible car accident which left him in a coma for 2 days and almost claimed his life.  Only by what I can say is a miracle did he leave the hospital 2 weeks later with only a broken leg and some fractures.  The 2 days he was in a coma were the most terrible of my life.  Without him to cover up the lies, I discovered his accident was a suicide attempt.  He had been driven to such by the guilt of his 5 year prescription drug addiction and gambling addiction which had left us and his business bankrupt.  Within two weeks I lost almost every material possession I owned, house, cars, jewelry, even my diamond wedding ring.

Eventually my Ex was forced to treatment, he never fully committed himself to treatment and was kicked out of various programs and now lives in another state with no custody of the children.  I was left to figure out what parts of our ten years together were truths and which were lies.  I found myself dependent on other people not because I wanted to be, because I needed to be.  I went to therapy to help me as I redefined myself and my life.

Divorce is like death in a way.  You grieve the death of a love that once was, dreams that once were, and guilt for things left unsaid and done.  But you can either become a prisoner to the lost or a warrior of a new life, a new beginning.

I’m not going to sugar coat this, single parenting sucks.  Hard.  It will mentally exhaust you, it’s lonely and it may drive you to drink.  Here is some of my advice:

  1. Shut down the guilt:  Your divorce might be for the best, it doesn’t mean you still aren’t going to self-blame and feel like a loser for many days.  LET IT GO!  What is done is done, reliving the anguish, picking scenarios apart and wondering if you did the right thing for the children will be your eternal hell on Earth otherwise.  I can’t say I have a 5 step plan to letting it go, just breathe in and out every day to start, once you have that down, you can move on to bigger things like showering and before you know you won’t be crying yourself to sleep.  You can do this.
  2. You are a great Parent because you try:  So divorce and single incomes bring financial strain, not to mention less time to spend with your kids, especially if you are in a joint custody situation.  But when your children are grown, they won’t remember that they didn’t have the coolest new trendy so-and-so, but that you took time out of your life to just listen to them.  No matter how busy we get, show them that they are the most important thing in your life by talking to them, playing with them, for 5 minutes or 50 minutes.
  3. Put the brakes on getting back out there:  Before the divorce papers are even signed everyone you know will try to set you up with the “other” single friend they have.  Don’t feel like you have to jump back into the dating game right away.  Come to terms with being alone for a little while.  Learn to feel good in your own skin again.  Know that you are enough even without someone else.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “I don’t know how you do it”, I could offset the back child support I’m owed.  But we do it because what other choice is there?  We do it because we are capable, beautiful, and love our children.  My divorce brought great pain and great upheaval in my life.  But it was a chance at a new beginning, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.  In times of great pain, there is amazing grace.

One in 88 children is diagnosed with Autism, if you have concerns or need more information please click here or visit my blog for more information.

If you enjoyed this story as much as I did, I hope you’ll read past contributions to this series. I also hope you will be bold and contribute your voice to this series. Please contact me to share your single parent story. Single parents can, and do, create loving and healthy environments to raise wonderful, happy, and loved children in. Single parent households are also created in a myriad of ways. Here are the past contributions to this series:

Single Parent Stories: Tech Savvy Butterfly

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Stephanie Van Pelt is a single mom I met through Google+ (Seriously why aren’t you there yet? Connect with me!) who writes the blog Tech Savvy Butterfly. There she writes about technology, parenting, and how technology affects families for better or for worse. She also discusses these things on Google+ so if you’re new to the platform and interested in these topics, circling her is a must. This is her single parent story.

My journey to single parenthood was so exciting I decided to do it twice. I’m twice divorced with 2 sons, one from each marriage. The journey itself is full of bad decisions – my own and those of my exes. Low self esteem coming off of marriage #1 resulted in an even more disastrous second marriage. Let’s just say that no one was truly innocent in either of these matrimonies other than the children and move on.

This results in two very different single parent scenarios. My older son spends one week with me and then one week with his father. While we still bicker from time to time, we managed to keep our relationship cordial and later even friendly. I’m actually pretty happy about the fact that we’ve demonstrated to our son that even though we couldn’t live together as a couple, we have still been able to work together to raise our son.

My younger son hasn’t seen his father in more than three and a half years. At first this made me very, very angry. Now I’m grateful and to be honest, this is my preference. In his current state, ex #2 is not fit to be around children. He may never be. This leaves me as my second son’s sole parent, both more challenging and simpler in the same moment.

Who am I now? What is single parenting like for me today? It’s frustrating when my first ex doesn’t meet my expectations. But then again, that’s hard enough for married couples. While divorcing I think that’s the hardest thing to understand. Co-parenting is difficult in even the very best of relationships. We always have differences of opinions and those early angry days certainly compounded those differences. I have to remind myself that he also loves our son and is just doing things the best way he knows how….as am I.

By contrast, I don’t have to consult anyone when making decisions about my younger son. I also don’t have anyone else to help with the responsibility of raising him. That fact alone can be very wearying. Knowing that there’s no one else to tap out to – no one to call and say “Your son did XYZ!” I fear my younger son will not have appropriate role models or take on the absences of his father as his fault.

Through it all I’ve learned so much about myself, what I’m capable of achieving and I’ve grown into a better person. The key things I’ve learned:

  • Develop a strong support system. It’s pretty much impossible to parent well completely solo. Develop a team of people to help you and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Meaningful relationships with your family, your ex’s family, other single parents and other whole families matter. When you have a sick child, there’s someone to lend a hand. When you have a win, there’s someone to celebrate it with. You don’t need a spouse/partner but you do need that village. And it provides you with a little welcome relief and sanity.
  • You will be amazed at how strong you really are. I had no idea I was such a strong woman until I became a single mom. At the end of the day, the responsibility of my boys rests solely on my shoulders. You know what? I got through it – I even managed to do it a bit gracefully. You’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish when push comes to shove and it’s your children at stake.
  • I have three main responsibilities in life and only time to do two of them well. Family, work and home. The house can wait. I’d rather read bed-time stories to my kids. Work gives me something of my own, outside of my identity as Mom and provides me with the income to support my boys. The boys are the light of my life. I can have a clean house when they’re not there anymore. We have too much fun being messy right now.

If you enjoyed this story as much as I did, I hope you’ll read past contributions to this series. Single parents can, and do, create loving and healthy environments to raise wonderful, happy, and loved children in. Here’s more proof:

Baby, you’re three

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Saturday was your big day—you finally turned “free”. I know you think you’re really super big but for me, Baby it’ll always be.

What can I say? You’re the last one for me and every family needs their own forever Baby and that’s you with all of the good and all of the bad that can bring.

You’re pretty impressive though, I have to admit. I actually kept telling people you were turning four because of how much and how beautifully you speak. That same day you used the word “underneath” in a sentence and used it properly. My jaw dropped a moment.

But then you do something like poop on the floor and I remember—totally not four. By the way, I’m tired of scrubbing poop out of Yo Gabba Gabba underwear so if you wouldn’t mind getting that whole thing under control, I’d appreciate it.

That’s the biggest quirk. Oh and the talking back. Oh my goodness that just sprang out with a vengeance didn’t it? It’s like you turned three and the aggressive gene turned on.

And yet, you’re this big giant sweetheart who demands loads of hugs and kisses repeated endlessly. You greet everyone with a giant leg-wrapping, face-in-the-knees hug.

You cry when someone leaves or if someone left before you got to say goodbye.

Lately you’ve been sneaking into your brother’s bed to sleep.

The other morning when I made breakfast, I was eating my bacon and eggs and you wanted some bacon. So I gave you my slice and you devoured it. You came back for more and went to grab the remaining slice on my plate but suddenly you put it back.

“You don’t want anymore bacon?” I asked.

“No Mommy, that’s your slice. I already ate one,” you replied. My friend and I stared at you. I tried to tell you it was totally ok but the only thing you allowed was sharing the last slice of bacon with me—half and half.

That sort of thing, it doesn’t sound like a huge deal until I realize you’ve just turned three and aren’t you the center of the universe still? How did you do that?

You’re seriously independent and like doing everything on your own and freak out when you can’t. Getting stuck in your t-shirt can cause a serious scream.

You eat pretty well and are still pretty adventurous with what you’ll try but adamant about what you won’t.

These are the last two months at the daycare you’ve been in since you were a tiny infant. They’re going to miss you. I’m going to miss them. I have no idea what you’ll do but I know you’re really excited to join your siblings at the big school.

Except for the whole potty problem. But we already talked about that. It’s not like it drives me crazy to the point of obsession or anything.

No, actually it does because you totally know when you have to go and you totally know how to go but you just don’t want to go on the potty and so your waste ends up on the floor.

But whatever, I’m over it.

Kind of.

You’re big time into sports. MutantPirate got you a basketball hoop for your birthday and you made him open that thing right then and there and you’ve been playing with it non-stop ever since. It’s a pretty great hoop. You’ve got a pretty wicked shot.

You love football too. And baseball. You like to wear basketball shorts and went gaga over the Jordans my friend got you. I don’t even think you know what those are but the sneaker force is strong with you little one.

I am afraid.

You like it when I sing to you. The two songs you request from me most often are “Take me out to the ball game” and “Once upon a dream”. You also like to sing with me and when that happens, we do all of the typical nursery tunes.

Oh my goodness you love your sister. Sometimes you try and beat her up and she freaks out but mostly you adore her. You like to spend time with her in her room. You like to play with her and have no issue playing with her dolls or kitchen or whatever. And don’t even try and pretend otherwise, I know you let her comb your hair when no one’s watching. You just love to be around her, I can totally see it. I know you guys are two years apart but seriously, you act like twins.

And then there’s your big brother you clearly idolize. I mean you think this guy is so cool and you want to be like him which is good because your big brother is seriously an awesome kid and I’ve got no problem with you emulating him. He loves you and cares for you.

I’ve been thinking about your great-grandfather these past few days because he was way head over heels in love with you. I don’t know what it was but there was some sort of spark between you two and you hardly knew him. But that short time you did know him you made him immensely happy. I will always appreciate that. He’s totally your guardian angel. Keep him busy but not too much, ok?

I love you Baby. Here’s to another huge year in your life and many more to come. I can’t wait to see what happens next and yet I just want to hold you like this forever. My baby. My last wee one. The one with the curls. The one with the gentle baby fat. The one with overwhelming affection. The one with the beautiful kissy lips. The one with the not-really-brown-not-really-green eyes. You’re so yummy. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Parent vs. Mother

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Discipline
“Discipline” by baladeva_d on Flickr

A couple of weeks ago, I read this apparently ancient article and like most well-written things it parked into my brain and has been idling at times more loudly than others.

It turns out, I hate parenting. There’s a difference between being a parent and being a mother. As a matter of fact, it’s not that there’s a difference, it’s that they have very little, if anything at all, in common.

  • Parenting is figuring out how to keep your children nourished at healthy levels and facing the various obstacles to such a feat. From battling childhood obesity to figuring out how to get one serving of veggies a month into your child much less five a day, the daily (hourly) food battles are parenting at work.
  • Parenting is dealing with the child’s educational life. This includes mining book bags and folders, looking over homework assignments, helping a child prep for exams, drilling facts, reading together, establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with teachers, managing all forms sent home for parental review, participating in school activities, not allowing for an abundance of absences and/or tardiness, etc.
  • Parenting is managing the health care of a child– setting appointments for check-ups, tending to illnesses immediately, alleviating pain and discomforts, administering medication and care as directed, and monitoring a child for symptoms.
  • Parenting is assuming the role of judge and jury in all potentially hostile  inter-personal relations in your presence (think child and sibling or child and playmate) attempting to maintain an environment that is impartial and fair as possible. It is also making the active decision to remain a silent observer in the hopes of fostering an opportunity for negotiations and peace-making independent of your involvement.
  • Parenting is creating and maintaining a healthy, safe, and comfortable physical environment. It is implementing a maintenance schedule and routine that involves all parties’ participation to maintain the levels of organization and cleanliness to a suitable standard.
  • Parenting is the education of a child in acceptable or even desirable societal behaviors, mannerisms, language, etc. It is teaching a child to cope with negative situations, manage emotions healthily, and build confidence in a real, results-oriented way.

It has lately struck me sharply how much parenting is so similar to running a business. You are building a business from nothing. Most likely, returns will be zilch or at the very best, minimal in comparison to the investment. The hours are long. The environment is often highly stressful with little downtime. Burnout is high with little reprieve. The opportunity to delegate is often rare and can itself lead to a contentious situation. In some situations, delegating is simply not an option. Not to mention, the product’s performance is entirely a reflection of your abilities—whether you feel such judgment is deserved or not.

Like any method of management, the above list is general. Each manager must pick and choose among these things, prioritizing according to their own agenda, eliminating and adding as seen fit. It is here you see styles emerge—Tiger and others. Not only in which topics to advance, but also to what extent each area is enforced. As the list suggests, it also becomes apparent that parenting is not limited to the biological mother and father of a child. Many adults can, and do, assume parental responsibilities in the life of a child—with positive and detrimental effect. At times, biological parents choose not to parent.

It’s hard not to understand why. After all, where parenting is extremely exhausting and exacting work, mothering is not.

Mothering is nurturing and affection. Mothering is kissing boo-boos all better and playing silly games with no educational purpose. Mothering is hugs and kisses without prompting or expectation of a desired result. Mothering is favorite colors and foods, chocolate chip cookies, singing lullabies four times in a row, and reading “Don’t Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late” in the most dramatic over-the-top way because they giggle in the most contagious way. Mothering is putting aside the Very Important Thing you’re doing because your two year old is walking around the house in a weird funny way singing this little chant that goes something like “Dance, I’m a robot. Dance, Dance, Dance. I’m a robot” and he’s doing so in his best stiffest motions and with his best digital voice and it’s absolutely hilarious and uncannily creative and you’re just unable to comprehend how this amazing little creature came up with such a thing! Mothering is doing things not because they’re the right thing to do or because they’re going to help your child in one way or another, but because they make your heart swell so much you can hardly breathe. And it’s not swelling with pride, it’s swelling with this overwhelming surge of unrelenting love you can’t even explain it.

Of course, the two things may be very different, but they don’t work at cross purposes. And loving mothers, single or otherwise, understand more often than not, parenting is necessary. So, as much as I love being a mom, I hate being a parent. At the same time, because I do love my kids so much, I also understand it’s in their best interest for me to be a parent and to assume as many of the parental responsibilities as I can and to do so in as graceful a style as possible—whatever that may be.  

For what it’s worth, I think this is where Amy Chua went wrong. The excerpt from her book that flew around the world was focused too much on parenting and not enough on mothering. I’m not saying that’s how she was and I’m not saying the rest of the book was like that as well, but the excerpt was. The excerpt was 100% unadulterated parenting and in an aggressive management style. People went ballistic because The Wall Street Journal was heralding this excerpt as the reason Chinese mothers are superior and yet there wasn’t a shred of mothering in the piece!

So, mental note to self: When the parenting becomes really overwhelming and is threatening to push me to the brink, stop and do some mothering to get back to center. Kids need, and want, both. More importantly though, so do I!