Tag Archives: 52 Photos

Lazy Weekend Ahead

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Mmmmmm it’s Friday. A long weekend-eve Friday. The day is so much nicer for that reason alone, isn’t it? Try and get under my skin. Ok wait, don’t try too hard.

Know what else makes this Friday wonderful? A giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders and is now ready to grace the shoulders of my Mommy! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have finished The Shawl. Oh, sweet relief!! I actually finished it just this morning so I need to go home and weave in the various loose ends and then block it to its perfect beauty but the hard part is over and done with.This means, yes I do in fact have a FO Friday and it’s an awesome one.

It took me just under a month to finish this tiny thing but it’s oh so cute! Seriously, I just wasn’t thrilled about this project until I started binding off (the second time because I screwed up the first). I saw the girly little ruffle slowly emerging and I got seriously geeked. It’s just so cute and dainty and perfect for our insanely hot and humid weather.

Ok I know there’s dangly bits and it’s not blocked but you can see the cuteness right? I’m thinking of buying a beautiful pin for it too. I was thinking a wooden one would be gorgeous.

My older kids spent the night at my mom’s house last night as they have a four day weekend (lucky duckies). This morning was just me and Baby. What a difference. It keeps blowing my mind whenever I find myself with just one kid how freaking easy it is. Hell, this morning was so easy I even had time for a photo shoot.

Dear Daughter

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Dear Daughter,

Last Friday, I got to see you all dolled up in your tutu for your too brief ballet performance at the school talent show. You looked so beautiful, comfortable, and confident. After your part in the show, we watched the rest of the talent show and you stood on my lap and danced as a middle school band played Coldplay.

The rest of the weekend unfolded the way most of them do—playing and fighting with your brothers, watching movies, protesting orders to eat, clean, bathe, and sleep. You saw your grandparents for a couple of hours and enjoyed the pool while I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned the house some more.

And then last night, when you hung up after talking to Daddy and his girlfriend, you started asking me all kinds of questions that I wasn’t ready for. I answered them as best as I could and I wonder if I answered them well.

You asked me how I “got Daddy” and I figured out you were asking how we met and I told you that we met in school and you understood that.

You asked me was it hard to get married? And I said yes it was. And you asked how we got you and your brothers. I told you we had you while we were together.

You asked how your grandmother got Daddy and I explained she was his Mommy and she had him as a baby like I had you and you asked if she found him or what?

And I laughed and explained no she carried him in her belly like I carried you and you thought that was hilarious—your eyes shot up huge and round and you giggled like mad. I asked wasn’t it funny thinking of Daddy as a baby? You asked what Daddy looked like as a baby and I told you I didn’t really know, that you should ask your grandmother to show you pictures.

You told me you wanted me and Daddy to live together and wanted to know why we didn’t and I explained Mommy and Daddy couldn’t be happy together.

You asked me how I could get mad at you and your brothers but still love you and I explained to you that you were my kids and I loved you no matter what you did. And I had to explain to you how the love between a parent and a child is very different from the love of two grown-ups.

But I swore to you that I loved you very much and that I always would and I kissed you and hugged you good night and went to tuck in your brothers.

I don’t think you liked my answers because later, I found Missy (the doll I crocheted you) flung in the hallway outside of your bedroom. I tossed her back into your bed thinking you were playing a game and later found her outside again. You never go to bed without Missy. You never go many places without Missy.

This morning, I mentioned I’d found Missy outside in the hallway and asked if you were mad at her. You said yes but wouldn’t tell me why. Then, you told me you weren’t mad at her anymore and when I asked what you were taking to show and tell, you answered Missy and didn’t put her down the rest of the morning.

You are an extremely smart little girl and I can tell you’re working through the whole concept of Daddy and me not being together. I can tell you get frustrated because you want to understand it fully so you can be ok with it but you can’t because a lot of it just doesn’t make sense to you.

I know you like Daddy’s girlfriend and I know you like my friend, but it’s just not the same.

You don’t understand how your Mommy and Daddy aren’t together because all the Mommies and Daddies you see and know are together.

You don’t understand when people are married, they can break up because Princesses never dump their Princes.

You don’t understand love in a gray way and I think you’re scared that if Mommy and Daddy left each other, maybe we’d leave you.

I’m not going to leave you.

I adore you so much. I admire you too, you know.

You’re smart as hell and completely confident. You know what you can do and what you can’t and yet manage to not let that stop you. You know what feels right and what doesn’t. You have no problem asking questions and no problem showing your emotions. I get the feeling you don’t beat yourself up too much.

Sometimes, you scare me. Like last night when I assured you I’d always love you no matter what you do, part of me was thinking “please don’t test that too much.”

Later, when I saw Missy in the hallway, I felt like I’d totally let you down. I hate that feeling, but I know there’s more to come as you get older.

And yet I hope there’s more room for understanding too.

Dear Daughter, you blow me away. You motivate me. You fill me with pride. You give me the drive to do better, to do more and more than I possibly thought I could do before.

There’s a lot of crap in this world especially where us girls are concerned. In many ways, your brothers have it loads easier than you do.

But, you’ve got a secret weapon—me.

I believe in glass ceilings as little as I believe the homemaker way of life is a woman’s natural inclination. I don’t believe we’re the weaker sex. I don’t even believe math comes easier to boys!

I think we’re very savvy creatures and quite complex too. I also think we’re incredibly strong despite the fact we’re not much for in your face antics.

I’ve screwed up over and over again in this lifetime, mostly because I refused to accept other people’s truths as my own. This is a good thing as much as it is a bad thing.

For you, I only wish you do what you need to do and know you can come to me no matter what trail you blaze. Have no fear, Daughter. I’ll always love you, always fight for you, always listen to you.

It doesn’t matter to me if you become a mega lawyer, a savvy scientist, a brilliant businesswoman, or tender and loving housewife. What does matter to me is that you’re pleased and happy and proud and content with what you do and if you need help feeling that, know we all do and I’ll help you the way my mom tries to help me.

I know your little heart is hurt because Daddy and I aren’t together and everything around you says we should be. I know I can’t say or do anything to help it make sense to you right now (or maybe, ever) and that frustrates the heck out of you.

But I also know you’re bigger than that. Something like that isn’t going to be what defines you, what breaks you, what holds you down.

I just wish you knew that too.

I love you, I love you, I love you—a million times more, I love you.

Many Different Thoughts & 18/52: Wet

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It’s been raining pretty aggressively here all night and all day. I think it’s beautiful when it’s so gray, misty, and muted outside. I’d rather be in bed but then again, I don’t have a window with this view in bed so you win some you lose some.

Did you notice the figurines? My daughter was here with me last Thursday and apparently she thought the little guys would much rather look out the window and enjoy that view than stare at my back all day. Smart girl.

Do you know what this is?

Pardon my French but there’s just no other way to describe that. She’s standing still in this shot because it’s the only way I could get any sort of clear shot. The rest of time I saw her she was out there pounding away at the pavement.

She’s not even tuned into a music player and I know there was not a single break in the rain this morning so this girl laced up and went out there in the pouring rain because she can and because she wanted to and because I needed to see something awesome like that this morning.

Don’t get me wrong, part of me wanted to hate her with her perfect body and blonde hair and youthful carefree life that allows for running in the rain but that was such a tiny part and it stood no chance against just how awesome I think she is really.

You know how the phrase, “You go, girl” got way overdone? Well this is the kind of situation that no other phrase more adequately describes. Girl power, indeed.

I’m trying a couple of things this month. I’m not necessarily challenging myself because I feel sort of beat up and need a break but my brain doesn’t do well when it has nothing to toy with.

I’m talking to my kids in Spanish all month. I didn’t make an announcement to them, I just stopped talking in English on Monday. I’m trying to make it exclusively in Spanish but it is really hard to do and sometimes completely ineffective.

Eldest has turned into a surprisingly accurate translator for Daughter who’s decided she doesn’t understand a lick of Spanish and believes the best approach to my current language of choice is a completely blank dumbfounded stare more suited to a thirteen year old who’s just heard you admit you have no clue who this Justin Bieber person is they keep going on about.

It seems Baby understands as much Spanish as English so that’s working ok. I figured I won’t press them to speak back to me in Spanish. What I’m hoping is that I can keep this going and that at the very least they absorb Spanish vocabulary, pronunciation, etc.

The next step would be that they sometimes respond to my Spanish with their own Spanish as an experiment (Do I have this right?) and then after that they respond to my Spanish with Spanish naturally.

Besides, I need to keep practicing my Spanish. My job requires a pretty high level of fluency and I don’t feel as comfortable as I’d like with my conversational Spanish.

Financially, I’m trying something else too. I’m sort of toying with a weekly budget but this is already turning into a challenge and I don’t know that I have the mental energy to stick to it.

I thought I had it pretty figured out this week until my son came home last night and informed me he needs a mouth guard and cup for his Karate tournament Saturday. The same tournament that had a $50 registration fee I just paid because it was budgeted for.

So, I’m not really sure it’s worth it to me to make the switch from what I had going and really the problem with the budget system I have in place isn’t my budget skills it’s the unpredictable income stream.

This month with the tax refund, it should be a bit more stable. Besides, that court-ordered income deduction will go into effect this month. It will, I know it. I believe in the system.

Oh, I had my annual check-up with my doctor yesterday. She’s changed my birth control to a more inexpensive option. I’m happy to be paying $45 less a month but not thrilled I’ll be back on daily pills. She’s urging me to explore the possibility of an IUD. She thinks I’m an excellent candidate for it if the insurance covers it at a reasonable rate.

Other than that, the doctor thinks everything’s good. She says, even though I disagree, my weight is perfectly fine where it is. She does want me to drink more water and milk. She let me know women store calcium until the age of 35 so I’ve got a few years left and she wants me to make the most of them. She’s asked me to aim for about 1500mg of calcium a day.

I took a deep breath with the craft projects I’m working on and decided to stop stressing the stupid deadline and just enjoy working on them. I haven’t picked up the knitting one since I started the crochet one, but I’ll be getting back to it soon enough.

Tomorrow I’ll have to take a break to go and do a merchandising job. I signed up with a company to do merchandising and mystery shops. I like it because the jobs are quick and relatively easy. They get me out of the house and out of my routines. I try and do them when I don’t have the kids but this one was way too good to pass up and gives me the opportunity to earn up to $30 every two weeks to the end of June. They cut my first check for last month for $40 and they’re still pending a couple of assignments.

It might sound really small and meaningless to you but it’s $40 I didn’t have before. The more work I take on for them, the more often they call me for assignments with bonuses on them and such things. If I averaged $40 a month from them, that’s almost $500 at the end of the year which would be a nice thing to throw at debt, don’t you think?

Oh, there’s one more financial change I’m making this month but this one has to wait until the very end to happen. On payday, I’m going to open one more account with ING. This will be my Wants fund and 5% of any money I’ve managed to save up will go into that account. The rest will be used as a debt snowball as I am confident the child support issue will at least stabilize this month, one way or another.

Ideally, the court-ordered income deduction goes into effect but at the very least, he’ll pay what he paid last month. Although it’s not the full amount, it’s more than I’ve gotten for many months now and it helps cover the essentials.

I figure if I reward myself with 5% of my savings, it could motivate me to keep expenses low and put off the little things for something larger. Plus it gives me an outlet to enjoy the money. I can use that Wants fund for anything from haircuts to a family trip to books to new clothes to a really nice birthday dinner. Last month, it would’ve only been $4.55 but I’ve had some months with great success, especially when I was receiving child support and not having the burden of kiddie expenses on me and me alone. It would’ve been nice to have a piece of my hard work for something “indulgent”. And budgeting, saving money, and tracking expenses is hard work.

By the way, here’s some cute Budgeting humor from last Sunday’s paper. I love the comics section and always want to share at least one piece with everyone I know.

One more thing I’m doing this month is taking on household projects in very small bites. I’m telling you, I feel sort of bowled over with a bit of depression and you can tell when you walk into my house. This is always a problem for me because the worse it gets, the less happy I get and the less happy I get, the less I want to do anything which leads to a further decay of things. So last night I told myself I’d clear the dining table and nothing else but the dining table. It took me a while and I had to sit every now and then or take a drink break or something but I did it. And I made sure everything I cleared was put away, not just moved to another place.

This approach works very well for me when I’m in this state. It gives me small rewards and small challenges. It forces my focus on one thing and stops my mind from going everywhere else. Plus the actual task of sorting, trashing, filing, etc keeps my mind preoccupied and that means it doesn’t sit there and talk trash at me.

If you’re having problems like this, I strongly suggest you try this approach. For more benefit, choose a pretty small thing in an area you see a lot through the course of your day. Say, the end table in the living room or a particular chair or one side counter or something like that. I think this is why FlyLady loves the kitchen sink so much.

My problem is the kitchen sink gets disgusting fast and that’s really hard for me to overcome so I have to work my way over to it before I’m ready. Not sure I’m ready but my kitchen is starting to smell yucky and that turns my smile upside down.

When my Mother’s Day presents are all done, do you know what I’m going to do?

This.

And not necessarily in that order.

What a Weekend: 13, 14, 15, 16, 17/52 Photos

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It was the kind of weekend that grabs you and yanks you right through it at breakneck speed and you’d just better hang on and enjoy the ride and you do except when it’s over you’re suddenly beyond exhausted and at the same time overwhelmed with contentment.

My house is wrecked. It is wrecked in the special way homes are wrecked when a mother is just too tired and gloomy all week to do much of anything and the kids seem to pick up on this so they are extra active, destructive, and defiant but then Friday comes and suddenly the mother decides to do a lot of baking and cooking and then there’s activities all weekend and Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights find everyone not just tired but at that special point of fulfilled collapse.

Friday, I was let out of work early. I stopped and did groceries, went home, and finished reading devouring Bloodfever. I don’t really understand why I’m fascinated with this series because it is some seriously over the top camp but it’s addictive camp (she’s totally in love with a werewolf, isn’t she? NO! DON’T TELL ME!). Then I decided it was time to get in the kitchen and make these Whoopie Pies I’ve been fantasizing about for days. They advise making the cakes a day in advance so I figured if I made them Friday night, Saturday would be the day to make the filling and all would be well in the world. So I made the cakes, but I also was craving something sweet now so I made these cupcakes with this chocolate buttercream frosting (with the almond extract option) while I made dinner—kingclip filets in foil packets served with a side of cheesy garlicky mashed potatoes. At some point during the cooking and the baking, my parents brought the kids over as they’d taken them to the beach that day since the daycare and school were closed. To give you a sense of time, we sat down to eat dinner after nine o’clock. After dinner, I iced the now cooled cupcakes and my kids got to work decorating them with Easter M&M’s. They each ate one and everyone was really tired. Actually, I should note that Baby passed out on the sofa after baths before we got to the cupcakes. We all collapsed in our beds at around 11.

My Dad called me at 8:30, realized I was asleep, and quickly hung up. We all woke up for real about an hour later to the sound of music. I realized the park across the street was doing their annual egg hunt after all. I rounded everyone up, got them all dressed, armed them with shopping bags, and we headed over. We hunted for eggs and my friend found one of the six golden eggs so the kids were really excited about that. After the eggs were gone, they were starting to whine about wanting to eat and wanting to drink and wanting to sit so I took them back home and got them breakfasted. After, I cleaned the kitchen and got to work making the Whoopie Pie filling. The kids tried playing outside again but the heat was scorching. Oh, we dyed eggs. That was an adventure. And I made them bathe. I’m pretty sure they mostly ran around being destructive from the state of the play room. Well, Eldest read Fantastic Mr. Fox but the other two destroyed.

At some point, they ate the Whoopie Pies which were a huge giant mess. Recipe evaluation: Cake recipe is meh. I think I need to try it again and make them flatter. Taste was right but they were too moundy and not very discy. This meant there was a LOT of cake in each bite. The filling was a disaster. It was just melting all over the place. I tried to compensate for the melt factor by putting in not as much filling but that just backfired because of how dense the cakes were. I’d give it 2 out of 4 stars/forks/spoons/mutants. I do want to try it again though. I feel obligated to get Whoopie Pies right although I have no idea why I have this strong urge at all. Cupcakes = Win. Whoopies = Meh.

Later that day, we went to a baseball game. My university sponsored this big Family Night event at the stadium and each employee got a free ticket with hot dog, chips, and soda plus you could buy three more tickets with food at $1 each and a discounted parking pass for only $8. I bought them last month and was so excited even though we got Upper Level seats. In the second inning, a lady approached me and asked if I was with the university (we WERE decked out in school colors) and she had us come with her. They upgraded us big time- Lower level, third row. We could have had a conversation with the first baseman. I’ve never had seats that great to any sporting event. I was actually nervous because we were totally in the line of fire for those line drive fouls they sometimes nail. I was shocked the kids actually sat there the entire time and had a blast. The weather was gorgeous. They had a bunch of activities for the kids like free face-painting and bounce houses and even a salsa concert afterwards. It was a total blast.

 

We got home just before midnight and they went to bed totally amped up. I had to wait for them to sleep. And wait. I quietly filled eggs and then when all had been silent for a while, I checked on them. Asleep. Finally. I brought out the baskets and hid them and then laid out a trail of eggs from each basket to each of their beds—blue eggs for Eldest, pink eggs for Daughter, and yellow eggs for Baby. Baby’s was easily hid, right under a table. For Daughter, it was under a laundry basket but I made her crawl through a tunnel to get to it. For Eldest, it took him at least five minutes to figure out the trail ended at the laundry closet because his basket was in the dryer. I also gave the kids the crocheted toys I made them and they were REALLY happy with those.

Later, their Uncle MuantWino and his lady friend picked them up for a big Easter hunt and party with the lady friend’s family. It seems they are “serious”. They actually live together and they keep trying to mix the families at these sorts of events. It’s weird to me. From there, they went straight to my mom’s house with the kids while I stayed home and after I’d filled eggs for THAT egg hunt, and showered, and dressed, and stared mightily at the destroyed house for very long periods of time, I went to her house too. Daughter had brought the doll I made her and so between the cupcakes and the crochet everyone was trying to come up with some sort of business I could go into. I just drank a superbly delicious rosé (it’s good to have Winos in the family). Everyone had fun playing Marco Polo in the pool (I watched) and hunting for eggs and eating yummy arroz con pollo and desserts like the cupcakes which I brought from the house in a most dangerous and reckless fashion as demonstrated below.

Do NOT Try This at Home

After everyone left, the kids were happily watching TV and I passed out cold on my mom’s couch. I mean, coma-like. I’m pretty sure I was snoring on some level and likely drooled. My mom woke me up to let me know they were going to get their evening coffee and my brother was watching them so I could stay sleeping. But I was awake at that point. Got up, picked up all of the stuff the kids had gotten as presents and stashed it in the car, and got the kiddos into the tub much to their collective chagrin. My mom let me know the oldest two could stay with her since they still don’t have school so it was me and Baby back home. After he passed out, I half-heartedly picked up some of the living room before giving up and joining him in LaLa land.  

I’m happy to have had such a great and crazy weekend. When I have weekends like this, I feel like all is right with the universe. We made so many good memories—specific and general ones. Maybe they’ll remember decorating cupcakes, or dyeing eggs, or eating Whoopie Pies half-naked, or going to a baseball game, or looking for their baskets, or hunting for eggs three times in one day, or that their Mom made them dolls, and maybe they won’t. Maybe all they’ll remember is they sure had a good time when they were kids. And that’s all I care about. I was sorting through all the eggs and the gifts last night and remarked to my friend, “They don’t know how lucky they are.” “Nope,” he said. “They really don’t. But one day, most likely through someone else’s experiences, they’ll probably realize it.” And that made me smile because that’s how it is for me. I have close friends that had some rough childhoods. When we’d sit and talk about what it was like being a kid, I remember feeling confused and guilty because my friends mostly had bad experiences and yet what I mostly remembered from my childhood was that exuberant feeling of innocent joy. I really do remember my childhood that way. If it was a color, it’d be yellow—bright and happy and sunny. Now that I’m older I don’t really feel any sort of confusion or guilt anymore when we compare stories of growing up, but I sure do feel a whole lot of gratitude and an overwhelming desire to pay it forward starting with my kids and hopefully one day finding a way to stretch it outwards from there.

12/52: Treats of Rice Krispies

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The end of the week usually brings a finished project for me to brag about but I’ve been lazy with the hook and yarn and so there isn’t one to show you. Really the one thing I did finish this week was reading Soulless. I wrote a quick little review on Goodreads I’ll just plop onto here for you book nerds.

I absolutely loved this. I can think of so many awesome women who would absolutely love this book. If you’re the type that actually read Twilight but found yourself wanting to absolutely THROTTLE Bella, this is the antidote. The writing style is CRISP and brisk and biting and sarcastic and just really fun. It’s a smart little book with sass. Lots of fun adventure and craziness. Excellent heroine, wish there were more of her stripe in younger fiction.

It’s another day where I’m feeling mentally rambly. I’m feeling a bit out of focus today wondering if I’m missing something. You know, I do love things and it’s quite difficult to try and figure out some sort of balance with spending while you’re hacking away at debt because really it just doesn’t feel appropriate to spend on any want while debt exists. It just bothers me on some weird level, but I also would like some things. In particular, my brain is set on outdoors. I want planters and I want a hammock. I want more rose bushes and fruit trees. I want wind chimes and hummingbird and butterfly plants. I want a dining table and chairs with an umbrella. Oh, wants. You bastards.

And that’s not even the half of it. I have to say Soulless got me thinking about pretty things like jewelry. I miss having jewelry.

Oh and going through all those photos reminds me how much artwork and blown up photos I have without frames.

I don’t like a lot of things but I guess I want more of the things I do like if that makes any sense. Just one more year of throwing everything at debt. Then another year of throwing almost everything at the emergency savings fund. My rational brain tells me that’s not that far away at all, but the rest of me is whining.

Ok so I made Rice Krispies Treats last night with the littlest ones. It went very well and we got crazy and mixed in Cocoa Krispies too for some black and white action. They came out SO yummy. I honestly don’t know how people can eat those pre-packaged ones. The real deal is so much yummier. They were also very easy to make and gave my arm a serious stirring workout. I’m definitely going to be serving up a batch at my Freedom is Sweet Dessert Party next weekend. Any other suggestions on what to make? I so wish I had heart-shaped molds because it’d be fun to make break-apart heart rice krispies. I’m also making brownies of course (with or without icing?). And chocolate chip cookies. Maybe I should make those pillow cookies again but this time from scratch. I’d love to make some molten lava cakes. Oh and French Toast Sticks. What’s your favorite dessert? No white chocolate suggestions please.

11/52: Gelato

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I apologize in advance. I am beyond exhausted. Last night, Ex brought me the kids instead of taking them to work this morning because he didn’t want to be stressed on his first day at the new job. When he brings them he informs me Baby is teething. His back molars are coming in, he had a small temperature Saturday, he’s complaining his teeth hurt, and you can feel it right below the gum. Baby and I did not sleep last night. I decided to come in late to work a bit so we could get a couple hours of restful sleep but it really is not enough. I’m dead.

I made these cookies last night and used way too much butter apparently. The recipe calls for 2/3 cups butter which I don’t know how to measure out in Tablespoons and I have no internet at home to tell me it’s 11 Tablespoons. I used 13. They’re freaking delicious but yes I do see that I overdid the butter. Oh well. Now I know. I also know that if you let a two year old decide how many chocolate chips to put into a chocolate chip cookie batter, it’s a win-win situation. He loves pouring chocolate chips and you love eating chocolate by the pound.

That’s all I can muster up in my brain right now. So I’ll throw photos at you. These were from not this Saturday, but the Saturday before. We went bike riding with my parents and then went to a Gelato place down the street that I really, really, really like– my Dad’s treat.

P.S. It looks like I’m destined to blow the budget this month. All three kids needed new shoes and I’ve been driving around trying to take care of errands. I have $1.35 left and less than a quarter tank of gas. *sigh* I’m also out of certain things that are going to have to be replenished sooner or later. I have been stocking up on some stuff as there have been some good deals worth taking advantage of but still. I’m frustrated and a bit disappointed in myself. I won’t lie, I’ve indulged more this month in dining out than I wanted to. I am finding the months I go out to eat or buy lunch tend to be months I blow my budgets. Eating food I didn’t make myself is my major budget buster and one I have a hard time resisting when I get started with. God I just wish this income order was in effect already. And that he had never fallen so behind to begin with.

10/52: A storm hits

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Yesterday, a furious storm swept through here. It came on so fast, it felt from one minute to the next, it suddenly darkened in my office. I took the following pictures just a few minutes apart mostly, and then a bit of a longer lapse to show the difference.

It was 12:13 when I noticed it was suddenly dark out and got the idea to document the storm’s progress.

12:16 PM. Just three minutes later and to say conditions deteriorated rapidly would be an understatement.

12:20 PM amd it’s absolutely disgusting outside.

12:30 PM. A close-up of the raindrops that make the previous look picture look spectacularly smudgy. Then, I got back to work and let it keep dumping yuck everywhere.

1:19 PM and it’s not so dark in my office anymore.

9/52: Let him eat cake

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No seats? No problem. This captures all of my favorite things of a two year old. Not a care in the world. The softness in his face, arms, hands, fingers, legs. The beautifully-shaped lips, perfect eyelashes, gorgeous curls. And the independence. The “I can do it. All by myself.” I know it’s a bit blurry and not as sharp and vivid as it could be. But it’s him, in his perfect completely two year old glory.

8/52: FO Friday + Babbling

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I don’t know if I can channel how emphatically I’m thinking this but just know it’s really, really heartfelt when I say, “Thank the sweet eight pounds six ounce baby Jesus it is Friday.” I don’t know even know why really but I feel like I’ve been put through the wringer this week and I’m just done. It was so hard to pull myself from bed and get into the office today, not because I don’t like my job because I do—a lot actually, but because I’m just worn the heck out. MutantDaughter spent the entire day sleeping yesterday. And when I say that, I’m completely serious. I think she was awake maybe 2, 3 hours max all day yesterday. She got a fever in the afternoon and her left ear started leaking this brownish clearish pinkish stuff that dries into a sticky crusty disaster. This with the complete and total sleepiness which is not anything like her at all freaked me out a bit and I called the doctor. I had a prescription for some ear drops from the previous battle with this same exact ear and same exact situation and they told me fill it, start it, and have her come in tomorrow. I’d already anticipated a need for the doctor earlier that day and begged Ex to please schedule and take her and he agreed (Shock! Awe!) so I went and spent over an hour in Walgreen’s. This is not good for the pocket book and I admit I did some stress-related shopping on top of the only item needed—Q-tips. I spent $13.90 so I’ve got $10 to go on my Spending Challenge and that should work fine for some milk and eggs. Doctor says it looks like a middle ear infection and the ear drum opened up and is spewing everything out. Delicious. Just have to keep doing what I’m doing and it’ll clear up soon.

I’m really hesitant to start guesstimating because it feels like I’m taunting fate, but it looks like I might have managed to accumulate about a $700 rollover. I’ll have a concrete number on Monday when I get paid and the new month begins and will announce it with much pomp and circumstance. I’m trying to figure out a budget for next month’s non-bill expenses and my first attempt was almost twice what I’d spent this month so that got scrapped. By the way, every month I do this and every month I think I’m budgeting conservatively and then add it up and oops! Just goes to show you, we really underestimate financial numbers. After reworking it a couple of times, I’m down to about what I’d initially planned as a budget for February– $650. I’d like to try this number out and see how it does. This month has been ok overall and has made me feel a bit better about maybe making $650 a regular number. It is, after all, a 30% increase and I was able to manage ok with the $500. It does make shopping a much more carefully executed sort of thing in that I have to do thinks like consider all kinds of things that could possibly come up in a month that would require some sort of cash. But, I guess that’s the point. It’s supposed to be like that instead of some mindless activity. This is conscious spending, Mutant. It’s not more work than impulsive spending, it’s different work. But, that’s the Expenses side of my life.

On the Income side, Ex is moving into his parents’ home this weekend so he doesn’t have to pay rent which may bode well for me. I’m trying to see if maybe he’ll give me a guess as to how much and when he’ll pay me so I can then underestimate it by about 20% and plan for that. Maybe I seem cynical or whatnot but this is the kind of guy who got out of his lease by lying about getting a job in New York. The reality is on March 1, he’ll owe me well over $3,000 and yeah, if I’m ever going to get my life on solid ground, I need that money and for him to pay me consistently. He did tell me the salary at the new job is at least twice what he’s got now plus commission so he should be steadier in that sense, especially when the garnishment goes into effect, but he doesn’t have a start date yet and I don’t have a court date. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it just flickers or grows really dim threatening to disappear completely.

I’m working on The Passage. It’s Creepy (capital C intended). And it’s got lots of yucky bits which I find fun and hard to read at the same time. At first, the book was sort of driving me crazy because I swear to you he throws like one hundred characters at you in under fifty pages. Characters are always hard for me to manage in my brain, I have no idea why. I considered writing notes but figured I’d probably just lose the paper anyways and besides it’ll settle to just a few eventually and it has so that’s nice except that it’s all done quite tragically and horribly so that’s not nice but hey, it’s fiction and fun at that. The library has Red Pyramid ready for Eldest and an organizing book, a crochet book, and The Lonely Polygamist ready for me. Not to mention nice crispy brand new copies of Outlander and Soulless and PostSecret are waiting for me in my bookshelves. Oh yes, books and books and books galore.

My kitchen remains clean, my dining table remains clear. I almost screwed it all up last night being so exhausted from the day but I ripped myself a new one about how I’ve done this too many times to know better and that I know exactly what’ll happen if I let things slide just one night. It’s never just one night, don’t kid yourself. And that was that. I got to work and cleared everything away in about twenty minutes before collapsing exhausted in my bed. Tonight shall be Frozen Box Pizza Night so I won’t have to worry about dirtying the kitchen at least. I’ll likely stop at the library for some kiddo movies. Tomorrow there’s the birthday party. It should be a nice weekend. I’m going to finish sorting out the rest of what’s going back into the hall closet though I’m pretty sure I’ve cleared away almost everything that’s getting cleared.

By the way, I was thinking about creating a concrete Chores Plan for the kids. The two this would apply to are the 7 and 4 year old. What I was thinking of was basic chores that they are required to do because they’re part of the team and we all have responsibilities. But, I thought it might be a good idea to add a couple of things they could do to earn money. They both get a small allowance ($4 for Eldest, $1 for Daughter) and I was thinking this might allow them to supplement their earnings. The tasks would be small and the reward would be a quarter each I’m thinking. Ideas on age-appropriate things they can do? Right now, they’re responsible for making their beds in the morning, cleaning their plates and place mats after dinner, hanging their towels, putting away their folded laundry, and putting their dirty clothes in the hamper. Things I was thinking of as additional include watering the plants, feeding the fish, emptying the bathroom trash can, help putting away Baby’s folded laundry, sweeping piles into the dust pan and trash, emptying the dishwasher of the kid stuff, wiping their bathroom counter (so gross with the neon toothpaste), and…

I’m trying to think of something for the toys but I think that might only become clear when March is over and the playroom is organized. Any other ideas? What kind of child labor do you have going in your house?

I’m going to kill two birds with one stone and use my FO Friday picture as my weekly photo set. Some might call it cheating, but crocheting IS a part of my life so I think it counts. Otherwise, you’d get a boring picture of a bird on a car.

An ancient friend of mine’s little brother had a baby last week so I made her something. It’s kind of a big deal when the baby siblings have kids, I think. I haven’t had that experience yet but I’m pretty sure it’ll be really moving and sort of crazy if/when that happens with MutantWino and/or MutantPirate, my younger brothers. I think that’ll just make me feel really old. Anyways, the hat and booties were pretty simple to whip up but I’m a perfectionist and each one took two attempts. They’re from the book Crochet from the Heart and I think I may add this to the Wish List of books to own (borrowing it from library right now) because it’s full of very solid basic patterns that are insanely easy to modify, customize, etc to your liking. I think this type of thing is the best way to really learn crochet and so far I’m much more pleased with the book than I’d anticipated. These are my favorite kinds of books, the ones that at first glance you dismiss but then they surprise you again and again.

7/52: Kids at Work

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Assignment: Draw a picture of your family and practice writing your name. She drew herself, her two brothers, my mom, and me. I love the way she writes her name. She writes it meticulously, tiny, and very prettily.

Monkey see, monkey do, of course. He usually makes me write Mommy and all of their names but this time he was content coloring next to his sister.

Really quick spending challenge update. Some light groceries, shipping items sold on Amazon, diapers, toothpaste, and deodorant all had to be purchased since my last update leaving me with $112.86 to go. Eleven more days. No kids this weekend which can either go extremely well or extremely bad. Already turned my best friend down on an invitation to an Arts Festival and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to celebrate another friend’s birthday at a restaurant on Saturday.

I am pretty sure I’m going to have to adopt this challenge at least another month, if not a few more. I don’t want to because this has taken a lot of work to keep at these levels and it’s been pretty stressful as well, but the fact is I have no idea what to expect from Ex financially anymore. He made another small payment the other day and even that was a hundred dollars less than he’d initially told me. He also threw two pieces of news at me: One that he get a new job with a well-known communications company (cable/internet/phone type of place) and two that he would most likely move back with his parents. Moving back with his parents should free up significant income for him hopefully meaning I will be able to have more dependable income from him; however, he has been rather vague about what the pay at the new job would be like besides defining it as ”more solid” whatever that means.

I am now in debt with my parents not only because they have been helping me cover the gaps in Ex’s income but because there was a last-minute decision to re-enroll the kids in their private school this year meaning a registration fee I hadn’t been saving for because I was under the impression they weren’t going. So, that will add to the debt I owe them and because of their own financial situation, I can’t let this debt hang in there while I demolish my interest-laden debt. This also means I have to save for next year’s registration fee. This won’t be a problem going forward except that Baby is still in daycare. When he begins the school this August, daycare costs will free up but will have to go to all of this other stuff. I haven’t even mentioned summer camp which seems like an absolute no way Jose. Oh yeah, and the $1,000 I owe the lawyer.

So, right now I have the delightful scenario that involves the following: severely reduced and unreliable income from Ex, additional expenses, and additional debt. Not to mention my car is at the mechanic right now while they try to figure out why it’s leaking power steering fluid. It’s also getting a tune-up since she’s just under 110K miles. I don’t foresee being able to contribute any snowball to my debt this year. In other words, I find myself in the midst of a financial shitstorm. As a matter of fact, I worked out the absolute best situation income-wise: Ex pays the outstanding child support and pays the full amounts every month for the rest of the year. This will allow me to rebuild my crisis fund, repay my parents’ debt, the lawyer, and set aside next year’s registration fees and have $2440 leftover which will likely have to be set aside for my car (or depending on how bad the situation is right now, pay the car repair). In this best case scenario, the first snowball payment would be able to go out in August this year. The worst case scenario is that Ex pays me nothing at all the rest of the year and I end up declaring bankruptcy. So, they tell me to look in the middle and try to figure out what is most likely to happen. In that case, I calculate Ex will pay about half what he owes every month which would mean: I would have to adopt the strict spending budget for the rest of the year and will be at best breaking even on expenses until August at which point I could start repaying my parents’ debt and barely make a dent. I will be in no position to pay next year’s registration fees when they are due. This, I think, is simply a more realistic worst case scenario. I’m frustrated and nauseated.

The fact my financial health is still very much adversely affected by Ex is absolutely infuriating. I keep cutting and cutting to the bone to make ends meet, and he has the audacity to tell me he shouldn’t have to live like a pauper (while he talks to me on the newest iPhone from his laptop online in his luxury condo with a bay view with the giant LCD TV blaring ESPN in the background). All I want is to be able to get this debt off my back and it feels like every time I get close to picturing the freedom, tasting it, dreaming about it, the debt digs its claws deeper and even manages to grow. I keep trying to think of ways to increase income because that seems the only alternative left, but can’t really come up with much else besides selling my stuff bit by bit. Having kids and a full-time job makes part-time work practically impossible to have. I don’t know how many places would be willing to hire someone who can only work every Wednesday and every other weekend. When things get like this, I feel like everything is futile.

This sort of thing also makes me want to throttle myself because this right here is Instant Gratification at work. The fact is, fixing debt takes time. I know this, but I battle accepting what that really means. It means definitely not this year. It means, maybe, next year. It means, most likely, two years from now. It means slow and steady is the only option. So why do I get myself like this? I’m not even sure but I do know I’ve worn myself out.

I stayed a bit late in the office yesterday and was rewarded with this: