Image is from a 3M security glass ad campaign but it makes you wonder: If you had to do something dramatic to access your emergency fund- would you do it so often?

You know those pet peeves that are so trivial, you really have a hard time justifying devoting a lot of thought, much less an entire post to, but you just can’t stop thinking about it and you rant anyways?

This is one of those. And if you just go on and run away from this blog today, I totally get it just come back in the future because I’ve never really done this and I don’t think it’ll be much of a habit for me but today, it’s on.

I am going to make this post even more ridiculous by talking about a trivial pet peeve that is related to something I hardly even talk about anymore– personal finance. Why I don’t talk about it much anymore is another post entirely and we’ll get there one day, just not today.

Today I’m going to focus on the supposedly sacred and magnificent “emergency fund.”

Everyone who knows anything about personal finance knows about the emergency fund even if they don’t call it that but I’m not talking about those people today so don’t think about them right now. For the uninitiated (and it’s a good thing, I’m starting to think), an emergency fund is a bunch of money stashed away strictly for the use of EMERGENCIES.

From Merriam-Webster,

Definition of EMERGENCY

1: an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action

2: an urgent need for assistance or relief

When it comes to personal finance and the “emergency fund”, it’s referring to definition #2. In other words, your life just got a kick in the ass of varying size because something went wrong and it is having a direct impact on your needs being.

Did I lose you?

Ok, emergencies in the personal finance world should be things like:

It is these epic “Oh Sh!t” moments that are supposed to be when an emergency comes into play. But if you read some personal finance blogs, you would not know this. And that annoys me.

Why people tap into “emergency funds” for things outside of true emergencies is beyond my scope of understanding. You can have an emergency fund AND savings you know. As a matter of fact, you should definitely have both and they should be built up at the same time in my honest opinion because otherwise you know what’s going to keep happening– tap, tap, tap into the emergency fund. And if, god forbid, a true emergency strikes?

Having a real “emergency fund” is a pretty scary thing because it is a solid acknowledgment of the fact that the world we live in is, at its core, entirely unpredictable and out of our control. And this spans every single aspect of our lives– even the things we cherish most most dearly. It’s terrifying. And having the emergency fund as a real emergency fund is a conscious acceptance of that fact.

You know, we really can’t budget for every single curve ball life throws our way. Some are real gentle and easy to nail but others can be some sharper ones that are much harder to nail. But just because the sharper curve balls cause some sort of unpleasantness in our lives doesn’t qualify it as a real emergency.

A lot of people have a lot of different savings methods. Some people have targeted savings accounts. Some people have a myriad of savings tools in place for a myriad of different methods (like CD ladders plus mattresses plus whatever else it is that lets them sleep at night). And they’re all really cool and I think you should definitely think about something that works for you. Just leave the emergency fund alone.

Here’s an idea– leave the emergency fund for the true “Oh sh!t” moments in your life but have another fund in place for the “D@mmit” moments too, because hopefully those happen way more often in your life than the other ones do. In a perfect world neither would happen, I could eat a plate of slutty brownies without ill effect, and all three of my children would be perfect little angels who make no messes at all, ever. But that’s not the reality of the world and we just need to move on.

If you can’t decide whether or not something is worthy of an “Oh sh!t” or a “D@mmit” ask yourself this– how far are you willing to go to access the money needed to cover the expense of said “Oh sh!t”/”D@mmit” item? The ones that you would do even the thing that would make you cry? That’s an “Oh sh!t” thing and a perfectly good reason to access your emergency fund.

Do you use and abuse the term “emergency fund”? Do you think I’m being sort of insane about this? I know it’s probably a semantics thing at play but god bless my English-loving heart, I can’t let it go! Am I sort of justified? Do you do the thing where you have an emergency fund and you absolutely refuse to let it go below such and such a threshold because that’s too risky? WHY DO YOU DO THAT? Why not just take some of it out and save it elsewhere and then bulk all your savings up together? Is it because saying you have an emergency fund of such and such amount makes you feel better even though you and everyone else know it’s not just for emergencies? Is it a peace of mind thing? But wouldn’t it be better to have another fund and a TRUE emergency fund or would that be too much money in savings for you to be comfortable with? Do I need a brownie?

Mmmm slutty brownies... What was I mad about again?

And just like that, I was a college student all over again.

This time, it’s different. Which is funny because when you’re younger everyone always tells you how everything is different when you a) are older b) are married c) have kids d) are not what you are right now. And for some reason (my guess would be lack of experience), you always fight against that belief. You roll your eyes and pfft “yeah right whatever” it off. Because we are just so damn sure of ourselves when we’re younger aren’t we?

I am terrified of math. And I am so annoyed that I am terrified of math because it is for a really stupid reason.

In my Catholic middle school, there was one math teacher for the sixth, seventh, and eighth grades. I did not like her. She did not like me. Why a teacher would have a strong dislike for a heavily picked on, super nerdy, late-blooming, glasses-wearing, book-loving middle-schooler is beyond my scope of understanding. But she did.

The problem wasn’t even that she would grab me from my mom’s classroom (next to hers) after school and put me to clean up her classroom, check papers, and do other menial tasks even though she had three children of her own. It wasn’t even that she also made me do this during school hours despite the fact she gave the “better” tasks to the kids she liked.

The problem was she picked on me.

Yes. An adult. Picking on a middle schooler. I was picked on enough as it was by my classmates. Since the popular kids couldn’t be bothered to pick on me, it was the unpopular kids who had field days with me– belittling me, telling me I smelled, calling me names (Mary Magdalene was a favorite- if you’re Catholic you’ll get it), putting dirty drawings in my desk, asking me questions they knew I would be too naive to know the answer to and then laugh at my stupidity innocence. And this teacher? Not only did she do nothing to stop the behavior when it happened in her class, but she also did everything she could to show the world I was not a smart and obedient little girl but I was really just some overly doted on brat who was everyone’s favorite because she was a kiss-ass (her theory, not actual reality: see above nerdy/late-blooming description).

She did this especially well in her math class by exploiting my one fault– disorganization. She required all students maintain a math binder that was so tediously full of insanely ridiculous specifications, I didn’t even try. I gave up. I am horrible with that sort of anal-retentiveness. And so she took much delight in slashing my binders with red pens, making derisive comments in class about my craptastic mathematical abilities, and using me as an example of what not to do. When I would inevitably begin to cry she would scream at me that “Crying isn’t going to change anything” and to stop it right now I was being ridiculous. She’d storm out of her door, knock on my mother’s door (yes, in the middle of class), bring her into the classroom (yes, while all of the students were there) and scream at both of us about what a horrible little girl I was and what a drama queen and that in the real world this bullshit wouldn’t fly.

Now I don’t know if you remember, but the core of the mathematics you are going to use in high school and college are really laid out in Middle School. If you don’t get those concepts then, every other math class is an uphill war. When your math class (and seventh grade homeroom, joy) are torture sessions, you don’t learn much.

Somehow, I absorbed enough to not only not get anything lower than a C+ my entire time in Middle School, but I also scored a perfect score on my high school entrance exam– even in math. However, once I got into the classroom all of the practical application collapsed under the one crushing belief I had cultivated under Mean Math Teacher– I suck at math. High school math was a struggle and I took the easiest math classes I could manage and took the minimum requirements to graduate. In college, I picked a degree that would result in the fewest math requirements possible and even took advantage of a temporary loophole where an Intro to Microcomputers was counting for math credit. I took one actual math class in college (Finite) and passed it with the necessary C+.

Thirteen years later, I’m back at school. I’m starting off with Pre-Calculus. And I’m going to pass this class with higher than a C+. Because the fact is, I’m good with numbers. I crunch them all of the time. In other words, I am great at math. What I stumble on is nothing more than material I simply wasn’t taught because I was stuck with a teacher who cared more about fulfilling her sadistic desires than doing her damn job. And that is a really stupid reason to have difficulty in anything.

The first class was brutal. I was overwhelmed and slow and racing to keep up. When I went home, I overdosed on Khan Academy. Then I did some more the next day. On Thursday, I did the homework and except for a couple hiccups, I had no problem. At class last night, I was having no problem keeping up with the teacher. I even solved some problems ahead of her. Things are clicking. I know I need to do a lot of practice and I’m not entirely sure how I can get that practice (Khan is great but it’s missing stuff) but I’ll figure it out. I also have to kick the habit of getting panicked and frustrated when something doesn’t click right away and shut up the witchy voice that starts in on me.

So wish me some luck this semester and if you have any advice, tips, suggestions, etc. for the maths, I’d appreciate it. Because I would really like to say a big fat mental “F**k You, Mrs. Rodriguez” this semester. Pardon my French.

“Day 21″ by Kimberlyswhimsy on Flickr

That appealed to me on so many levels but mostly in that it was  a long-term plan with short-term plans in it. There was instant gratification to be had and then a big payoff at the end. But I never really did my own thing. Until this year.

I’m not even going for a Happiness Project because you know what? I am happy. I have everything I could possibly need and many things I want and happiness is there for me when I’m able to acknowledge it. Kind of like in a fleeting moment as I’m walking to the Metro station, “Wow. I’m happy.” To me, happiness is as simple as that.

You know what isn’t? Fighting off the frumpies.

I blame my 30′s. I don’t really have any hard evidence or whatever but I just find it odd that it was around the time I turned 30 that I started gaining weight at a rate I’ve never seen before in my entire life and in my places I honestly did not believe could hold fat deposits. And it’s also about the time where I just started… letting go?

There’s another a more concrete reason to this and that would be my change in jobs back in 2010 (I actually started my new job the very same Monday of my 30th birthday week).

I take the MetroRail to my new office. And that means I walk from the station to my office. And from my office to the station. And my new job is not at a simple office building, it is in an office building located on a medical campus with all sorts of buildings spread out all over the place including a hospital I have to report to occasionally during my low season and at least twice a week during my high season.

So basically, there is more walking to be done during work hours at my new job. This contrasts significantly with my previous job which involved me driving to, parking at, walking up one tiny flight of stairs, and planting my Cuban butt behind a desk for several hours. Some times I’d get up and terrorize this or that person and some times I’d even go to either the floor above or below me to do that.

So when I made the switch to a new job it was in no time at all I realized something– the stilettos had to go. And not just that but wearing my traditional office job uniform of a pencil skirt and blouse was attracting unwanted attention on the train or the sidewalks. And before I knew it I couldn’t fit into it, or 80% of my clothes, anyways.

Ever since then it’s been a practical luge ride into Frumpidom. And I hate it.

I am not and have never been a high maintenance type of gal. I get my hair cut once, maybe twice a year. I don’t get manis or pedis. I don’t buy up lots of skincare products. I don’t wear  makeup and when I do, I keep it light. I don’t do diets. I don’t go to gyms. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the way I look. If you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t know that.

The funny part about my new job is that many people on campus dress fantastically. And I wish I could just excuse myself and say it’s only the doctors and the people who drive here but I’ve seen many a polished person on the train as well. So what gives?

I’m not sure but I want to change it because I do believe the way you look affects the way you feel. And for a too-long while now I’ve been feeling dumpy. I’m not on a quest to dress sexy. I’m not on a mission to be a walking fashionista. What I want is polish. And I think I want this because it’s time for me to be kind to Me.

Every morning, I put time into doing Daughter’s hair. Most of the time it’s as simple as pulling it back into a ponytail and adding a cute clip or bow. But you know what? She looks at herself in the mirror and smiles a huge grin. And when one of her classmates or a parent or a teacher compliment her clip or her braid or her whatever, she beams.

Don’t we all?

And being exhausted, worried, stressed, hard-working women, don’t we maybe even need that sort of positive reinforcement in our lives?

There is a part of me that feels conflicted I’m having this preoccupation with my physical appearance, much less doing a year-long project dedicated towards that and not something more “noble” like getting healthier or freeing myself from debt or being more charitable or being a better mother or whatever more noble cause you can think of. I just feel that as much as there is such a thing as unhealthy preoccupation with one’s appearance, there’s also an unhealthy dismissal of one’s appearance. Maybe not for you, but apparently, it’s the case for me.

So I’m doing something about it because what’s the point in whining and complaining except that it could speed up the decline into frumpidom. And I’m going fast enough, thanks.

This month, it’s as simple as lipstick. I love lipstick. I love the texture. I love the smell. I love the taste. I love the way you have to concentrate while you apply it. I love that you have to sort of kiss yourself to get it nice and even. I love that when you kiss someone else, you leave behind a mark– a memory.

So far, it’s been going well. There’s a small group of fellow lipstick wearers on Google+ and I’ve been trying to regularly update with pictures and little things like that to keep it going and to keep it fun. I remind myself every time I’m going to step outside to stop and reapply.

And so far, it’s been making a difference. There’s this brief little happy flutter when I smack my lips and blow a kiss to the mirror. I can’t help but manage a small smile.

That’s not pathetic. Right?

* * * * I gave it 4 out of 5 stars which on Goodreads indicates “Really Liked It”. On the whole emotional reaction side, I’d mark this one as / because it’s pretty fun but does have it’s “Aw that sucks” moments.

This is my first John le Carre novel. And I don’t think it’s going to be my last. I’m not going to go le Carre crazy but I’m curious about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: A George Smiley Novel because George Smiley was a very minor character in The Spy Who Came in From the Cold but just the tiny bit they threw in about him made me interested. And I hear there’s a movie? I won’t watch it but I do like to read the books that get the Hollyood touch.

One thing I have to say is this is a spy novel, not a mystery novel and I feel that’s important to differentiate. I was often confused reading this book, and flipped back looking for this or that here and there trying to figure out just what the heck Leamas was up to or what Control was thinking. But for me, that’s fun. At least when I’m reading a spy novel. I feel like I should be clueless. And I feel like I should have a bad feeling about this or that or the other only to be proven wrong then right then wrong then right again. Sometimes, I did feel like I was very much not “in” on a lot of what was going on but isn’t that the point of the spying experience? At least as far as Leamas, the main character, is concerned.

If you’re looking for a small and entertaining book that is also executed well and written nicely, this is definitely worth a library request. There’s nothing overly heavy in here which after some of the intense reading I was doing at the end of the year was much needed for me.

Right now, I’m reading I, Claudius From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius Born 10 B.C. Murdered and Deified A.D. 54 another one I got from Robert and one I’m enjoying muchly.  What are you reading? Finish anything recently you particularly enjoyed?

One of the things on The Plan is to finish my mom’s afghan. I started this afghan last August but that I promised her back in Christmas 2010.  So even though I haven’t been actually crocheting it for as long as I thought, it’s still a long time coming.

I know I don’t have a lot of yarnies on here so I won’t get into the technicalities of it. I will say it’s a really interesting pattern done with two strands held together and a really big hook (love those). I also love the way it’s coming out and want to have it all done already but it is a time consuming project. While many people who know me and watch me crochet tell me they’re amazed at my speed, I know compared to most regular crocheters I’m a total slow-poke. The pattern is complete when the little curly things and the little diamondy things (non-technical terms in case you were wondering) are done a total of four times so I’m not even halfway through yet. Also, now you’ll know how close I am to finishing it even if you don’t know anything about crocheting and you can nag me.

I don’t know that I will do a Work In Progress Wednesday update every week but I would like to do one when I’ve made some decent progress. So if you don’t see one for another month, please harass the hell out of me. It would be awesome to have this for her Mother’s Day present.

Are you making anything right now? Tell me!!

My plans for 2012.

Did I want them? How many? What kinds? Do I want to blog about it? Where do I start? Where do I end? Do I end? Is it acceptable to plan out a new year in the first month or am I showing the world I am very lazy and should just forget it?

In the end, my need for acknowledgment won out and I sat down and started mind-mapping 2012. A technique I learned on Google+, my mind-map helped a lot.

Then I put it aside.

But I kept thinking about it. And inevitably, I’d add to it. And even though it looks quite big and messy and full, it doesn’t feel finished to me.

And I’m finally accepting that’s a good thing. Plans are great things to have, and they’re even better to scrap and start anew. But you need to have them in order to scrap them. You need something to check yourself against. You need something to measure life with. You need something to motivate you. You need something to inspire you.

The other day, I tore down my old vision board I had set up. I chuckled over how many of the things on there weren’t representing me right now.

So, what is right now?

This.

What is this? Well, let me just list it out for you, and for me. And we’ll see where that leads us, shall we? Forget priorities, there aren’t any. Let’s go alphabetical:

Blog

1) Self-host Mutant Supermodel

     a) If I can find a way to monetize the blog enough to cover costs in a non-obnoxious way

2) Blog twice a week

3) Avoid content types I dislike

     a) How-I, How-You,  Top Tens, Three Things/Ways, Sponsored

Create More

1) Crochet More

     a) Finish Mom’s Afghan of Love and Labor

2) Knit one pair of socks

3) Try new recipes

     a) One a month?

4) Craft with kids

5) Cook with kids

De-Frumpiness Project

January: Lipstick

February: Fingers and Toes

March: Mascara

April: Accessories

May: More Milk

June: Yoga

July: Skin Care

August: Underwear

September: Smile

October:

November:

December: Fruits and Veggies

Others: Hair, Positive Attitude, Clothes, Generousity

Keep Reading

1) 50 books in 2012

1 down, 49 to go!

Money

1) “Found” money goes to savings

2) Use more cash

3) Save Swagbucks

4) Simplify

A) Bills

          i) Automate as much as possible

B) Savings

          i) Automate as much as possible

          ii) Use HSBC to make it harder to reach goal-oriented savings

a) Birthdays, Car, Christmas, Registration, Summer Camp

C) Expense Tracking

5) Cook More

6) Create a debt goal

School

1) Take it easy

But go for the A

Structure

1) Better use of calendar

2) Enforce chores

3) Create schedules

  Cleaning

     Kids

     Bring back bedtime stories

     Sleep

     Family Meetings

Theme Song: “Be Ok” by Ingrid Michaelson

Travel

1) Family

Universal and Virginia

2) Adults Only

Somewhere, anywhere

In a way, this becomes not just a framework for my life, but it’s also a pretty good indicator of what might very well become my blog’s content. And of course, it’s subject to change at any time. And it probably will since this is what’s going on my now empty vision board.

A lot of these need expanding on, others need some major fleshing out still. I’ve been more concerned with just getting the stuff out of my head than with figuring out all of the details. But I have time, a whole year in fact, to work through it all.

What about you? Are you gonna wing 2012, pray for the best, and see what happens? Are are you in full strategy mode? Or are you way ahead of me and already barging through the year, plans in hand?

When: Departed on Monday, December 26. Returned on Saturday, December 31.

What: Big old road trip family vacation.

Where: We spent one night at a Hampton Inn in Rock Hill, SC on the way up. The Three Sisters log cabin is located in Montebello, VA. We also visited Spy Rock and Crab Tree Falls while in the area. We spent a night at my aunt’s house in Hampton, VA.

Why: As a child, my family used to take road trips constantly. It’s a unique way to travel and a unique experience overall. Not to mention, the desire to disconnect, to turn things off, to be present in each other’s company. I wanted my kids to try it out and see if they liked it as much as we did as kids.

Verdict: They loved it- the whole family. The kids want to go back. Well, Eldest didn’t want to leave but settled for coming back– in the summer and again in the winter. For me? It wasn’t peaceful and it wasn’t quiet. But it was family being family and that is extremely precious as well. There was no relaxing but there was a lot of experiencing and being open to what was around me and in front of me and next to me. I didn’t once think about the future or the past. I just ate everything that was happening up. I didn’t even get into major photography mode which I find bizarre because that type of situation is the stuff photographers love. But I just didn’t care to waste my time behind a little box. Yes I took photos, we all did, and there are some great ones.

Like these (click to enlarge):

Our temporary home in Montebello, VA was an authentic log cabin from the 1800's carefully modernized and cared for.

MutantBaby stomps around the wide open area around our cabin wearing a very exclusive handmade Mutant Supermodel hat.

Kids put together a Willy Wonka Gingerbread Cottage kit. I felt building it in a log cabin was the most fitting thing in the world.

The "hardy group", as my uncle referred to us, set out on a hike to Spy Rock. It's about 2 miles up and then you have to scale a big old rock. And then you get to scrabble back down and hike 2 miles down.

My cousin and I perched on top of Spy Rock freezing our tropical tushies off. Thankfully my uncle's awesome dog is a very eager lap blanket.

The "hardy group" reached the top all together. Gorgeous views up here. I mean seriously stunning. Also seriously cold. There were frozen puddles of ice all over the place.

My uncle's dog, an English Setter, quickly became the object of my children's affections. But MutantBaby in particular developed a bond with him. The dog is a pack dog and didn't mind at all being snuggled by a three year old.

When we left the log cabin, we took a bunch of family photos. This one is by far my favorite. It was inspired by my aunt and I who started walking in a Beatles' Abbey Road style when my uncle said he wanted one of everyone walking to the cabin. Before we knew it, we got the whole clan lined up. Even the dog joined in.

My mom and I wait for my dad to catch up to us on the trail to Crab Tree Falls.

At the halfway mark, half of our group went back-- my aunt and uncle, my mom, and Baby. My dad, Eldest, Daughter, and I decided to keep going the rest of the 1.7 mile hike. At the 1.6 mile marker, Daughter wanted to throw in the towel. I gave her a little pep talk.

We reached the top meaning Daughter and Eldest completed their first official hike. I am very, very proud of them for this accomplishment.

My Dad got this shot of all of us and the beautiful view from the top overlook at Crab Tree Falls.

At my aunt's house, the kids slept in sleeping bags. The dog couldn't resist and so a new pack was born. Do you see Baby snuggled all the way down in his sleeping bag under the table?

But today was a good day to start chewing the year over. I’m not done. I’m still working on things. But here’s a sneak peek at what you might see from me in post form soon.

Map of 2012: A Work in Progress

And I have discovered there is in fact a theme song for 2012…

For kicks, here are the 55 books I read in 2011. My favorites are bold and italicized.  Have you read any of these? Thoughts?

• Why Smart People Make Big Money Mistakes and How to Correct Them: Lessons from the Life-Changing Science of Behavioral Economics
• The Girl Who Played with Fire (Vintage)
• Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (Wicked Years)
• The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians)
• Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui
• Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Revised and Updated for the 21st Century
• The Sea of Monsters (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 2)
• The Titan’s Curse (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 3)
• Diary of a Wimpy Kid
• V for Vendetta
• The Battle of the Labyrinth (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 4)
• The Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book Five: Last Olympian
• The Passage
• The Lonely Polygamist: A Novel
• Outlander
• Organizing from the Inside Out, Second Edition: The Foolproof System For Organizing Your Home, Your Office and Your Life
• The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero
• The Red Pyramid (The Kane Chronicles, Book 1)
• The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest
• Soulless (The Parasol Protectorate)
• The Help
• Darkfever (Fever Series, Book 1)
• Kiss & Tell
• Your Money: The Missing Manual
• PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God
• Bloodfever: The Fever Series
• Faefever: The Fever Series
• Dreamfever: The Fever Series
• A Wild Sheep Chase
• How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe
• Sarah’s Key
• The Lacuna
• The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles
• Beastly
• Shadowfever
• A Dirty Job
• Just Kids
• Farm City: The Education of an Urban Farmer
• A Very Private Gentleman
• The Remains of the Day
• A Kiss in Time
• Cloaked
• The Poisonwood Bible
• Bossypants
• Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
• A Visit from the Goon Squad
• The Iron Duke
• POPism: The Warhol Sixties
• Changeless (The Parasol Protectorate)
• Blameless (The Parasol Protectorate)
• My Own Two Feet: A Memoir
• Fool: A Novel
• Revolutionary Road
• Rabbit, Run
• Lolita

I sort of feel like my mind is in a bit of a haze and I’m just bumbling along. No maps, no plans, no worries?

Well not really but yes kind of.

I doubt very highly I’ll be posting again before the year is up so I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a very wonderful New Year. I’ve seen a lot of pain around me this year. I’ve read it in your blogs. I’ve heard it in the stories of my friends and my family. I see it flash by in the news streams. It’s been sort of depressing this year.

I was very optimistic about 2012 and I’m not really sure I still feel that way. I want to be. But… it’s not coming to me.

I want to disconnect as much as possible next week. I think I’ll definitely have a good chance the first two nights we’re in the mountains.  I’ll be bringing a journal with me and hopefully I’ll be able to write out what has been meandering beneath the surface. Journaling has always been very good for my heart. I haven’t done as much lately as I used to. And that might be a reason why I’m sort of hazy and foggy. Floating through.

So many people are getting ready for a new year. There are projects and plans, goals and resolutions, lists long and lists short. I want to as well. I know that I do better when I have these things in place. I feel better. I accomplish more. But I’m having a hard time putting thoughts together, following them through, working things out. Little details are tripping me up. Unknowns are fogging up the view.

It’s funny because as much as this time of year is about giving, and it really truly is, it also brings up wantings.

What do you want? What do I want?

“What do I want?” indeed.

I’ve been getting asked that a lot. For Christmas purposes mostly. I ask myself for different purposes.

“I don’t know” is the automatic response. I really don’t.

Because all of the things I do want are silly little things. Baubles and trinkets. Flairs and flounces. Extras. Upgrades.

And that’s good. But it’s also meaningless.

And that’s where I get tripped up. That’s where I get sad. Because if I have everything I want… what’s the point?

I don’t want this to come off selfish or gluttonous. That’s not what I’m trying to say.

I mean to say that my basic wants are satisfied, fully and thoroughly. So that leads me to focus on the more complex wants.

That’s where things get tricky. Confusing. Scary.

Long term thoughts. Long term goals. Long term plans.

Even mid term ones.

The short term ones should come from those but without those…

It’s not that I’m glum, I’m just numb. It’s not a bad thing, or a good thing, it’s just a thing. And I just have to work through it all to come out with something I think will be pretty exciting and great and special for me.

So, whatever your celebration of choice may be, may you have a lovely one. May your year end peacefully and blissfully. May your year begin positively and steadily. I’ll see you all very soon.