22: wii-fit by zigeunerweisen on Flickr

I’m starting to believe that what was initially conceived as a silly and somewhat indulgent idea, my De-Frumpiness Project, is evolving into something deeper and more significant. When you start to pay attention to yourself every day, there’s a lot to notice. Last month I indulged in lipstick. This month I’m trying to keep my finger and toe nails pretty and healthy– although maybe not as colorful as I’d initially anticipated going into this challenge– nail polish is just too vulnerable to my lifestyle.

But, there are other little things that are going on too. I’m straightening my hair every now and then. I’m wearing my heels at work more often. I’m managing to at least wear my kids’ Square 1 art pendants. And I’m finally completely and totally fed up with the abuse I’ve heaped on my body the past couple of years courtesy of overindulging on food and completely abandoning some sort of exercise.

A lot of people tell me I’m being silly, that I look really great. And I truly appreciate the compliments, I do. But. I feel like crap. I’m not sleeping properly. I have total energy lapses throughout the day. I’m extremely impatient and irritable too many times. And I’m often fighting off the blues one way or another. You can’t convince me the 20 pounds I have gained in the past two and a half years have nothing to do with any of that.

In the past few days, I have read two really well-written and interesting pieces. The first was the New York Times article, How Companies Learn Your Secrets. I know it seems completely unrelated to what I’m talking about, but it turns out the article is written by Charles Duhigg who has a new book coming out next Tuesday called, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. And it turns out the reason companies are able to figure out so much information about us is because we are predictable– creatures of habit.

The article is more fascinating than creepy. I thought it was packed to the gills with some really interesting information and yes, I’m intrigued by Duhigg’s upcoming book.

And then yesterday, the next dot to be connected for me came on Google+ (Are you on there yet? It’s amazing). An article from the Harvard Business review was shared on my stream, Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time.  I can relate to every single guy featured in that piece. I took the audit and scored perfectly in the “Full-fledged energy management crisis” section. Of the four categories– Body, Emotions, Mind, and Spirit the hardest hit was Body, but not by much.

And you know what stuck out to me once again? Habits. There were habits everywhere– bad ones that needed to stop and good ones that needed to be created. The two pieces go together exceptionally well.

I hate thinking of myself as a creature of habit. I like to think I’m spontaneous and unpredictable, in a good way. But when I step back and look at myself, I see I am a creature of habit but there are too many bad ones and not enough good ones. And I am spontaneous and unpredictable, but not always in a good way.

Yesterday, it dawned on me that it was Fat Tuesday and today Christians everywhere begin observing Lent. In my Catholic upbringing, this meant sacrificing something for 40 days. And in way, I’m going to go ahead and do just that but I’m not really doing it out of reverence or anything like that. I’m doing it because I need a kick in the (bigger, plushier) booty.

I got up this morning at 5 and worked out on the Wii Fit Plus. I actually upgraded to this from the old school Wii Fit for the purpose of this project. I would like to do some form of exercise for 30 minutes every single day. It doesn’t have to be all out insanity where I tear my muscles to smithereens and then let them recover. I’m not into that. Some days, it’ll be yoga. Some days it’ll be dancing to the Just Sweat mode on Just Dance 3. Other days, it’ll be checking out a new routine on the Wii Fit Plus. After ten days, I’m going to reward myself– either with a new exercise Wii game or a new exercise DVD so I keep it fresh.

I’d also like to get more sleep and eat better, but those are sort of lurker goals right now. I’m happy with this direction I’m moving in. I feel empowered. I go through these phases in my life where I truly feel like my life is in my hands and I am at the wheel and I can get to where I want to go. And it’s not just the physical aspects of my life I feel good about. Everything is behaving properly right now. My money is doing what it’s supposed to. I am enjoying my children and my boyfriend. School continues (no test grade back yet, boo). Work has been flowing beautifully, like a well-navigated ship. So I’m enjoying the ride and taking advantage of the strength as long as I can.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve reached the end of my Ultradian rhythm.

75/365 A Measure of Self Worth by ~*Leah*~ on Flickr

Last week, I reviewed Jen Hatmaker’s book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. It got some good feedback (even from the author!). One of the comments left was this one:

I don’t get it?! what’s wrong with having things and living a happy life?! why do we always have to cut back on things…

And I thought, “Those are good questions and deserve a post reflecting on them.” So here we are.

There is nothing wrong with a) having things and b) living a happy life. However, they are not inclusive of each other. We all know of the people who have lots of things and don’t live happy lives. Need examples? Look at the celebrities who unexpectedly lost their lives to substance abuse– legal or otherwise. And of course not having things doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy life either. If you actually know people who live below the poverty line, you now they are not all living unhappy lives.

The bottom line is, having things is not an indicator of happiness. Personally, I believe everyone has a baseline of happiness that is tied to having things.

Ok, let’s think about food for a minute. Everyone needs a certain bare minimum of food to survive. After you meet that bare minimum, you should take in food and manage it in a way to maintain your body in a healthy way. We all have our own personal cutoffs when it comes to food– that level where you know you’ve exceeded the amount you need to be healthy. The beauty is, we have actual evidence of this right? We have indicators of whether we’re managing our food intake properly. You can be underweight, healthy, overweight, obese, or morbidly obese. When you hit the range of excess– overweight, obese, or morbidly obese, there’s only one way to get back to healthy– eat less.

The important thing to remember is this– although there are standard indicators of whether or not you are eating correctly, there is no standard on the exact amount of food a person should take in to be healthy. A quick search on the web reveals the “recommended” number of calories a young woman takes in a day is different than a young pregnant woman. Children at different ages have different recommendations as well. Bodybuilders require a different amount of calories than an average man. And anyone who’s ever even bothered counting calories knows that’s not the whole story.

We know that I have a different metabolism rate than you do so even though we might be the same age, weight, and height I need less calories a day than you do because I metabolize differently than you do. We also know there are different types of calories right? There are healthy calories and empty calories for instance. So you see, what works for me as far as how much food I should eat will simply not work for you.

Money? Is the exact same thing.

The hardest part is determining your financial number of calories. But, it’s just something you have got to do. What do I mean?

Figuring out your own personal “enoughness”.

What is enough house for you? What is enough car for you? Enough clothes? Enough entertainment? Enough education? Enough charity? Enough beauty? What is enough time spent earning money?

We are told throughout our lives, “The sky’s the limit!” and it is, but it’s most likely not the right limit for you or for me or for anyone really.

Determining what is your very own enough is one of the most liberating experiences you can imagine. Just getting started on figuring it all out generates a really calm feeling in your soul.

Why?

We don’t like endlessness. We don’t like not knowing where we’re headed. We don’t like not knowing the plan. We don’t like being at the mercy of others.

When you don’t take personal responsibility for determining your very own Enough, you are putting yourself in the hands of others. And you are putting yourself in the hands of two types of others– the type who are as clueless, blind, and lost as you are and the type who have their own levels of Enough set and they want you to get them there.

Now that I think I squared away the first half of the comment, let’s do the second half–

why do we always have to cut back on things…

Try this little mental exercise for me, ok? I’d say close your eyes but you wouldn’t be able to read the rest of it. So, empty your mind as much as possible.

In your mind’s eye, picture yourself. Go ahead and do a really good job fleshing yourself out there. Don’t do an imaginary you or a fantasy you. Add the pounds. Put some clothes on even if it’s a bit wrinkly. Figure your hair out. Give yourself a facial expression you like. Don’t forget the details– a wedding ring, shoes, glasses or contact lenses, a laptop case or a purse, etc.

Ok now that you’ve got you, add anyone you help support in a significant way. Children, parents, siblings, significant others, etc. And now put yourself in your home. Map out all of your rooms. Drop all of your furniture into them. Fill your fridge up the way you’ve got it right now. Go ahead and turn the TV on. Check the closets. Open the drawers. Have a pet? Don’t forget to set out their food and water.

And just keep going. Think about any car you might have. Think about everything you and/or your loved ones did in the past week. Think of the doctor visits, the breakfasts, the lunches, the dinners, Valentine’s Day, the movie rentals/streaming, the craft projects, the groceries, the clothes you laundered, the floors you washed, the toilets you scrubbed, the ride to and from work, and so on and so forth.

Do you see “enough”? Do you even see abundance? If you are honestly looking at just YOU, you most probably do. When we start bringing in other comparison points, things diminish and lose their luster don’t they?

And that’s the point. Just like your food diet is not going to work for me, your neighbor’s things are not going to work for you. Once you’re at Enough, everything else isn’t going to do anything for you. Just like with food, you can even reach a level of Too Much. And that’s when you start cutting back and doing so joyously.

When you’re losing weight, do you bemoan the pounds as they roll back? Do you suffer anxiety as your clothes becomes looser and looser on you? Of course not! Because you know you are on the way to health.

This ties back to what I mentioned in my review of 7. The unique thing about her approach was she turned her diet into an opportunity to benefit others. And maybe this is something you can try if the idea or act of cutting back in your life disturbs you. Imagine if there was a way doctors could take the weight you lost and give it to someone chronically underweight. Wouldn’t that motivate you to lose even more? The same thing applies with charity.

I’d like to believe that most of us care for people outside of ourselves. That’s the beauty of Enough. When you have Enough, you’re free to give and care for others. You can send your niece to college. You can volunteer at a hospital. You can donate to a food bank or a homeless shelter. You can hire a cleaning lady for your friend with cancer.

We tend to focus on people who have more than us when we seek comparison. And when we do, it’s pretty yucky feeling. We don’t stack up. But if we compare to those who have less, I believe we will more often than not  find ourselves wanting to help and we will always feel grateful, which is a pretty nice feeling.

So there you are. That’s my very long answer to your very short comment. What about you, readers? Do you see enough? Do you see abundance? Do you compare a lot to others around you even in external ways like TV shows, movies, ads, etc.? Are you still working on figuring out your Enough?

Here are the cards we made this year. i think making them got the kids more into the holiday and Eldest even asked if we could do this every year, which is surprising from an 8 year old boy.

You're a real gem of a friend!

I'm MAD about you! I can't LIB without you!

You're the best Valentine, hands down!

And finally, I woke up at 5:15 so I would have time to pick these up for breakfast.

Have a great day and do wish me some luck or say a prayer or do a little voodoo thing for me will you?

Oh this book. This book took me completely and utterly by surprise. For Christmas, a friend gave me 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess because she thought I’d like what she took to be the general theme of the book from the blurb in the back– this lady scales back in 7 aspects of her material life. Yeah I love that stuff.

What is not glaringly obvious from the main blurb in the back is that this book is written by a pastor’s wife who’s also a speaker on Christianity. You have to look at the fine print for that and then it’s like “How in the hell did I miss that?”

When I started the book, this was an unpleasant surprise. Holy bible quotes everywhere. Not to mention the fact that God, Jesus, Christ, Jesus Christ, Lord, Holy Spirit, etc. get mentioned about 5 times per page. Usually bible quotes combined with a zealous use of Jesus name drops is very much not a good thing for me. My hypocrisy senses start tingling and I usually back away as quickly as possible while trying to not draw attention to myself.

But this is a book, not a person, and there WAS the whole thing about cutting back the excess in the seven areas of her life: Food, Clothes, Spending, Media, Possessions, Waste, and Stress. And she even broke it down into monthly projects. Which I always am a sucker for. Always.

Oddly enough, this book was part of a rhyming event in my brain as I had lately been thinking about the Republicans and the huge conservative shove to strip down “entitlement” programs in favor of a smaller government and more money in their pockets in the form of lower taxes that they have somehow mixed up with a fervent “We love Jesus and the Bible and truly want to protect Christianity” message.

And I kept thinking about how damn hypocritical it felt to me because even though I don’t practice anymore, I sure as heck know all about “Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ” thanks to being raised by a really strict Catholic family and going through Catholic education from Kinder through High School. I’ve read the Bible thing those guys love front to back, inside out . Heck I even used to read the Bible out loud for the benefit of others as I was one of the lecterns at Church. And if there’s one thing I know about the Jesus that is in the Bible, it’s that he can’t possibly be the same Jesus the Republican candidates vow to love and protect to woo a bunch of Christian votes.

It turns out Jen Hatmaker apparently sees a lot of the glaring hypocrisies in American Christian churches today that I do. I can’t stand churches and I can’t stand the Christians that practice what I see as a Capitalism is Awesome form of Christianity. She is just way totally nicer about pointing them out than I am.

Let’s face it guys, Jesus was a dirty homeless hippie. You want to know the truth? Every time someone makes a derisive comment about “bleeding heart liberals” one image comes to mind:

If you really think the same dude who gave away free wine for his first miracle and later sat on a mountain giving away fish and bread all day would be against programs like Food Stamps or WIC, you’re wrong. If you think the same guy who made it a point to always seek out and include society’s shunned ones would be against extending this and other forms of assistance to as many people as possible, you’d also be wrong. If you really think the same guy who walked around healing lepers, restoring sight to the blind, and even raising people from the dead would be against free health care for everyone you’d be totally and completely wrong yet again. If you think the guy who talked about how awesome the Samaritan guy was for helping feed, shelter, and heal a total stranger no questions asked would want people to lift themselves up by their own bootstraps, well I’m pretty sure you’re in the totally wrong church.

You can imagine then why Jen Hatmaker turned my insides cold when she made the observation that, speaking on a personal finance level, you could interpret “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” into an equation where you live off 50% of your income and use the other 50% to love all of your neighbors.

I think it was around there that I started thinking, “Oh wow. She is a total Jesus Christ lover geek but she actually gets it. That’s… rare.”

Jen’s story is inspiring, moving, and interesting. Lots of people do projects where they eliminate this, that, and the other from their lives in big ways. But until Jen’s book, I was yet to read someone who took the experience and turned it into a movement to help those around her. De-cluttering is only half the battle. I missed the memo but I’m glad I got it this time.

Personally, I don’t think you need to be associated with a faith or a church or anything to look around you and do good for the world but I would likely be very interested in at least linking up with a church like Jen’s because it would give me an excellent way to lend a hand to the community. That moves me greatly.

Personally I found that my favorite thing about the book was the fact that I would read her experiences and think, “That is a brilliant idea. I want to do that for someone. How would I even start to do something like that?” Her book is a reflection and a call to action. A really loud, persistent one that somehow manages to remain humble and honest at the same time.

I strongly recommend the book even if you’re like me and things like churches and Jesus Christ give you the Hypocrisy Heebie Jeebies. Because I actually think Jen Hatmaker might be authentic. What she is teaching and what she is practicing makes more sense to me as an example of a true Christian than the classic modern representations of Christians today.

If you feel there is just TOO MUCH in your life– too much crap, too much stress, too much noise, too much madness, too much sadness, too much to deal with– grab this book. I think you’ll be moved.

By the way, the rhyming events continue. Last night, I caught this completely nauseating piece about Christian Louboutin at the Bal Harbor Shops. While I think many of his shoes are beautiful works of art, I can’t move past nausea thinking of the cost. I honestly wanted to weep when the woman so breezily admitted to owning about 100 pairs of the red-soled extravagances. Something is really messed up in our world. I’m glad there are people like the Hatmakers working to change things. I want to be one of them too but man is it scary.

P.S. What is a rhyming event? The term comes from this RadioLab podcast (omg I forgot to tell you about the Live Show of theirs I went to last week- future post) called “The Universe Knows My Name“. I like to think of them as dots waiting to be connected. Coincidences that can’t be so easily brushed away.

P.P.S. I keep thinking about this book every time I read another update from the many participants in Carla’s De-Cluttering Challenge for February. Rhyming event, rhyming event, rhyming event!

Sick Days by Half.Jak on Flickr

About two weeks ago, Daughter woke up at 5 in the morning and vomited all over the place. And so began a crazy day of her body emptying itself out courtesy of vomit and diarrhea that was on and off several days. It was a nightmare of a stomach virus and it had run rampant through the kids’ school even landing a couple kids in the hospital with severe dehydration.

It sucked Daughter pretty dry too, rendering her already tiny skinny little body into an even tinier and skinnier little body. I fought with her to keep her hydrated getting Gatorade into her in sips and when she tired of that, counting on ice chips. Food was iffy. But slowly she got better and ate more and drank more and now, she’s totally fine.

Last Thursday, I was sitting on the train on the way to work reading 1984 when suddenly I felt very very wrong. I was hot and sweaty and clammy and cold all at the same time. I yanked off my sweater and put the book away. I wondered why I was suddenly motion sick. I’ve read on the train lots of times. I focused on looking out the window and not puking. I felt pale and shaken when I got to work and right away told my co-worker what had happened and that I’d be in my office with my head down to see if it would pass.

A couple of hours later it was my turn to run to the bathroom and after that go home. I pretty much spent the entire weekend lying down either on the sofa or the bed. The only exceptions would of course be the runs to the bathroom. Especially Saturday. Oh Saturday you sucked so bad.

I actually fared better than my daughter in that I was not treated to the combo of body-empyting strategies she was. My body chose one and ran with it. Needless to say, I’m still a bit blegh. I’m eating bread and jello and drinking Gatorade. I’m sometimes hungry but often not. And honestly I’m scared to eat.

Getting sick sucks for everyone. For a single mom, it’s just beyond aggravating.

This weekend, the kids were with their father. And although I was relieved I didn’t have that worry to contend with, I was constantly agonizing about all of the things I usually get done those weekends of mine. Those are the weekends I stock up on groceries. Those are the weekends I do laundry. Those are the weekends I do some sort of major clean up project. And there’s the stuff I do every weekend too.

And here I was laying down.

Today I’ve come into work and there is so much work-related stuff to do. I just sat and plugged away and the hours flew by. I forced myself to take a break, this is it, and I really have to get back to it.

But I’m stressing because of all the time I lost this weekend and what a hectic couple of weeks I have coming up. This was the weekend I was going to study pretty in-depth for my first pre-calculus test on the 14th. I barely remembered to pay bills. I have to do groceries again and have no idea when that opportunity will come. The laundry. Oh my god the laundry. I wanted to get my taxes going. The house is a trashed mess, pretty much in the same chaotic state as Thursday when the kids came home. I’ve got to withdraw the money for the rent. And there’s other stuff that was so clear a few days ago and is now hazy and lurking in the shadows brought on by this illness.

Just when you feel you’re getting things on a schedule, a routine is emerging, and things are clicking you get swiped and too easily things get derailed. The same thing happens at work. I was gone for two days and I have come back today to towers of things that need to get done two weeks ago.

Hi my name is Sisyphus and this is my rock and that’s the mountain I need to get it up.

The goal was easy to define– wear lipstick every time I went out for 31 days. Now that it’s over, here are my thoughts.

It was easy to remember to wear lipstick when I: was going to work, was leaving work, was going to school, was going out with my friend who was playing along with me, and when I went out to an event.

It was hard to remember to wear lipstick when I: was spending the day in the house, was going out somewhere not special with the boyfriend, was running errands, and was stressed out.

I love the texture and smell of lipstick. I love the way it shapes and changes with constant use. I love how simple lipstick makes being bold. I love the ritual involved with putting on lipstick. I love the way it gets left behind when you kiss someone.

I hate how fast it disappears and how it disappears from the center out leaving you with a lipstick ring of doom which means reapply, reapply, reapply.

It made me feel pretty and feminine but also made me self-conscious of my teeth and smile which was a side effect I was not expecting.

It made me realize how much sexuality we attach to the mouth. I can’t tell you how awkward it was for me to photograph my mouth and not feel the photo looked suggestive. The one with the straw was particularly trying. Either I have a hyper gutter brain or I am being pillaged with sexual imagery concerning the mouth way more than I would ever have imagined.

This one was a fun little activity I highly recommend anyone feeling under the weather or less than desirable should undertake. Lipstick is a shot of color into your day. It’s also a quick and tiny “me” thing you can do– and cheap too if you rock CVS the way I do.

For February, it’s all about the Fingers and Toes. I have a very bad habit of tearing my nails, cuticles, even nail polish. This includes my poor little toes. Instead of going fancy and committing to going to a salon for the manicure/pedicure treatment, I’m committing to just maintaining nice fingers and toes. All paint is to be applied by me and will consist of the lots and lots of nail polish I already own unless I am able to snag up some free or super cheap polish at CVS during the month. I have to stop the habit of tearing and peeling. It’s gross and it’s painful. If I need to get my nails down to size, it’s either cut and/or file.

So that’s it for me for February– simple and clean nails. If there’s paint I have to keep it looking nice or take it off. No scratched up or smudged polishes. Anyone want to play? If you’re on Google+, circle me here. I put most of the updates to the De-Frumpiness Project on there. Otherwise, I’ll post every now and then on the blog and you can update me on your blog too!

Image is from a 3M security glass ad campaign but it makes you wonder: If you had to do something dramatic to access your emergency fund- would you do it so often?

You know those pet peeves that are so trivial, you really have a hard time justifying devoting a lot of thought, much less an entire post to, but you just can’t stop thinking about it and you rant anyways?

This is one of those. And if you just go on and run away from this blog today, I totally get it just come back in the future because I’ve never really done this and I don’t think it’ll be much of a habit for me but today, it’s on.

I am going to make this post even more ridiculous by talking about a trivial pet peeve that is related to something I hardly even talk about anymore– personal finance. Why I don’t talk about it much anymore is another post entirely and we’ll get there one day, just not today.

Today I’m going to focus on the supposedly sacred and magnificent “emergency fund.”

Everyone who knows anything about personal finance knows about the emergency fund even if they don’t call it that but I’m not talking about those people today so don’t think about them right now. For the uninitiated (and it’s a good thing, I’m starting to think), an emergency fund is a bunch of money stashed away strictly for the use of EMERGENCIES.

From Merriam-Webster,

Definition of EMERGENCY

1: an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action

2: an urgent need for assistance or relief

When it comes to personal finance and the “emergency fund”, it’s referring to definition #2. In other words, your life just got a kick in the ass of varying size because something went wrong and it is having a direct impact on your needs being.

Did I lose you?

Ok, emergencies in the personal finance world should be things like:

It is these epic “Oh Sh!t” moments that are supposed to be when an emergency comes into play. But if you read some personal finance blogs, you would not know this. And that annoys me.

Why people tap into “emergency funds” for things outside of true emergencies is beyond my scope of understanding. You can have an emergency fund AND savings you know. As a matter of fact, you should definitely have both and they should be built up at the same time in my honest opinion because otherwise you know what’s going to keep happening– tap, tap, tap into the emergency fund. And if, god forbid, a true emergency strikes?

Having a real “emergency fund” is a pretty scary thing because it is a solid acknowledgment of the fact that the world we live in is, at its core, entirely unpredictable and out of our control. And this spans every single aspect of our lives– even the things we cherish most most dearly. It’s terrifying. And having the emergency fund as a real emergency fund is a conscious acceptance of that fact.

You know, we really can’t budget for every single curve ball life throws our way. Some are real gentle and easy to nail but others can be some sharper ones that are much harder to nail. But just because the sharper curve balls cause some sort of unpleasantness in our lives doesn’t qualify it as a real emergency.

A lot of people have a lot of different savings methods. Some people have targeted savings accounts. Some people have a myriad of savings tools in place for a myriad of different methods (like CD ladders plus mattresses plus whatever else it is that lets them sleep at night). And they’re all really cool and I think you should definitely think about something that works for you. Just leave the emergency fund alone.

Here’s an idea– leave the emergency fund for the true “Oh sh!t” moments in your life but have another fund in place for the “D@mmit” moments too, because hopefully those happen way more often in your life than the other ones do. In a perfect world neither would happen, I could eat a plate of slutty brownies without ill effect, and all three of my children would be perfect little angels who make no messes at all, ever. But that’s not the reality of the world and we just need to move on.

If you can’t decide whether or not something is worthy of an “Oh sh!t” or a “D@mmit” ask yourself this– how far are you willing to go to access the money needed to cover the expense of said “Oh sh!t”/”D@mmit” item? The ones that you would do even the thing that would make you cry? That’s an “Oh sh!t” thing and a perfectly good reason to access your emergency fund.

Do you use and abuse the term “emergency fund”? Do you think I’m being sort of insane about this? I know it’s probably a semantics thing at play but god bless my English-loving heart, I can’t let it go! Am I sort of justified? Do you do the thing where you have an emergency fund and you absolutely refuse to let it go below such and such a threshold because that’s too risky? WHY DO YOU DO THAT? Why not just take some of it out and save it elsewhere and then bulk all your savings up together? Is it because saying you have an emergency fund of such and such amount makes you feel better even though you and everyone else know it’s not just for emergencies? Is it a peace of mind thing? But wouldn’t it be better to have another fund and a TRUE emergency fund or would that be too much money in savings for you to be comfortable with? Do I need a brownie?

Mmmm slutty brownies... What was I mad about again?

And just like that, I was a college student all over again.

This time, it’s different. Which is funny because when you’re younger everyone always tells you how everything is different when you a) are older b) are married c) have kids d) are not what you are right now. And for some reason (my guess would be lack of experience), you always fight against that belief. You roll your eyes and pfft “yeah right whatever” it off. Because we are just so damn sure of ourselves when we’re younger aren’t we?

I am terrified of math. And I am so annoyed that I am terrified of math because it is for a really stupid reason.

In my Catholic middle school, there was one math teacher for the sixth, seventh, and eighth grades. I did not like her. She did not like me. Why a teacher would have a strong dislike for a heavily picked on, super nerdy, late-blooming, glasses-wearing, book-loving middle-schooler is beyond my scope of understanding. But she did.

The problem wasn’t even that she would grab me from my mom’s classroom (next to hers) after school and put me to clean up her classroom, check papers, and do other menial tasks even though she had three children of her own. It wasn’t even that she also made me do this during school hours despite the fact she gave the “better” tasks to the kids she liked.

The problem was she picked on me.

Yes. An adult. Picking on a middle schooler. I was picked on enough as it was by my classmates. Since the popular kids couldn’t be bothered to pick on me, it was the unpopular kids who had field days with me– belittling me, telling me I smelled, calling me names (Mary Magdalene was a favorite- if you’re Catholic you’ll get it), putting dirty drawings in my desk, asking me questions they knew I would be too naive to know the answer to and then laugh at my stupidity innocence. And this teacher? Not only did she do nothing to stop the behavior when it happened in her class, but she also did everything she could to show the world I was not a smart and obedient little girl but I was really just some overly doted on brat who was everyone’s favorite because she was a kiss-ass (her theory, not actual reality: see above nerdy/late-blooming description).

She did this especially well in her math class by exploiting my one fault– disorganization. She required all students maintain a math binder that was so tediously full of insanely ridiculous specifications, I didn’t even try. I gave up. I am horrible with that sort of anal-retentiveness. And so she took much delight in slashing my binders with red pens, making derisive comments in class about my craptastic mathematical abilities, and using me as an example of what not to do. When I would inevitably begin to cry she would scream at me that “Crying isn’t going to change anything” and to stop it right now I was being ridiculous. She’d storm out of her door, knock on my mother’s door (yes, in the middle of class), bring her into the classroom (yes, while all of the students were there) and scream at both of us about what a horrible little girl I was and what a drama queen and that in the real world this bullshit wouldn’t fly.

Now I don’t know if you remember, but the core of the mathematics you are going to use in high school and college are really laid out in Middle School. If you don’t get those concepts then, every other math class is an uphill war. When your math class (and seventh grade homeroom, joy) are torture sessions, you don’t learn much.

Somehow, I absorbed enough to not only not get anything lower than a C+ my entire time in Middle School, but I also scored a perfect score on my high school entrance exam– even in math. However, once I got into the classroom all of the practical application collapsed under the one crushing belief I had cultivated under Mean Math Teacher– I suck at math. High school math was a struggle and I took the easiest math classes I could manage and took the minimum requirements to graduate. In college, I picked a degree that would result in the fewest math requirements possible and even took advantage of a temporary loophole where an Intro to Microcomputers was counting for math credit. I took one actual math class in college (Finite) and passed it with the necessary C+.

Thirteen years later, I’m back at school. I’m starting off with Pre-Calculus. And I’m going to pass this class with higher than a C+. Because the fact is, I’m good with numbers. I crunch them all of the time. In other words, I am great at math. What I stumble on is nothing more than material I simply wasn’t taught because I was stuck with a teacher who cared more about fulfilling her sadistic desires than doing her damn job. And that is a really stupid reason to have difficulty in anything.

The first class was brutal. I was overwhelmed and slow and racing to keep up. When I went home, I overdosed on Khan Academy. Then I did some more the next day. On Thursday, I did the homework and except for a couple hiccups, I had no problem. At class last night, I was having no problem keeping up with the teacher. I even solved some problems ahead of her. Things are clicking. I know I need to do a lot of practice and I’m not entirely sure how I can get that practice (Khan is great but it’s missing stuff) but I’ll figure it out. I also have to kick the habit of getting panicked and frustrated when something doesn’t click right away and shut up the witchy voice that starts in on me.

So wish me some luck this semester and if you have any advice, tips, suggestions, etc. for the maths, I’d appreciate it. Because I would really like to say a big fat mental “F**k You, Mrs. Rodriguez” this semester. Pardon my French.

“Day 21″ by Kimberlyswhimsy on Flickr

That appealed to me on so many levels but mostly in that it was  a long-term plan with short-term plans in it. There was instant gratification to be had and then a big payoff at the end. But I never really did my own thing. Until this year.

I’m not even going for a Happiness Project because you know what? I am happy. I have everything I could possibly need and many things I want and happiness is there for me when I’m able to acknowledge it. Kind of like in a fleeting moment as I’m walking to the Metro station, “Wow. I’m happy.” To me, happiness is as simple as that.

You know what isn’t? Fighting off the frumpies.

I blame my 30′s. I don’t really have any hard evidence or whatever but I just find it odd that it was around the time I turned 30 that I started gaining weight at a rate I’ve never seen before in my entire life and in my places I honestly did not believe could hold fat deposits. And it’s also about the time where I just started… letting go?

There’s another a more concrete reason to this and that would be my change in jobs back in 2010 (I actually started my new job the very same Monday of my 30th birthday week).

I take the MetroRail to my new office. And that means I walk from the station to my office. And from my office to the station. And my new job is not at a simple office building, it is in an office building located on a medical campus with all sorts of buildings spread out all over the place including a hospital I have to report to occasionally during my low season and at least twice a week during my high season.

So basically, there is more walking to be done during work hours at my new job. This contrasts significantly with my previous job which involved me driving to, parking at, walking up one tiny flight of stairs, and planting my Cuban butt behind a desk for several hours. Some times I’d get up and terrorize this or that person and some times I’d even go to either the floor above or below me to do that.

So when I made the switch to a new job it was in no time at all I realized something– the stilettos had to go. And not just that but wearing my traditional office job uniform of a pencil skirt and blouse was attracting unwanted attention on the train or the sidewalks. And before I knew it I couldn’t fit into it, or 80% of my clothes, anyways.

Ever since then it’s been a practical luge ride into Frumpidom. And I hate it.

I am not and have never been a high maintenance type of gal. I get my hair cut once, maybe twice a year. I don’t get manis or pedis. I don’t buy up lots of skincare products. I don’t wear  makeup and when I do, I keep it light. I don’t do diets. I don’t go to gyms. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the way I look. If you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t know that.

The funny part about my new job is that many people on campus dress fantastically. And I wish I could just excuse myself and say it’s only the doctors and the people who drive here but I’ve seen many a polished person on the train as well. So what gives?

I’m not sure but I want to change it because I do believe the way you look affects the way you feel. And for a too-long while now I’ve been feeling dumpy. I’m not on a quest to dress sexy. I’m not on a mission to be a walking fashionista. What I want is polish. And I think I want this because it’s time for me to be kind to Me.

Every morning, I put time into doing Daughter’s hair. Most of the time it’s as simple as pulling it back into a ponytail and adding a cute clip or bow. But you know what? She looks at herself in the mirror and smiles a huge grin. And when one of her classmates or a parent or a teacher compliment her clip or her braid or her whatever, she beams.

Don’t we all?

And being exhausted, worried, stressed, hard-working women, don’t we maybe even need that sort of positive reinforcement in our lives?

There is a part of me that feels conflicted I’m having this preoccupation with my physical appearance, much less doing a year-long project dedicated towards that and not something more “noble” like getting healthier or freeing myself from debt or being more charitable or being a better mother or whatever more noble cause you can think of. I just feel that as much as there is such a thing as unhealthy preoccupation with one’s appearance, there’s also an unhealthy dismissal of one’s appearance. Maybe not for you, but apparently, it’s the case for me.

So I’m doing something about it because what’s the point in whining and complaining except that it could speed up the decline into frumpidom. And I’m going fast enough, thanks.

This month, it’s as simple as lipstick. I love lipstick. I love the texture. I love the smell. I love the taste. I love the way you have to concentrate while you apply it. I love that you have to sort of kiss yourself to get it nice and even. I love that when you kiss someone else, you leave behind a mark– a memory.

So far, it’s been going well. There’s a small group of fellow lipstick wearers on Google+ and I’ve been trying to regularly update with pictures and little things like that to keep it going and to keep it fun. I remind myself every time I’m going to step outside to stop and reapply.

And so far, it’s been making a difference. There’s this brief little happy flutter when I smack my lips and blow a kiss to the mirror. I can’t help but manage a small smile.

That’s not pathetic. Right?

* * * * I gave it 4 out of 5 stars which on Goodreads indicates “Really Liked It”. On the whole emotional reaction side, I’d mark this one as / because it’s pretty fun but does have it’s “Aw that sucks” moments.

This is my first John le Carre novel. And I don’t think it’s going to be my last. I’m not going to go le Carre crazy but I’m curious about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: A George Smiley Novel because George Smiley was a very minor character in The Spy Who Came in From the Cold but just the tiny bit they threw in about him made me interested. And I hear there’s a movie? I won’t watch it but I do like to read the books that get the Hollyood touch.

One thing I have to say is this is a spy novel, not a mystery novel and I feel that’s important to differentiate. I was often confused reading this book, and flipped back looking for this or that here and there trying to figure out just what the heck Leamas was up to or what Control was thinking. But for me, that’s fun. At least when I’m reading a spy novel. I feel like I should be clueless. And I feel like I should have a bad feeling about this or that or the other only to be proven wrong then right then wrong then right again. Sometimes, I did feel like I was very much not “in” on a lot of what was going on but isn’t that the point of the spying experience? At least as far as Leamas, the main character, is concerned.

If you’re looking for a small and entertaining book that is also executed well and written nicely, this is definitely worth a library request. There’s nothing overly heavy in here which after some of the intense reading I was doing at the end of the year was much needed for me.

Right now, I’m reading I, Claudius From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius Born 10 B.C. Murdered and Deified A.D. 54 another one I got from Robert and one I’m enjoying muchly.  What are you reading? Finish anything recently you particularly enjoyed?