Preface: This post isn’t coming from my usual point of view. It doesn’t come from the state of mind I’ve been in the past several months that has been secure and stable and forging ahead. I’m not really sure how it’ll end up or where I’ll go with it, I just know I have to write it.
“I guess life was going a little too well for us, we were just a little too happy, huh?” I said to Boyfriend last night after I’d spent several minutes pulling on my hair, blinking back tears, pressing my temples and exclaiming, “I don’t know what I’m going to do” in no less than 25 different ways, tones, etc.
I got some news yesterday that sucked the wind out of me and replaced it with an anxious and restless mini cyclone.
On Thursday, I got an AOL instant message from the kids’ dad letting me know his phone was not working, it was just going straight to voicemail, and he wanted to know where to drop the kids off that day. I told him at my Mom’s and he said he’d be there at one. I said ok and went back to my crazy busy day.
Yesterday I got a text message letting me know this was his new phone number.
And that’s when a cold feeling pricked under the surface of my skin head to toe. I asked why he had a new number. He explained he now had an iPhone and no more Blackberry. I followed up asking if Company had made him change his number or… was he no longer with the company?
“Left the company. Doing my own thing now.”
He went on to explain he hated the place since they put new management into place. He hadn’t told me because he had just resigned on Wednesday and they didn’t honor his notice. He ignored my texts about child support. I let him know my job was on the line and he responded with an expletive and wondering if I’d been looking. I explained I hadn’t been because I had a plan that would let me go back to school and have the child support cover the kids as well as his insurance cover them temporarily. He ignored that and asked where he could pick up the kids. I told him at my house as I’d taken the day off to spend a day of their vacation with them.
And so it was that the man whose almost paid off Chrysler was repossessed in December (affecting my credit, as I was the co-signer) pulled up to my house a few hours later in a brand new Infinity SUV. He didn’t talk about anything at all. He never told me not to worry, the child support would be there. Nothing.
And now I’m left wondering what on earth to do. I’m back to where I was over a year ago. My paycheck covers monthly bills. That’s it. It covers the rent and the electric and the car payment and the car insurance and the water and the internet and the cell phone and loan payments. I live really lean as far as these things go. I could cut the internet if I kept my job, but if I lose my job, I need the internet.
The worse feeling in the world is a lose-lose situation and I feel like that’s where I am right now.
If I keep my job, I can’t really get a second job as it doesn’t really accommodate one. If I keep my job, I have to pay for summer camp. If I don’t keep my job, I only have one month of expenses in place and now that child support will essentially disappear, I have no way to save up one more month’s worth in the next couple of months as I had planned. I am also pretty sure I won’t be able to get enough financial aid to support myself and my kids while I plowed through what would remain for my Computer Science degree.
My parents have already come forward offering their assistance. I hate that. I hate that their 32 year old daughter is incapable of supporting herself and her children.
And I can’t help it, there is a little voice inside of me saying, “Well of course not, you’re just a little woman.”
Shut the hell up stupid voice.
I am so angry that I am in this position. Again.
I am so angry that someone with my brains and with my work ethic and with my dedication and with my attitude can’t care for her family alone. I make $45,000 a year. There you go. I don’t care if you know or if you don’t. That’s what I make. And I can’t take care of myself and three kids. And it’s not because of a lack of restraint and responsibility. I cut, and I cut, and I cut.
I was so excited about the summer. I told the kids we’d go to Disney and Universal for their birthdays. I’d planned the most affordable way– go in the low season in July or August, stay the minimum number of nights, and only do one park, one day each.
And it’s gone. And it hurts. They’ve been so excited you guys. They’ve been looking forward to that so much and why shouldn’t they? They don’t ask me for much, you know? They don’t make demands of me for new this, that, and the other. My Daughter’s school sneakers are falling apart and she doesn’t freak out demanding I get her a new pair. My Eldest mentioned the other day his school shoes were pinching at him. He got a Nintendo DS3 game by accident. He didn’t demand I buy him the Nintendo DS3. He was going to trade the game away for an old Nintendo DS game. I haven’t paid them an allowance in eons.
And this one little thing. This one thing that Baby asked for almost every single day for three months until finally I told them that yes, yes we could go– this summer, for their birthdays. And now…
These are the magical years. These are the years where something like a quick trip to Disney and Universal means so much for them.
And summer camp. They are so excited about summer camp. How on earth am I going to pay for Summer Camp? If I lose my job, ok at least I can spin it that we can spend the summer together and we can do lots of free things to keep it fun. But what if I’m lucky enough to not be laid off? How can I pay for Summer Camp? We need to eat. We need gas in the car to move us.
I know that there are answers. I know that there are solutions. I just can’t see them right now. I can’t see them because it’s dark inside.
I am so angry that this idiot of a man still affects my life. Do you see what I mean when I tell you divorce is forever when children are involved? Just when you think you’re done scraping what’s left of the yuckiness off of you, you get a whole new shitstorm sprayed all over you.
I knew this would happen. I did. I know this man is not dependable. I know this man is selfish. I know this man does not truly grasp he has three children he is responsible for. I know this. But I honestly thought I had a couple of years left. I thought his need to keep up with the Joneses would keep him employed long enough for me to get “there”.
Unfortunately it seems he is getting assistance in keeping up with the Joneses as evidenced by the Infinity. Where the hell did that car come from? Seriously. His car was just repoed. His parents have never been able to help him financially a day in his adult life. The rich girlfriend? I guess. And maybe she’s able to maintain appearances so he can “do his own thing.”
For those of you newer to the blog, the reason I know this means child support will disappear is because I’ve been in this predicament before with this man. The only reason child support was coming in steadily was because they were garnishing it from his check. When he was in charge of child support, it never came. And when it did come, it was crumbs.
I feel sick. I’d better get off here and do some cleaning. It’s what I do when I’m stressed out and frustrated and feeling hopeless. I don’t know why and I don’t really care to understand. I just know that I’m looking around my house and am itching to scrub and shine and throw away and straighten.
Sorry about the unloading. I’ll be ok, I know it. Just maybe send me some positive juju if you get a moment. I know lots of people need it way more than I do, but I’m ok with leftovers.