Monthly Archives: April 2012

Weekend!

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Well it’s time for the weekend. I’m so ready. It’s going to be packed to the gills with stuff, especially Saturday, but I am so ready for it. Some Fridays are more festive than others and this one is one of those.

I got my test back yesterday. Another 100 for me! So that’s it for classes, our final is next Friday. I’m very excited to be closing this class with a 97, a 90, and two 100′s on tests. Seriously, that blows my mind. I’m wondering, “Who am I?” but in a really good way.

I can’t believe April is ending. May is coming and I feel like there should be some doomsday music to accompany that…

Yeah that’s perfect.

I did some more work on my mom’s crocheted afghan last night. I’ve begun the second of three repeats. I never thought I’d get here! But I’m not super excited about it or anything, that’s not even halfway. But still, it’s progress.

OK want to laugh? Watch this and know that the guy driving is a male version of me. Woooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Yup. Guilty.

It’s literally true heehee.

Ok that’s enough silliness for today. This post was pure fluff, so sorry. By the way, I’ve decided that I love my hair the way I got it cut. I was on the fence for a while but now I just dig it. I look so different than what I’m used to and I LOVE it.

Be safe this weekend, have fun, and I’ll see you on the flipside!

Besotes!

Brain Dump: Self-Conversation

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Feeling a little chatty so I thought I’d pop on here and whip up a quick post since this blog is pretty much my way of talking to myself but super elaborate and the voices that respond are not of my own creation (I don’t think).

We got letters from the President of the University and the Dean of the Med School yesterday. There’s also stories in the local paper. Big cuts are coming in May. They won’t speculate a number but the rumor mill says 10% to start. That’s about 900 – 1000 people. Unfortunately the focus will be on administrative positions and unfunded research. The latter doesn’t apply to me but the former does. They’re looking for redundancies. My position could arguably go either way depending on who’s looking at it an how.

Honestly? I’m fine. Yes I’m a little nervous. But mostly, I’m really ok. I’ve had the belt tight on spending to help keep bolstering savings. It’ll stay that way. I should get the last steady payment of child support this Saturday.

Some people feel I’m jumping the gun on that one because the ex hasn’t outright told me he’s not going to be paying me, but that’s his style. He doesn’t warn you of anything, he just does or doesn’t do something. He has told me that yes he saw the website he needs to pay at and it looks super easy, no problem. Of course that doesn’t mean diddly squat. So I’m saving and saving and saving.

I can’t seem to get back into tracking spending. Funny enough, I’m spending less though. At least, I have more money left in my accounts than usual.

Summer Camp costs are up. This has me a bit conflicted. It’s more than I have currently saved up but if there was no change in child support, I’d be fine by June which is how I planned it. Everything is such a toss-up. I can freak out about it or I can not. Thinking about it makes me want to freak out a little bit because so many unknowns are so overwhelming.

School’s almost over. Last test before the final was yesterday. I think I did ok again. Felt good at least, familiar. We review tomorrow and that’s it, class is over. The final is next Friday. I want to care about it but I’m burnt out right now. We had two tests in less than three weeks and it was overwhelming.

We have a busy weekend coming up. But a lot of it is cheap and/or free entertainment so I’m excited. We’ve got a couple of birthday parties and we’ve got a baseball game that we got $1 tickets for through a family event the university did. Even includes free food. Oh and the local theater is having a free showing of a children’s musical too. They offered it to everyone on their mailing list and I snagged us seats.

It’s so weird how events happen in clusters. No birthday parties for ages and then you get like six in a row. My family’s huge birthday season is summer. I end it in the middle of August and then we get the holidays.

I’m really happy with the response the handmade PIF got. If you’d like in, two of my recipients have posted it on their blogs and need takers. So go check out A Windy City Gal OR Momma and the Misters and snag one of their spots and then keep spreading the love!

It’s time to go. See you later alligators!

Pay it Forward Handmade

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Image

Rhyming events, rhyming events, rhyming events. You just keep coming don’t you?

The other day I was reminiscing about the Coloriffic Swap Jek used to host that I used to play on. They were SO much fun. Then just a few days later Carla put up a survey about a swap she was thinking of hosting and it included something handmade. Lately I’ve been considering making a little hair accessory and giving it away on the blog in honor of the De-Frumpiness Project and to show my gratitude to you lovely people. Today I was bemoaning to a friend that I missed being creative. Just a couple minutes later I found the Pay it Forward Handmade meme on Suddenexpression’s blog.

I am still working on my mom’s afghan but it’s not a little project I can tote around with me. This meme gives me a good reason to have small projects. SO, here are the rules!

1. I will send a surprise gift to the first three commenters on this post. The gift will be handmade by me. It will be sent sometime in the next 365 days. It will be a surprise what you get, when you get it. I will give you no warning whatsoever. 

2. To sign up and receive a gift, you must play along, too. Pay it Forward on your blog, by promising to make a surprise for the first three people who comment on the post.

3. You must have a blog (that is updated, as I will blog stalk you to find the right gift for you).

4. After commenting here, you must repost this or something similar to your blog in 48 hours. If not, I will chose the next person who comments…

So there you go. If you do it, know that it can be anything handmade. Anything at all. Collages, photos, poems, purses, paintings, jewelry, whatever. I’m also leaving this worldwide. I figure there is something about this time of year that makes people adventurous and creative and you’re not bogged down with the holidays or anything like that. I hope you’ll play!

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

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Before anything else,

Thank you from the bottom of my mutant heart

Thank you so much for your words of support and sympathy and encouragement and confidence. I can’t explain how, but please know they are so so so helpful and I read each and every one more than once and I want to hug each and every one of you, I really do.

I’ve talked before about rhyming events– little things that pop up everywhere that shouldn’t be connected but they are. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of things about inner monologues, the way we treat ourselves, the lies we tell ourselves.

In January, I decided to take on a lie I’ve been telling myself since middle school– I’m not a math person. As I have grown older and more comfortable in my own skin and with my own brain, I’ve started to wonder if maybe I’m kind of a math person. Or at the very least, maybe I’m not really that bad at math. So I did the only logical thing I could think of and enrolled in Pre-Calculus I. Sure, it had been 13 years since I’d sat in a math class but whatever– if I was going to do this, I was going to freaking do this and all I had to do was pass.

Next Thursday is the last day of class and my final is on May 4. I’ve had three tests so far and my lowest grade was a 90 while my highest grade was a 100. I do the homework (most of it) and have done every single extra credit assignment. In other words, it looks like I have an A average. In Pre-Calculus. Not a math person? Um… about that…

This experience is rattling me– in good ways and in anxious ways. Because as exciting as it is to understand that there is this whole new world slowly opening itself up to me, it’s sort of frustrating to know I’m the one that slammed the damn thing shut in the first place.

And then, I can’t help but wonder– What else am I lying to myself about and why?

I hate crying. Do I really? I cry for so many things and I get mad when I do but why? Maybe I don’t hate crying. Crying can feel really good. Quite honestly, there are many times where I am craving a good wracking sob. So maybe what I hate is that I love to cry. But why? I get mad at my kids when they cry too and I honestly can’t explain it. Why? What’s the harm in crying? If I can’t explain it for myself, why am I projecting this onto the kids too? Why does it get me so angry?

I’m tough as nails. Not really. I’m actually pretty thin-skinned. I hate criticism. I hate feeling as if I’ve hurt anyone or let anyone done. I am freaking mushy you guys. I love hugs and kisses and silly signs of affection. I adore love songs– the good old ones that are full of this innocent sentimentality that just doesn’t exist in modern culture. Apparently I somehow equated being tough as nails with resiliency. Am I resilient? Oh heck yes. Tough? Um, no.

I’m not good at being a mom. Why does this even come into my brain? I’m not Perfect Mommy because that doesn’t exist. The fact is, I am constantly thinking about my children. I am constantly considering what is good for them and what can be better. I try and be in the moment as much as possible, keeping my expectations in line with what is reasonable for each child. I do things to put small smiles on their faces. I hurt when they hurt. I discipline them when they’ve done something wrong. I am a good mom because that’s what good moms do.

“I can’t take care of myself and my three kids.”

Sound familiar? This one’s fresh in my brain and the fact is– it’s just not true. Yes I can and yes I will. Do I have a plan in place? Not yet, not really. But the bottom line is that I don’t have any choice in the matter. We have to get through. We have to survive and we have to thrive and we have to do it together. We are the family unit when push comes to shove. More proof contrary to my popular belief that I’m not a good mom. Yes I am, because the fact is I have been the one who has done the majority of the providing and supporting of my children for years now. And the fact is I will continue to do so for many, many years until my death if I need to.

Confronting our inner lies is a weird experience. It’s especially confusing when we understand we are in fact dealing with something that is not true and yet we continue to cling to it, seeking supportive evidence. Some lies are easier to break than others. For me, the math one was surprisingly easy to break– at least temporarily. I still have moments of frustration when I don’t get a mathematical concept right away. I immediately begin to doubt myself but then again, I have something concrete to look at that shuts me up– my grades. Not all of life’s lies are that tangible.

I honestly don’t know that we can erase all inner lies from our inner lives. If we could, I would expect we would be Perfect and that doesn’t exist. But I do believe it’s important to wrestle with as many of them as possible because they really are problematic. And if we can’t eliminate, can we at least slow down the flow?

Honestly, think about it. How many times in an hour do we proclaim ourselves “stupid” or “an idiot” or just plain “dumb”? How many times do we “Duh” ourselves? And why? What the heck does it do for us? Does it make the mistake we made go away? Does it teach us a lesson? Does it help us move on?

No. It’s just an automatic response as ingrained in our social mannerisms as “How are you?”. And while it may seem harmless because it is automatic, that doesn’t fly and we know it. Some times, we are most dangerous on auto-pilot– to others and yes, to ourselves too.

I cannot tell you how many times I have completely berated myself about my looks. You probably have an idea considering my De-Frumpiness Project and as I move through the project, that is changing too and it’s also helping me confront that other lie– “I’m not pretty.” How many of us have some version of this? How many of us will concede something like, “Well I’m not hideous, I mean I’m kinda cute I think, but I’m not hot or anything.” I know I’m not alone on that one because I’ve heard the very thing out of the mouths of others– not just myself.

I think these are the lies that are the hardest, if not impossible to banish from our inner monologues– the subjective ones. Unfortunately most things in life are subjective. So why do I seem to default to the negative view on things regarding myself? How do we change that?

I don’t know, which is why I’m here. The only thing I can think of is raising awareness. If we are to become more aware of the thoughts that are swimming in our heads and begin to question their purpose, maybe we can make a dent in breaking them down. I like to think of them as cancer thoughts. They don’t really belong there but there they are and they can accumulate at remarkable speeds causing damage across several levels. And perhaps the self-examination process is the equivalent of a mental chemotherapy.

It is exhausting to self-examine isn’t it? It can even make you sick as you peel away at so many layers that have accumulated over time and that may even have thickened because we didn’t take care of ourselves very well emotionally.

It’s hard to step back and realize a lot of this damage is our own doing. The flip side, of course, is that just as we caused the majority of the damage, with a little assistance from others, we can repair the damage, with a little assistance from others. Or at least, that’s what I’m choosing to believe.

Doubt is not something that is going to help me in any way during the next few months. As a matter of fact, doubt is not something that is going to help me at all in this lifetime.

But right now, I’m in a Critical state and I need to get myself in line with a positive attitude. I need to get rid of things that obscure my vision because I need to see as many options as possible. I need to summon up skills I have readily relied on my entire life and nourish new ones (or newly discovered ones).

The bottom line is, I really want that which is best for me, all of me. And I am really ready to work at that– to cut through all of my own tangled webs and get to the core of things, strengthen it, and move along.

In other words, I am ready to

 

Project: Get Through This

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Preface: This post isn’t coming from my usual point of view. It doesn’t come from the state of mind I’ve been in the past several months that has been secure and stable and forging ahead. I’m not really sure how it’ll end up or where I’ll go with it, I just know I have to write it.

“I guess life was going a little too well for us, we were just a little too happy, huh?” I said to Boyfriend last night after I’d spent several minutes pulling on my hair, blinking back tears, pressing my temples and exclaiming, “I don’t know what I’m going to do” in no less than 25 different ways, tones, etc.

I got some news yesterday that sucked the wind out of me and replaced it with an anxious and restless mini cyclone.

On Thursday, I got an AOL instant message from the kids’ dad letting me know his phone was not working, it was just going straight to voicemail, and he wanted to know where to drop the kids off that day. I told him at my Mom’s and he said he’d be there at one. I said ok and went back to my crazy busy day.

Yesterday I got a text message letting me know this was his new phone number.

And that’s when a cold feeling pricked under the surface of my skin head to toe. I asked why he had a new number. He explained he now had an iPhone and no more Blackberry. I followed up asking if Company had made him change his number or… was he no longer with the company?

No answer.

“Hello?”

“Left the company. Doing my own thing now.”

He went on to explain he hated the place since they put new management into place. He hadn’t told me because he had just resigned on Wednesday and they didn’t honor his notice. He ignored my texts about child support. I let him know my job was on the line and he responded with an expletive and wondering if I’d been looking. I explained I hadn’t been because I had a plan that would let me go back to school and have the child support cover the kids as well as his insurance cover them temporarily. He ignored that and asked where he could pick up the kids. I told him at my house as I’d taken the day off to spend a day of their vacation with them.

And so it was that the man whose almost paid off Chrysler was repossessed in December (affecting my credit, as I was the co-signer) pulled up to my house a few hours later in a brand new Infinity SUV. He didn’t talk about anything at all. He never told me not to worry, the child support would be there. Nothing.

And now I’m left wondering what on earth to do. I’m back to where I was over a year ago. My paycheck covers monthly bills. That’s it. It covers the rent and the electric and the car payment and the car insurance and the water and the internet and the cell phone and loan payments. I live really lean as far as these things go. I could cut the internet if I kept my job, but if I lose my job, I need the internet.

The worse feeling in the world is a lose-lose situation and I feel like that’s where I am right now.

If I keep my job, I can’t really get a second job as it doesn’t really accommodate one. If I keep my job, I have to pay for summer camp. If I don’t keep my job, I only have one month of expenses in place and now that child support will essentially disappear, I have no way to save up one more month’s worth in the next couple of months as I had planned. I am also pretty sure I won’t be able to get enough financial aid to support myself and my kids while I plowed through what would remain for my Computer Science degree.

My parents have already come forward offering their assistance. I hate that. I hate that their 32 year old daughter is incapable of supporting herself and her children.

And I can’t help it, there is a little voice inside of me saying, “Well of course not, you’re just a little woman.”

Shut the hell up stupid voice.

I am so angry that I am in this position. Again.

I am so angry that someone with my brains and with my work ethic and with my dedication and with my attitude can’t care for her family alone. I make $45,000 a year. There you go. I don’t care if you know or if you don’t. That’s what I make. And I can’t take care of myself and three kids. And it’s not because of a lack of restraint and responsibility. I cut, and I cut, and I cut.

I was so excited about the summer. I told the kids we’d go to Disney and Universal for their birthdays. I’d planned the most affordable way– go in the low season in July or August, stay the minimum number of nights, and only do one park, one day each.

And it’s gone. And it hurts. They’ve been so excited you guys. They’ve been looking forward to that so much and why shouldn’t they? They don’t ask me for much, you know? They don’t make demands of me for new this, that, and the other. My Daughter’s school sneakers are falling apart  and she doesn’t freak out demanding I get her a new pair. My Eldest mentioned the other day his school shoes were pinching at him. He got a Nintendo DS3 game by accident. He didn’t demand I buy him the Nintendo DS3. He was going to trade the game away for an old Nintendo DS game. I haven’t paid them an allowance in eons.

And this one little thing. This one thing that Baby asked for almost every single day for three months until finally I told them that yes, yes we could go– this summer, for their birthdays. And now…

These are the magical years. These are the years where something like a quick trip to Disney and Universal means so much for them.

And summer camp. They are so excited about summer camp. How on earth am I going to pay for Summer Camp? If I lose my job, ok at least I can spin it that we can spend the summer together and we can do lots of free things to keep it fun. But what if I’m lucky enough to not be laid off? How can I pay for Summer Camp? We need to eat. We need gas in the car to move us.

I know that there are answers. I know that there are solutions. I just can’t see them right now. I can’t see them because it’s dark inside.

I am so angry that this idiot of a man still affects my life. Do you see what I mean when I tell you divorce is forever when children are involved? Just when you think you’re done scraping what’s left of the yuckiness off of you, you get a whole new shitstorm sprayed all over you.

I knew this would happen. I did. I know this man is not dependable. I know this man is selfish. I know this man does not truly grasp he has three children he is responsible for. I know this. But I honestly thought I had a couple of years left. I thought his need to keep up with the Joneses would keep him employed long enough for me to get “there”.

Unfortunately it seems he is getting assistance in keeping up with the Joneses as evidenced by the Infinity. Where the hell did that car come from? Seriously. His car was just repoed. His parents have never been able to help him financially a day in his adult life. The rich girlfriend? I guess. And maybe she’s able to maintain appearances so he can “do his own thing.”

For those of you newer to the blog, the reason I know this means child support will disappear is because I’ve been in this predicament before with this man. The only reason child support was coming in steadily was because they were garnishing it from his check. When he was in charge of child support, it never came. And when it did come, it was crumbs.

I feel sick. I’d better get off here and do some cleaning. It’s what I do when I’m stressed out and frustrated and feeling hopeless. I don’t know why and I don’t really care to understand. I just know that I’m looking around my house and am itching to scrub and shine and throw away and straighten.

Sorry about the unloading. I’ll be ok, I know it. Just maybe send me some positive juju if you get a moment. I know lots of people need it way more than I do, but I’m ok with leftovers.

Mutant Supermodel gets Hair-larious

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You should know that just now I was at my standing desk dancing to M.I.A.’s Paper Planes (Diplo Street Mix) and because I’m behind my desk I had kicked off my heels and because I was dancing I tripped on them and because my chair was directly behind me I collapsed straight into it. That’s totally chuckle-worthy right?

It’s Friday. It’s Friday and I had such a horribly stressed out day yesterday that I am forcing myself to let go and relax and be silly and lite and total fluff. I’m not even going to be mysterious. I’ll just come right out and tell you that yesterday sucked because the people I work with in Office #2 filled me with complete panic about my job security. The university’s medical school has been adversely affected by the calamity that has beset our city’s one and only public hospital with which we are closely affiliated with. This is of course trickling up and per the rumor mill the administrative jobs are under close scrutiny. Some people insist that doesn’t include mine and some people insist it does include mine and yesterday I was with the second group and though I’m not proud to admit it, they totally got to me.

Now after having several hours away from that atmosphere I’m not so panicked anymore and am more in my original attitude towards the whole thing– I do think I am safe because the project I work for is very lucrative, I am the only admin that is fully funded by the project, and I do have something to do with the project’s profitability although how much those in charge would be willing to acknowledge that is not something I can really guess at. If the opposite is true and I am not protected by my project’s profitability, then it’s true– I am the most likely to go because of lots and lots of reasons. And even though that sort of makes me sad, it’s not really fazing me. It’s just a sign that something in my logic, something in my plans, isn’t right and I have to fix it and this is one way of correcting that.

But back to fluff and stuff right?

On Monday I asked you guys what to De-Frump next and 50% of the voters chose Hair. I’m actually kind of happy about that. My kids go on spring break now so I actually have a week of mornings with more time. I also got a haircut last month and have been enjoying playing with it.

So bring out the hair products and the accessories and put away the scrunchies and banana clips (none of us actually have those right? Ha. Ha.). Let’s figure out how to use these bobby pin things. Let’s look at some hair tutorial videos on YouTube. You can be edgy. You can be feminine. You can be pop. You can be rock. You can curl. You can straighten. You can poof. You can smooth.

If you’d like to play along this month, I’m going to encourage you to share photos. And I am going to give you LOTS of ways to do that ok? So if you do something with your hair you are happy with, send it my way via:

I know a lot of you are camera shy so I figure this might be fun because you can take lots of pictures of hair without showing your face. I know it sounds wrong, but trust me. Have fun with it this month, let’s go a little crazy. Send me photos of hair-related things that inspire you. Send me before and after photos. Send me links to hair tutorials. You know that fantasy that guys have of a bunch of girls at a slumber party doing each others hair in their underwear? Well it’s kind of like that except we’re all on the internet and I’m guessing most of us will be fully dressed but you totally don’t have to be if you don’t want to be.

I’ll kick it off by showing you the collage I put together and took with me to the hairdresser last month for my hair inspiration. That way you can see that before you see how my hairdresser actually did and how I’m wearing it.

Have fun!

How much do you spend on your kids?

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It always amuses me when people with no children ask people with children questions about having children. It amuses because it’s sort of  an exercise in futility and you’ll only understand that once you have kids.

Simply put, there is no way to wrap your head around what life will be like when you have children. Don’t try and argue with it. It doesn’t matter if you teach a daycare. It doesn’t matter if you were the one that raised your younger siblings. It doesn’t matter at all what life has brought you, you will never be the same once you’ve had a child.

This isn’t a bad thing so I don’t know why people sort of panic when you say that. Yes there are certainly circumstances where people lose their sense of identity but we all go through identity crises and most of us go through them at multiple points in our life.

I can’t tell you what it will be like when you have a child. I can’t tell you how things will change. And besides, even if I did sit and list the millions of ways I have changed after having children, you will undoubtedly say “That will never happen to me” regarding all of the not fun stuff.

I was poking around at GRS wondering what the hell happened to JD since his personal blog was alerting me it was an “Attack Site!” with a big red scary banner. I don’t read GRS anymore because I felt the site got stale. I mean seriously how many ways can you talk about investments and cutting expenses and increasing income?

It was whilst poking around I came across the post Ask the Readers: How much do you spend on kids? I like these types of questions because I track my expenses and this sort of question gives my tracking purpose. I should note that because of my divorce, I diligently track my kid-related expenses separately from mine as much as I can.

I was curious about my own spending and looked into it. This year, I have spent $3,000 on my kids. That breaks down to $1000 a month, at roughly $333 each child. I wasn’t sure how I was doing compared to last year so I looked. Last year, I spent $12,331 on my kids so I’m right on track. Now, here’s the thing. This number isn’t a complete picture and it can’t be a complete picture to a certain degree.

Why? It doesn’t include all of my child-related expenses.

What the amount covers

  • Private school registration (My folks help with the tuition)
  • School-related expenses (field trips, yearbook pictures, teachers gift pools, fundraisers, activities, etc.)
  • Extra-curricular activities
  • Summer Camp
  • Clothing
  • Uninsured medical costs
  • Personal care
  • Allowance
  • Gifts

What the amount doesn’t cover

  • Health insurance. My insurance would be free if it was just me but I have children to cover and I pay $222 a month for that plus another $32 for dental.
  • Food. I am not so particular as to try and break out the cost of food for the children from my own but for the purpose of this post, we’ll do some averages. I spent $8200 on food last year. We were a family of four. They are three and I am one. Their portion of that is $6150 ($512.50 a month). Obviously, this is a rough rough number because of portions and food out and all of that but I bet it sort of averages out in the end.
  • Rent. I live in a big house because I have three children. This one is tough for me to adjust because I pay very cheap rent for the type of house I rent. $1500 is the average for many apartments so for me to rent a 3 bedroom house at that price is spectacular. I’m not sure I’d be saving much money if I was on my own especially as I’d probably be living in a more expensive part of town like the beach. Where I would save on housing costs would be in the stuff that goes into houses. I’d have less rooms to furnish for instance and I’d also most likely have lower utilities.
  • Auto. Ok this one I know I can blame on the kids. I hate big cars. I love small cars. I had the cutest most awesome little tiny Mitsubishi and it’s loan was ending the same month Daughter was born. We couldn’t fit in the car with her infant car seat in the back. Well I could but no other adult. No it wasn’t a sports car, it was just a tiny little Mirage. That thing was awesome and would’ve lasted me years. It was stick and had no-frills and I took care of it. But I had to trade it in for something bigger. Larger car = larger car payment + larger insurance payment + larger gas payments. Funny enough, my current car is ending its loan this year and its giving me problems. The car is a 2003 Nissan Murano and apparently the previous owner didn’t do a great job maintaining it because it has a bunch of problems in the engine. And as much as I am pining for something tiny again I know it’s not feasible (I would totally drive a Smart Car or a Prius or a Yaris or whatever else is micro). We are now a family of five with Boyfriend living with us and when his daughter comes to visit, we’re a family of six who don’t fit in the Murano. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m looking at minivans. They don’t retain their value which is great for buyers (me) and they’re roomy which is great for families (us). I am trying to deal with the identity crisis this is bringing on, trust me.

So there you go. This is how much I spend on my kids. And I don’t think the amount spent fluctuates as the ages change, I believe everything sort of evens itself out with certain expenses fitting right in and compensating for the other. Yeah the big ones don’t wear diapers but they wreck their clothes and shoes. They don’t have daycare but they have school and extra-curriculars and summer camps. When they’re babies, they outgrow toys and things quickly but when they’re older their tastes and the tastes of their friends change just as fast.

That being said, I have a feeling this year will see an uptick in how much I’m spending on the kids because I’m receiving consistent child support payments. Last year, I had gone several months in the beginning of the year receiving either very little or nothing at all. We simply went without a lot of things.

One last thing I’d like to say is I’m not arguing the point that having children is expensive. The bottom line is money earned is money spent. What does happen when you have kids is you have way more restrictions on how your money is spent. More of your money is going into resources leaving less of your money free for you to manage as you wish. That is the important thing to think about if you’re thinking about the cost of having kids.

Amounts are pointless. They simply vary way too much by way too many factors. The important thing to consider is how much of your money is allocated to essentials and how much is left over for you to direct as you wish– into accelerated debt repayment, travel, investments, retirement, hobbies, self-improvement, etc. If you are having a very hard time covering the essentials, you are going to be in for a rough ride when children come into your life. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but you’d better be ready to cut expenses and raise income. If you can’t do that, you might want to hold off on children. If you are not having a hard time covering the essentials but you and your partner can’t envision yourselves letting go of a lot of the non-essentials you might want to have a serious talk about children or at least be prepared for a series of identity crises. A lot of those non-essentials are going to disappear. I can’t tell you which ones, I don’t think you can either for what it’s worth, and I can’t tell you how many. For some people, it’s been hardly any. For other people, it’s been practically all of them.

Those are the kinds of things to think about if you’re considering children. Forget amounts, fixed or ranges, and just think about your financially dependent life experiences.

For other parents: Have you ever figured out how much you spend on your kids? Did you notice a pattern in spending increase or decrease with age? I haven’t but my three are in pre-school and elementary so I haven’t experienced the full range of child-rearing yet. How many times do you find yourself thinking, “I would totally spend money on that if I didn’t have kids”?

For non-parents: What’s the biggest thing that freaks you out about having kids? Or are you super gung-ho to have them?

What to De-Frump Next?

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I have to admit, March was pretty fun for the De-Frumpiness Project. I discovered scarves in a really big way and now my eyes keep straying to the scarf section every time I walk into a store– especially at Target. Have you seen the scarves at Target? I bought my goddaughter a gorgeous sunny one for Easter. No, it’s not the one I wanted for myself (and did not get) but it was close! Notice these scarves aren’t the ones I could crochet or knit for myself so they are extra tempting.

I also rediscovered jewelry but I’m sort of stumped on a better way to organize it that doesn’t put my jewelry at-risk for theft. After my whole collection of jewelry was swiped a few years ago, nicely stored in my red jewelry box I might add, I have struggled to find a system that works well for storing my jewelry in a safe way but also encourages me to use the jewelry. Right now all the fake stuff is strewn in a dresser drawer plus tucked into various trinket boxes on my dresser and even shoved into a tea tin in my bathroom. Not to mention all of the little pieces piling up besides the bathroom sink. All the good jewelry is hidden of course.

But now it’s April and I’m once again beginning the month with no idea where to go with April. SO what do YOU guys want to de-frump this month?