I don’t think I’ve been quite the same Mutant I was a few months ago and I’m not exactly sure why or what but there you have it.
I sort of feel like my mind is in a bit of a haze and I’m just bumbling along. No maps, no plans, no worries?
Well not really but yes kind of.
I doubt very highly I’ll be posting again before the year is up so I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a very wonderful New Year. I’ve seen a lot of pain around me this year. I’ve read it in your blogs. I’ve heard it in the stories of my friends and my family. I see it flash by in the news streams. It’s been sort of depressing this year.
I was very optimistic about 2012 and I’m not really sure I still feel that way. I want to be. But… it’s not coming to me.
I want to disconnect as much as possible next week. I think I’ll definitely have a good chance the first two nights we’re in the mountains. I’ll be bringing a journal with me and hopefully I’ll be able to write out what has been meandering beneath the surface. Journaling has always been very good for my heart. I haven’t done as much lately as I used to. And that might be a reason why I’m sort of hazy and foggy. Floating through.
So many people are getting ready for a new year. There are projects and plans, goals and resolutions, lists long and lists short. I want to as well. I know that I do better when I have these things in place. I feel better. I accomplish more. But I’m having a hard time putting thoughts together, following them through, working things out. Little details are tripping me up. Unknowns are fogging up the view.
It’s funny because as much as this time of year is about giving, and it really truly is, it also brings up wantings.
What do you want? What do I want?
“What do I want?” indeed.
I’ve been getting asked that a lot. For Christmas purposes mostly. I ask myself for different purposes.
“I don’t know” is the automatic response. I really don’t.
Because all of the things I do want are silly little things. Baubles and trinkets. Flairs and flounces. Extras. Upgrades.
And that’s good. But it’s also meaningless.
And that’s where I get tripped up. That’s where I get sad. Because if I have everything I want… what’s the point?
I don’t want this to come off selfish or gluttonous. That’s not what I’m trying to say.
I mean to say that my basic wants are satisfied, fully and thoroughly. So that leads me to focus on the more complex wants.
That’s where things get tricky. Confusing. Scary.
Long term thoughts. Long term goals. Long term plans.
Even mid term ones.
The short term ones should come from those but without those…
It’s not that I’m glum, I’m just numb. It’s not a bad thing, or a good thing, it’s just a thing. And I just have to work through it all to come out with something I think will be pretty exciting and great and special for me.
So, whatever your celebration of choice may be, may you have a lovely one. May your year end peacefully and blissfully. May your year begin positively and steadily. I’ll see you all very soon.