Monthly Archives: December 2011

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

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I don’t think I’ve been quite the same Mutant I was a few months ago and I’m not exactly sure why or what but there you have it.

I sort of feel like my mind is in a bit of a haze and I’m just bumbling along. No maps, no plans, no worries?

Well not really but yes kind of.

I doubt very highly I’ll be posting again before the year is up so I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a very wonderful New Year. I’ve seen a lot of pain around me this year. I’ve read it in your blogs. I’ve heard it in the stories of my friends and my family. I see it flash by in the news streams. It’s been sort of depressing this year.

I was very optimistic about 2012 and I’m not really sure I still feel that way. I want to be. But… it’s not coming to me.

I want to disconnect as much as possible next week. I think I’ll definitely have a good chance the first two nights we’re in the mountains.  I’ll be bringing a journal with me and hopefully I’ll be able to write out what has been meandering beneath the surface. Journaling has always been very good for my heart. I haven’t done as much lately as I used to. And that might be a reason why I’m sort of hazy and foggy. Floating through.

So many people are getting ready for a new year. There are projects and plans, goals and resolutions, lists long and lists short. I want to as well. I know that I do better when I have these things in place. I feel better. I accomplish more. But I’m having a hard time putting thoughts together, following them through, working things out. Little details are tripping me up. Unknowns are fogging up the view.

It’s funny because as much as this time of year is about giving, and it really truly is, it also brings up wantings.

What do you want? What do I want?

“What do I want?” indeed.

I’ve been getting asked that a lot. For Christmas purposes mostly. I ask myself for different purposes.

“I don’t know” is the automatic response. I really don’t.

Because all of the things I do want are silly little things. Baubles and trinkets. Flairs and flounces. Extras. Upgrades.

And that’s good. But it’s also meaningless.

And that’s where I get tripped up. That’s where I get sad. Because if I have everything I want… what’s the point?

I don’t want this to come off selfish or gluttonous. That’s not what I’m trying to say.

I mean to say that my basic wants are satisfied, fully and thoroughly. So that leads me to focus on the more complex wants.

That’s where things get tricky. Confusing. Scary.

Long term thoughts. Long term goals. Long term plans.

Even mid term ones.

The short term ones should come from those but without those…

It’s not that I’m glum, I’m just numb. It’s not a bad thing, or a good thing, it’s just a thing. And I just have to work through it all to come out with something I think will be pretty exciting and great and special for me.

So, whatever your celebration of choice may be, may you have a lovely one. May your year end peacefully and blissfully. May your year begin positively and steadily. I’ll see you all very soon.

More than halfway through

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Well, that’s a wrap! School is out until 2012. Of course it ended with a bang.

Daughter had a fever at school, came home, puked on the porch, and kept nursing a low-grade fever. And Eldest came home and struck up his own slight fever. This morning neither had fever, Daughter was bouncing all over the walls ready to go, and Eldest was lethargic and didn’t want to do anything.

So he stayed with my Abuela and the other two went to their Christmas show and party. Good times. They looked insanely cute.

Then I came to work and I’m so sleepy and so tired. I just want to go home and sleep. Story of my life don’t you know?

I had really wanted to spend some time this month thinking about next year. I wanted to come up with some sort of plan and sub-plans, a lot like what Jacq recently talked about actually. But thinking is apparently not a priority. I’m reading a lot and I started crocheting because we need some winter stuff for the Virginia trip and why buy a ton of stuff if I have a bunch of yarn on-hand anyways?

So my nights remain filled with brainless work and the world keeps whirling by and the days keep evaporating. Nine bloody days until Christmas. Ten until I pack in the car with my three children and my two parents. Fifteen more days of 2011ness to get through.

And then?

Well it starts over at the same time it starts anew. Same shit, different year?

God I hope not.

I am not a fan of more of the same, please. I’m not the person who ever orders The Usual. But really how much change is too much change? Some stability, some sameness is saneness too. I think.

The money stuff? You know, whatever. It is what it is. I’m not going batshit crazy tracking everything and it hasn’t even blown up in my face. Amazing. I update when I can with what I can and to hell with anything and everything else. My bank account isn’t even totally terrifying. It’s not freaking exciting either but it’s not some depressing thing I have to contend with.

I still collect the coupons and I check the lists before venturing out. But again, I’m not going to hold off buying something I need or even really really want because it’s not on sale or because there’s no coupon. I still try to get at least one but I’m not killing myself either when it doesn’t work out that way.

It is what it is.

Like a lot of other stuff too.

I’m reading Rabbit, Run. Believe it or not I haven’t abandoned the dream of 60 books this year even though I’m missing like 7. You never know. The only thing that’s tripping me up is I’m reading a bunch of books about a bunch of dickheads (pardon my French). And next up is Lolita because it’s one of the shortest ones I have.  I’m tempted to give myself some breathing room with a couple of the Rick Riordan books my son has gotten recently that I haven’t read yet but why?

Do it like a band-aid baby.

It is what it is. I’m saying that a lot lately. Still unsure if it’s good or bad.

I think I may have mentioned that the angel that sits on my tree has been in my family since, well 1983 if the year inside her dress is an indicator. She’s really pretty but this year, her lights died. And when we went to change the bulbs, the housing components literally crumbled into dust. So I bought new LED lights (99 cents at CVS). Now I have a vintage angel with a modern touch. It makes me happy I was able to do that for her. For us too. She’s a pretty little thing.

Anyhow, how are you holding up? Are you high on Christmas? Are you having yourself a Grinchmas? Or are you just coasting through, letting it all flow however it may?

 

Alarm Assault

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This morning I was assaulted in my sleep. The sounds from my alarm clock beat at my ears, my skull, my everything. It hurt waking up. So much so that as I sat up in bed and ripped open a giant yawn, I was met with a clanking chorus of cracking bones starting in my jaw and ricocheting all the way down through my hips.

There are so many ways to wake up. Usually I find myself embattled with a bed and sheets that have turned into a mess of molasses. It takes every ounce to pull myself upward and outward. Although rare, there have been occasions where it is as if I was ready for the alarm. And I wake up smartly, albeit somewhat reluctantly. “Of course my alarm is going off,” I think as I pop open my eyes. “It’s time to wake up!” And simple as that, I’m up and efficient and moving decisively, precisely.

But not today. And not yesterday. Not in a long time really. This morning, though, was the worst kind because there’s no way around it, I woke up pretty angry and frustrated. I tried to shake it loose. I tried to drown it in coffee. I tried to shift into the efficient pattern I’ve recently developed.

But I wasn’t having it.

More importantly, neither were the kids.

Wednesday mornings are the worst.

At some point in the hazy early morning as the sleep fog lifts from their heads, they realize it’s Wednesday. They realize it’s the day they go with Daddy.

For my Eldest, it’s no problem. He looks forward to it. He likes the fact there’s a television in their bedroom. He likes to see his Dad.

Not so much the younger two. They hate Wednesdays and they let me know it.

Daughter nibbled at her toast and sipped at her egg nog for forty-five minutes this morning. She didn’t even finish but I had to put an end to it. Baby followed in her footsteps, poking at his toast for about forty minutes.

Baby lost his shoe. Everyone was in la la land. And I was angry and frustrated and angry that I was angry.

After all, this is my fault isn’t it?

If I was better prepared, this kind of lunacy wouldn’t happen in the mornings. If I made sure all of the uniforms were laid out, right down to their shoes, the night before, there wouldn’t be any surprises. If the PE bags were packed and the ballet bag was ready…

But it’s not my habit. Recently I just got into the knack of prepping the lunches the night before. Now I have to throw this into the mix too.

And I’m already staying up way too late wrapping presents, addressing cards, folding laundry, putting away dishes, preparing the lunches, trying to remember if anything is needed the next day, picking up stray and random items, trying to keep a lid on the chaos. And watching TV.

The TV thing can’t be helped. The Boyfriend is a TV Fiend. He is kind enough to put off clicking it on until the kids are tucked away in bed but click it on he does. And I manage to get sucked in over and over again into all of these crime dramas that are breeding like rabbits. I get lured into the sitcoms because I’m desperate for a chuckle.

Of course, I watch it while doing the things I need to be doing but I know it slows me down. I know I’d finish a lot faster if it wasn’t on. I know I’d probably even put off doing some things in favor of a good night’s sleep. But I need to find out if they find the kid on time, or if they save the school bus, or how the killer is connected to the victim, or exactly how he met their mother. And then the evening news comes roaring on and I am shocked.

“What!? The news!? But that means it’s ELEVEN. How in the Underworld is it ELEVEN already!? I haven’t even showered. And by the love of Zeus, I have been so sleep-deprived, I swore I was going to get eight hours this time, I swore it. But now I can’t because it’s already ELEVEN and I have to be up at SIX and there is still STUFF TO DO. And Oh my god what is wrong with this world? How does somebody do something so horrible as that? It’s ELEVEN FIFTEEN. And I’m still here not showering, watching the world burn instead.”

This time of year.

It’s so difficult. There is so much to do, to think about, to stay on top of, to plan for. There are Christmas shows and Secret Santas. There are Christmas cards and holiday parties. There are big gifts and little gifts and medium gifts.

And this year, there’s a road trip to Virginia right at the end of it all nagging at me, taunting me, reminding me, “You’re not prepared for a Virginia winter, not even close.”

The only consolation is that despite the fact I feel completely overwhelmed, busy, and even frantic, I feel like I’m ahead of the curve.

I have presents wrapped under the tree. A lot! My list is practically complete. I sent out my first batch of cards this morning. I’ve even begun to prepare for Virginia with a couple of purchases here and there, rummaging through closets, and pulling things my mother had kept with my grandmother that were ours from that time in our lives we were in North Carolina a lot, or so it seemed.

The days keep hurtling past and somehow I’ve been ready for them. By the skin of my teeth, it’s felt like, but at least nothing has gone forgotten. Not that I’m aware of. Check, check, and check have filled my lists. The problem is, the list keeps growing.

What about you? Crazy? Calm? Brisk? What’s in your future this holiday season? Tell me, does it end?

On Christmas and Books and Crochet

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I figured I’d write a post that has nothing at all to do with money or shopping or anything like that. Mostly because I just need a little break thinking about it all.

Do you remember how I challenged myself to read 60 books this year? Well I’ve been doing pretty well but got derailed a couple of months. Now I have 8 more to go. I used Robert’s list of ranked books at 101 Books to help me put in a slew of requests at the library.  Right now, I’m reading Revolutionary Road. I have 1984 and Naked Lunch at home. The library is gathering together Never Let Me Go, Lolita, Rabbit, Run, Blood Meridian, The French Lieutenant’s Woman, I, Claudius, A Clockwork Orange, and The Spy Who Came In From The Cold. Can you believe I’ve never read these? At least, I don’t remember if I did.

It kinda kills me that I have a Bachelor of Arts in English and have not read so many classic books. My University never offered a great comprehensive course on more modern stuff which was just such a letdown for me. Anyways, I’ll have lots of books to choose from and I have a couple more Rick Riordan books to read as well to help get some fast and easy reads in there. 25 days. 8 books. Should be fun. I just realized my list of books that I’ve read on here needs major updating. I’ll have to put that on my To-Do list for the week.

It’s a really unique experience when I pull into my train station every morning. Coming up from a good read is so much like coming up from a dream-filled sleep. Honestly, that’s what reading is most like to me. Dreaming. I don’t know what everyone else’s experience of reading is like.

I’ve never been good at creating crystal images in my head. I can’t conjure up the perfect Frank and April Wheeler for instance. I just gather up these vague impressions that shift. It’s much the same as my dreaming experiences. Especially the dreams that play out as if they were a movie I was watching. Have you done that? Even in those kinds of dreams, the appearance of some “characters” suddenly change and I don’t skip a beat.

It’s like that for me with books. Characters aren’t static when I read them. They’re not definite either. In one of Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson books, Percy is describing his meeting with Aphrodite. And it’s a struggle for him to describe her because she doesn’t settle into one appearance. She is all of his ideas of beauty swirling together, in and out. That’s my experience when I read books and try and envision characters.

But yeah, folding the corner or placing something in the book to mark the page. I put the book in my purse and look up blinking. I feel so surreal for the first few minutes as I walk to my office. With my brain drifting from the story into the reality. It leaves me feeling somewhat sleepy and sometimes even sad.

I would probably be reading faster but I got back to the crocheted afghan I promised my mother almost a year ago and began months ago. There’s this one row that has been going so slowly and tediously. It’s this beautiful cablesque row but you have to crochet, chain, crochet, turn, crochet, turn, repeat. Again and again across 152 stitches. I’ve been doing it little by little for the past three nights and I’m not done yet. This blanket though is really pretty. And I know that my mother will be very happy to have it and she will be very proud that I made it for her and honestly, there aren’t many times in my life where I’m convinced I’ve made my mom proud but the blanket one is a definite. So there’s a little excited anticipation moving me forward.

I have no delusions about having it ready for Christmas. I just want to have it soon. And I’m not going to crochet anything else until it’s done. The only exception would be a hat for my daughter to replace the butterfly hat because the cat decided the wool was much too tempting to not chew on.

I’m feeling hermitish again. Maybe it’s the time of year. I just want to withdraw into my shell of a home. It’s turning into a Christmas home too which is nice.

I put up our Christmas tree this weekend but when I went to put the angel from 1983 up, she didn’t light up. I love this angel. She’s the one sat on the top of our tree as kids for years. So The Boyfriend and I had the same idea– buy new lights and re-light her. It’s not exactly change the bulbs, I have to unwire her and buy a miniature string– the type they use for wreaths for instance. I’m happy about this prospect though. A vintage Christmas angel with LED lights. I hope my idea works or that at the very least, I figure out a way to make it work.

I have the crazy kind of Christmas tree. The one with the colored lights and the ornaments that have no theme or anything. I like those trees the best. I know there are people who love the Gold and Cream, or the Red and Green, or the Silver and White, or even the Pink, White, and Lime. But for me, everything goes. And every year I take the kids to Target to buy a new ornament to add. It’s had this unforeseen effect of making unwrapping the ornaments a really special experience. The only thing that makes me sad is that I’ve forgotten what ornaments are from what year and that sort of thing. This year when I put them away, I’ll have to pull out the Sharpie and write the info on the bottom of the special ones.

Stories. Memories. Creations. Personalities. All on a tree. There are even photos as the kids make ornaments in school to bring home. I found one of Eldest from four years ago. My heart jumped into my throat as I was jarred by the image. I don’t remember my Eldest looking like that. Was it really just four years ago? His cheeks were so sweet and his smile so funny. A little old man grin on a four year old cherub face. I kept looking from the ornament to him. It’s shocking when it’s unexpected like that. Mystifying.

A new year is mere weeks away. How can it be? And yet, how can it not?

Christmas Shopping: The Update

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I’m trudging. But it’s not a bad thing. I feel like I should clarify because for some reason, trudging has a negative connotation in my mind. Can’t trudging be a good thing some times?

Sorry, back to the point.

My budget? It. Is. Working?

Remember how I wrote about the gift guilt complex? Well, so far I’m handling it pretty well!

I went ahead and wrote out my list with the budgeted amount next to each name. And then I put it in my purse. It is always with me. So if I see something and it reminds me of a certain someone, I can do a quick check on my list and see if it’s in my budget. There are 41 items on my budget, by the way. That’s why the need for a portable list exists in my case.

I’ve completed 28 of the 41. And actually, I’ve gone over budget on several of them.

But I’ve also come under budget on many others. And this is the important part for me. Because I am rewiring the system this year and I’m not even stressing it.

Yes, I love the people on my Christmas list. I really would love to do good things for them and give them lots of great stuff I know they’d enjoy or they need or whatever. I really would because that’s the kind of thing that I enjoy doing.

But I’m getting better to accepting there are limits to generosity because at the end of the day, bills have to get paid. Like the $542 auto repair bill I got this morning. And the rent. And the groceries. And the prescriptions.

I used to think really specific budgets were crappy for me. Now I’m back to wondering if maybe I should re-think this. I’ve been putting time into my 2012 annual budget. Usually I end up tinkering with different months, raising this and lowering that. But this year, I’d like to make it as uniform and seamless as I possibly can. I want to set it up and just let it do its thing.

And believe it or not, part of that is making me consider envelopes. Again. I don’t know. The Christmas thing has worked out well for me but it’s not like I had the funds for each person set aside in envelopes. I just had them written on a sheet of paper. I updated it constantly to show how much I had left for a particular person or how much I blew it by.

I do track my spending on Excel but maybe this is something I need to think about– the visibility factor. The quick check-in. Maybe I need something old skool for my purse? Thoughts?

Oh regarding Tinsel, he’ll meet his demise on December 31st. I made this decision for a few reasons. One, my next influx of money isn’t until December 17 and I fear if I open him up earlier I’ll be too tempted to use him to make ends meet or to buy other people’s presents and then, poof, bye bye Tinsel. Two, I am going on my first actual big road trip with the kids December 26. Again, I’m afraid I’ll be too tempted to use him frivolously on the trip or to supplement trip expenditures.  That’s not the purpose of Tinsel so I’m going to get all Cuban with it. I’ll empty him out on the 31st and treat myself with a gift for Three Kings Day. Plus that means I can start saving up all year again for my very own Treat Yo Self Day (thank you Niki a million times for that one)!

Are you done with your shopping yet? Have you started? Did you start and hit a snag? Did you think about starting and then thought some more? Did you start and are just trudging right through?