Monthly Archives: April 2011

WIP It Real Good

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I crack myself up I tell you. I mean just look at that title! It’s been a long while since I last participated in Tami’s WIP Wednesdays and not because of a lack of crocheting. I figured my comeback required a witty title.

 Hey, did you know Mother’s Day is not this weekend but next weekend? Did you know I had major Mother’s Day gift-making plans? Did you notice the use of the past tense? After Ex finally paid a little bit more of the child support he owed, I scraped aside a piece of it and ordered some yarn for three Mother’s Day gifts and my best friend’s birthday gift. I don’t know if I’ll have the Mother’s Day gifts done by Mother’s Day but I’m going to try really hard. I’ve been working from the stash profusely, and plan on continuing in the tradition, but some projects just need their own yarn. So while I wait for the yarn to come in, I started the one Mother’s Day gift that is being worked from stash yarn, the Hi-Five Towel.

I love it. I want to make myself several of these especially after reading Donna Freedman’s post, “In praise of the rag bag.” In it she mentions how one paper towel roll has lasted her a couple of years (no typo). Well, I thought that was amazing and after my own paper towel ran out, I left it unrefilled, challenging myself to use more rags and towels. So, I’m working on this towel for a gift to an aunt and really wishing it was mine. Look at the pattern! Look at the colors! My kitchen is so beige and boring a brilliant splash of color like this would be awesome. Not to mention it has that awesome texture any good scrubbing fabric requires.

Do you know what else delights me about this project? First of all, it’s easy-peasy. You can crochet this in your sleep, I think. It’s the kind of pattern where you don’t need to count stitches because it is visually obvious where things go. It’s like building blocks– stack, stack, stack. I love patterns like this. Second of all, the hook matches the yarn. I love it when that happens, it’s serendipity!

As for things that aren’t of the yarn variety, you may have noticed the blog looks a bit different. I’ve been paying extra attention to it and jazzing it up where I can. Bear with me as I play some more and please feel free to give me some feedback. Also,  I can assure you I am very much working on devouring these amazing chocolate cupcakes with butterscotch frosting I was up until past midnight last night making. They are amazing. I mean, really, these are the best cupcakes I’ve ever made and possibly ever eaten. The recipe comes from the book, “At Home with Magnolia” and I searched everywhere to see if it was released online but did not find it which makes me sad because I want you to make them too and fulfill your wildest cupcake fantasies. I borrowed the book from the library but will definitely be adding this recipe to my binder of tried and true classics.

What a Weekend: 13, 14, 15, 16, 17/52 Photos

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It was the kind of weekend that grabs you and yanks you right through it at breakneck speed and you’d just better hang on and enjoy the ride and you do except when it’s over you’re suddenly beyond exhausted and at the same time overwhelmed with contentment.

My house is wrecked. It is wrecked in the special way homes are wrecked when a mother is just too tired and gloomy all week to do much of anything and the kids seem to pick up on this so they are extra active, destructive, and defiant but then Friday comes and suddenly the mother decides to do a lot of baking and cooking and then there’s activities all weekend and Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights find everyone not just tired but at that special point of fulfilled collapse.

Friday, I was let out of work early. I stopped and did groceries, went home, and finished reading devouring Bloodfever. I don’t really understand why I’m fascinated with this series because it is some seriously over the top camp but it’s addictive camp (she’s totally in love with a werewolf, isn’t she? NO! DON’T TELL ME!). Then I decided it was time to get in the kitchen and make these Whoopie Pies I’ve been fantasizing about for days. They advise making the cakes a day in advance so I figured if I made them Friday night, Saturday would be the day to make the filling and all would be well in the world. So I made the cakes, but I also was craving something sweet now so I made these cupcakes with this chocolate buttercream frosting (with the almond extract option) while I made dinner—kingclip filets in foil packets served with a side of cheesy garlicky mashed potatoes. At some point during the cooking and the baking, my parents brought the kids over as they’d taken them to the beach that day since the daycare and school were closed. To give you a sense of time, we sat down to eat dinner after nine o’clock. After dinner, I iced the now cooled cupcakes and my kids got to work decorating them with Easter M&M’s. They each ate one and everyone was really tired. Actually, I should note that Baby passed out on the sofa after baths before we got to the cupcakes. We all collapsed in our beds at around 11.

My Dad called me at 8:30, realized I was asleep, and quickly hung up. We all woke up for real about an hour later to the sound of music. I realized the park across the street was doing their annual egg hunt after all. I rounded everyone up, got them all dressed, armed them with shopping bags, and we headed over. We hunted for eggs and my friend found one of the six golden eggs so the kids were really excited about that. After the eggs were gone, they were starting to whine about wanting to eat and wanting to drink and wanting to sit so I took them back home and got them breakfasted. After, I cleaned the kitchen and got to work making the Whoopie Pie filling. The kids tried playing outside again but the heat was scorching. Oh, we dyed eggs. That was an adventure. And I made them bathe. I’m pretty sure they mostly ran around being destructive from the state of the play room. Well, Eldest read Fantastic Mr. Fox but the other two destroyed.

At some point, they ate the Whoopie Pies which were a huge giant mess. Recipe evaluation: Cake recipe is meh. I think I need to try it again and make them flatter. Taste was right but they were too moundy and not very discy. This meant there was a LOT of cake in each bite. The filling was a disaster. It was just melting all over the place. I tried to compensate for the melt factor by putting in not as much filling but that just backfired because of how dense the cakes were. I’d give it 2 out of 4 stars/forks/spoons/mutants. I do want to try it again though. I feel obligated to get Whoopie Pies right although I have no idea why I have this strong urge at all. Cupcakes = Win. Whoopies = Meh.

Later that day, we went to a baseball game. My university sponsored this big Family Night event at the stadium and each employee got a free ticket with hot dog, chips, and soda plus you could buy three more tickets with food at $1 each and a discounted parking pass for only $8. I bought them last month and was so excited even though we got Upper Level seats. In the second inning, a lady approached me and asked if I was with the university (we WERE decked out in school colors) and she had us come with her. They upgraded us big time- Lower level, third row. We could have had a conversation with the first baseman. I’ve never had seats that great to any sporting event. I was actually nervous because we were totally in the line of fire for those line drive fouls they sometimes nail. I was shocked the kids actually sat there the entire time and had a blast. The weather was gorgeous. They had a bunch of activities for the kids like free face-painting and bounce houses and even a salsa concert afterwards. It was a total blast.

 

We got home just before midnight and they went to bed totally amped up. I had to wait for them to sleep. And wait. I quietly filled eggs and then when all had been silent for a while, I checked on them. Asleep. Finally. I brought out the baskets and hid them and then laid out a trail of eggs from each basket to each of their beds—blue eggs for Eldest, pink eggs for Daughter, and yellow eggs for Baby. Baby’s was easily hid, right under a table. For Daughter, it was under a laundry basket but I made her crawl through a tunnel to get to it. For Eldest, it took him at least five minutes to figure out the trail ended at the laundry closet because his basket was in the dryer. I also gave the kids the crocheted toys I made them and they were REALLY happy with those.

Later, their Uncle MuantWino and his lady friend picked them up for a big Easter hunt and party with the lady friend’s family. It seems they are “serious”. They actually live together and they keep trying to mix the families at these sorts of events. It’s weird to me. From there, they went straight to my mom’s house with the kids while I stayed home and after I’d filled eggs for THAT egg hunt, and showered, and dressed, and stared mightily at the destroyed house for very long periods of time, I went to her house too. Daughter had brought the doll I made her and so between the cupcakes and the crochet everyone was trying to come up with some sort of business I could go into. I just drank a superbly delicious rosé (it’s good to have Winos in the family). Everyone had fun playing Marco Polo in the pool (I watched) and hunting for eggs and eating yummy arroz con pollo and desserts like the cupcakes which I brought from the house in a most dangerous and reckless fashion as demonstrated below.

Do NOT Try This at Home

After everyone left, the kids were happily watching TV and I passed out cold on my mom’s couch. I mean, coma-like. I’m pretty sure I was snoring on some level and likely drooled. My mom woke me up to let me know they were going to get their evening coffee and my brother was watching them so I could stay sleeping. But I was awake at that point. Got up, picked up all of the stuff the kids had gotten as presents and stashed it in the car, and got the kiddos into the tub much to their collective chagrin. My mom let me know the oldest two could stay with her since they still don’t have school so it was me and Baby back home. After he passed out, I half-heartedly picked up some of the living room before giving up and joining him in LaLa land.  

I’m happy to have had such a great and crazy weekend. When I have weekends like this, I feel like all is right with the universe. We made so many good memories—specific and general ones. Maybe they’ll remember decorating cupcakes, or dyeing eggs, or eating Whoopie Pies half-naked, or going to a baseball game, or looking for their baskets, or hunting for eggs three times in one day, or that their Mom made them dolls, and maybe they won’t. Maybe all they’ll remember is they sure had a good time when they were kids. And that’s all I care about. I was sorting through all the eggs and the gifts last night and remarked to my friend, “They don’t know how lucky they are.” “Nope,” he said. “They really don’t. But one day, most likely through someone else’s experiences, they’ll probably realize it.” And that made me smile because that’s how it is for me. I have close friends that had some rough childhoods. When we’d sit and talk about what it was like being a kid, I remember feeling confused and guilty because my friends mostly had bad experiences and yet what I mostly remembered from my childhood was that exuberant feeling of innocent joy. I really do remember my childhood that way. If it was a color, it’d be yellow—bright and happy and sunny. Now that I’m older I don’t really feel any sort of confusion or guilt anymore when we compare stories of growing up, but I sure do feel a whole lot of gratitude and an overwhelming desire to pay it forward starting with my kids and hopefully one day finding a way to stretch it outwards from there.

Not much to say

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 Isolated Showers !! 05/52

“Isolated Showers” by K-libre on Flickr

Just… quietly pensive I guess. I can’t seem to muster together complete thoughts so I’ve been Tumbling and crocheting and reading and otherwise just laying low. Not sure why, but it seems a little cloud of funk is following me around. I haven’t even been baking. That might change though, we’ll see how fast I finish this little bunny I’m crocheting. Kids came back yesterday from their paternal grandmother’s house. Tonight, they’re sleeping over at my mom’s. Trying to feel cute and optimistic and fun, but it’s not working very well at the moment. Like yesterday, I wanted to play with them as soon I saw them except they were in the pool and I feel asleep on the couch outside. Then they all got mad at me because they had to come home with me instead of spend the night with my mom. And then just as I was rounding them off into bed, I got slammed with a migraine. MutantWino’s girlfriend’s family is having a big Easter party at the park on Sunday and I’m trying to get excited but I can’t. I can’t even get excited about Easter at my own house. I can’t even get excited about the baseball game we’re going to on Saturday. I just can’t get excited. But yes, I’m here and I’m reading all of you, and I’m posting things on Tumblr because it’s the best mind-numbing device I’ve found in a while.

Friday Link Frenzy

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I’m all over the place today. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

  • Do you Tumble? I opened it a long time ago, abandoned it, and have resurrected it because I kept finding cool stuff online and felt bad swamping my Facebook peeps with links galore. It seems I’ve gotten the hang of it this time and am having much fun playing around with it so please do kill some valuable time and join me!
  • You know how things just stick in your head? This piece called “How to steal like an artist (and 9 other things nobody told me)” is way stuck. I even printed it.
  • Thanks to NicoleandMaggie this version of “Friday” is also stuck in my head in a stubborn way but hey at least today it’s appropriate. I actually have watched it every day since they posted it.
  • I wish I had found this article when I’d first separated. “Help friends help you through divorce” is actually chock full of advice I wish I could’ve passed along so if you’re going through a separation or divorce, I strongly suggest you take a look and email it to your friends and family. You won’t have to say a word, trust me.
  • I loved this op-ed on the potential government shut down. The last sentence nailed it on the head, “Here’s the real reason that professional politicians should do whatever they can to avoid a shutdown: After a few days of living without government, many Americans might just decide they don’t really miss it and could live with a lot less of it.”
  • I absolutely loved this collection of Springtime music for book nerds.
  • Speaking of book nerds, talk about books as art!
  • My favorite post of the week at Get Rich Slowly was April’s post on the research done on Buying Happiness. I also loved the comments. People are just plain adamant about the preciousness of Stuff. I’m just not buying it. I’m not saying Experiences are the end all be all but they seem to be the things that stick most stubbornly to my heart and mind no matter what people say.
  • Speaking of buying happiness: Sharon’s a bit bummed about where all of her money’s gone lately. I’d actually written a HUGE response to her outlining all kinds of ideas and suggestions and positive encouragement but Blogger ate it (cuss you Blogger). So instead, I ask all of you visit her and make up for my loss at Blogger’s hands. Basically: I think she should focus on the positive and the things she can do more often and more cheaply as ways to “live more” and she should feel just fine going ahead and taking a percentage of income for living more. But I’m sure you all have better things to say.
  • Did you see? Single Mom, Rich Mom wrote a post all for ME! It turns out though, it is probably one of the best most inspiring posts I’ve read in the PF world. After reading her story, I feel very inspired, very blessed, and very satisfied with life where it is right now. I think her story is super important because these successful PF stories are way too often heavy on the DINK (Dual Income No Kids) side and short on everything else.
  • Thanks to Twinkie-Chan, I want a Candy Coated Knuckle Duster.
  • I finished reading Your Money: The Missing Manual. I have to say, I really thought this was going to be a yawner for me full of stuff I didn’t need to read because I’ve heard it all before. I was wrong. I actually want to own it. If you have tried searching GRS before, and get all mad because it’s just WAY too much stuff to go through, get this book. It’s incredibly handy. You can read my full review on Goodreads. Oh and yeah that means I’ve read 24 books or 40% of my challenge to read 60 this year. And I’m almost done with PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God.

So, I didn’t think this would be a link love fest but it looks like that’s what my blog wanted so there you have it! I’ll be helping my friend do last-minute taxes tonight, doing some mystery shops and store audits (rockin’ that extra income baby) tomorrow, and cooking bacon pancakes for some friends on Sunday. What are you doing?

P.S. I’d like to put together a collection of links of side jobs for moms– single or otherwise. I actually have a few I want to put up for sure and they all happen to be fantastic artists. So, if you’ve got a side job, or your job is your sole income, either blog about your business and its story and email me the link to your post or email me the story and a link to your site. Even if your products or services aren’t something that can be purchased on the web, I’d still like to feature it. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is or what it is (even another blog!). I’m just curious about what everyone else out there does to pull in some money and I want to support other females because we rock.

The latest reason I love couponing

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Went to Publix last night to take advantage of the last day of last week’s sale (here Publix sales run Thursday to Wednesday unlike everywhere else because that’s how we do it down here). I paid $46.17 for $85.84 worth of stuff. Here’s how it broke down across the three categories I made purchases in (pre-tax because otherwise I get befuddled):

Food (Almond milk, sour cream, feta cheese, chuck patties, pita bread)

Cost: $21.34 Coupons & Sales: $4.18 Savings of 20%

Personal Care– Kids (Diapers, Wipes, Diaper Cream, Body Wash)

Cost: $46.46 Coupons & Sales: $20.99 Savings of 45%

Personal Care– Mine (Toothpaste, toothbrushes, facial tissues)

Cost: $9.89 Coupons & Sales: $9.45 Savings of 96%

Overall on my bill (with tax), I saved 46%. My receipt further explains I took advantage of $17.99 in store coupons (21%), $11.15 in vendor coupons (13%), and $10.53 in special prices (12%). I want to emphasize, these savings are in Florida which does not double coupons. If they did, my savings would have been even higher. Regardless, this trip goes to strengthen my assertion that coupon savings’ strength lies outside of Food especially if you’re not into really junky food and is still very much worth the time and effort (which incidentally is not much). This is especially important for those who place high value on high-quality foods (which in all honesty is not me, I’d say I’m in the moderate camp) because it’s the perfect example of the savvy money mentality to save where you can to splurge where you want.

P.S. When you do your shopping, and your bags are loaded, and you’ve paid, take your cart to an out of the way place by the exit (don’t block any passages) and look through your receipt carefully. Two weeks ago at Publix, the eggs were on sale ($2) but rang up at regular price ($2.59). I probably wouldn’t have done anything except I’d bought three dozen eggs for the baking marathon I went on. I went back to have it adusted and the lady gave me back the full value of the three dozen eggs. Why? To my surprise, their policy is if they charge you wrong, they refund the full amount of the item. So what I thought would be a savings of $1.77 (the difference in price) turned into a savings of $7.77. This week, I ignored my own advice and have overpaid in two separate instances and didn’t catch it until days later when I was entering my data in my price book. I lost $4.09. Oh and I forgot to use a coupon because I was on the phone at checkout losing another $1.25. My total loss for negligence this week? $5.34. Lesson learned? It’s important to be vigilant with your money, even in the little things because they add up fast and no one is going to watch out for your money any better than you are. 

Mutant SuperModel and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

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I went to sleep with wet hair and now my hair is sticking up everywhere and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on my son’s Legos and by mistake I dropped toothpaste drool on my silk blouse while brushing my teeth and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast Eldest tipped over his juice cup and Daughter dropped her cereal bowl and Baby peed his pants and the coffee pot cracked right when I was going to pour myself a cup.

I think I’ll move to Tahiti.

In the car Baby kept rolling down the window. Daughter kept singing out of her window. Eldest said he was being scrunched. Eldest said he was being smushed. I said, if everyone doesn’t be quiet right now I am going to be carsick. They only got louder.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At my morning meeting, my boss liked Phyllis’ five agenda items instead of my one agenda item to not have morning meetings.

At my desk, he said my music was too loud. At my afternoon meeting, he said I left out page sixteen of my budget report. Who needs page sixteen?

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Angela said I wasn’t on the party committee anymore. She said Phyllis Peterson and Kelly Clark were on the committee now and I was only on the helpers’ list.

I hope you break a nail, I said to Angela. I hope the next time you get your hair done it falls out in clumps and lands in Tahiti.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was because when I left work early, it was to go to the dentist and Dr. Fritz said I needed a root canal. Come back next week and I’ll fix it, he said.

Next week, I said, I’m going to Tahiti.

On the way to pick up the kids at school I was cut off and while the kids were scrambling to the car Baby made Daughter fall where it was gravelly and when she started crying Eldest called her a crybaby and when Daughter tried punching Eldest for calling her a crybaby she punched me instead.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day I told everybody. They only got louder.

So then we went to the shoestore to buy some sneakers. Baby needed velcro ones in size 9. Daughter needed white and velcro ones in size 10. Eldest needed white and lace-up ones in size 13 but then the shoe man said, We’re all sold out. He showed me some expensive light-up ones the kids wanted instead, but they can’t make me buy them.

When we got home, I said they couldn’t play with my laptop but they forgot. I also said to watch out for the pile of folded laundry, and they were careful except for their hands. I also said don’t fool around with my cell phone but I think they called Tahiti. I said please don’t come near me anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There were tantrums at dinner and I hate tantrums.

There was Spongebob on Tv and I hate Spongebob.

The bath was too hot, they got soap in their eyes, a Lego clogged the drain and they had to wear pajamas. They hate wearing pajamas.

When they went to bed Daughter wanted water and Baby bounced on his bed and Eldest’s reading light burned out.

The cat wants to hide under the couch instead of cuddle with me.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

My mom says some days are like that.

Even in Tahiti.

*This was written 100% completely and totally inspired by the amazing Judith Viorst and her wonderfully timeless Alexander. We love you Judith! Please don’t sue me or I’d have my most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day ever. XOXO -Mutant

The Mutant SuperMaiden Edition

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I got my social security card this weekend and went to the DMV today where they issued me a brand new license. All have been updated to reflect my maiden name. So, today’s post is the Mutant SuperMaiden Edition.

Yesterday, I opened a few extra ING savings accounts to help me reach the various short-term savings goals I have now. One is currently called Summer Camp but that’s going to end up being a seasonal sort of thing I suspect. Because once Summer Camp is paid for, I fully intend on converting it over to a Christmas fund. And even though I have designated one of ING accounts as an emergency fund account, I will likely keep my emergency fund split between ING and my local credit union which is easier to deposit into than ING and is also easy to withdraw from in case of an emergency. I also think it will be helpful to have a good relationship with my credit union.

Today, with my new license in hand I got a few other things out of the way. I went to HR and updated my name change with them. Then, I went to the credit union and changed my name with them as well as added a very small automatic deposit of $45 every month into the credit union account. Finally, I called ING and verified they’d made the name change to that account. I wanted them to send me a new card but they require they shut off the card I currently have in order to do that. I’m not sure that’s a good idea just yet. I also went ahead and updated my beneficiary information with my IRA and 403-b and have filled out the form for the name change for that as well (weird fact, apparently I have to mail it in and that’s the only option). So, yeah, I’m getting things done and that feels very nice indeed.

I should mention, I have done a lot of walking today. The DMV was about 3 blocks from here and the HR office was about five blocks from here and the credit union was about three blocks from there. I love having things within walking distance and one of the very favorite things about my job is that I can use public transportation and my feet. It makes it easy to forget I live in a car-obsessed city.

By the way, I can’t remember the last update I made here on my book challenge but I’ve slammed down 23 of 60 so far with the latest being Darkfever. And confession time, I’m totally all into this series especially because of how short they are. So now I have two series I’m obsessed with and I’m pretty sure 60 books are not going to be a problem at all. But at least my library is carrying the Fever Series which is sadly not the case with the Parasol Protectorate. I’m also about to finish Your Money: The Missing Manual. I’m going to add it to my Wishlist because I have to say, it is incredibly handy for reference and much easier to navigate than the Get Rich Slowly website. Seriously, searching that website reminds me of those Bing Search Overload commercials. If you’re totally a book nerd like me, I’ve been faithfully updating my GoodReads info and I just won another book from them. I like how easy it is to use and I love the book giveaways. They make feel like a legitimate book nerd when I receive one from the publisher.

Lucky you, this is a short post today! I’ve been too busy to put together anything very meaningful I guess!!

Parent vs. Mother

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Discipline
“Discipline” by baladeva_d on Flickr

A couple of weeks ago, I read this apparently ancient article and like most well-written things it parked into my brain and has been idling at times more loudly than others.

It turns out, I hate parenting. There’s a difference between being a parent and being a mother. As a matter of fact, it’s not that there’s a difference, it’s that they have very little, if anything at all, in common.

  • Parenting is figuring out how to keep your children nourished at healthy levels and facing the various obstacles to such a feat. From battling childhood obesity to figuring out how to get one serving of veggies a month into your child much less five a day, the daily (hourly) food battles are parenting at work.
  • Parenting is dealing with the child’s educational life. This includes mining book bags and folders, looking over homework assignments, helping a child prep for exams, drilling facts, reading together, establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship with teachers, managing all forms sent home for parental review, participating in school activities, not allowing for an abundance of absences and/or tardiness, etc.
  • Parenting is managing the health care of a child– setting appointments for check-ups, tending to illnesses immediately, alleviating pain and discomforts, administering medication and care as directed, and monitoring a child for symptoms.
  • Parenting is assuming the role of judge and jury in all potentially hostile  inter-personal relations in your presence (think child and sibling or child and playmate) attempting to maintain an environment that is impartial and fair as possible. It is also making the active decision to remain a silent observer in the hopes of fostering an opportunity for negotiations and peace-making independent of your involvement.
  • Parenting is creating and maintaining a healthy, safe, and comfortable physical environment. It is implementing a maintenance schedule and routine that involves all parties’ participation to maintain the levels of organization and cleanliness to a suitable standard.
  • Parenting is the education of a child in acceptable or even desirable societal behaviors, mannerisms, language, etc. It is teaching a child to cope with negative situations, manage emotions healthily, and build confidence in a real, results-oriented way.

It has lately struck me sharply how much parenting is so similar to running a business. You are building a business from nothing. Most likely, returns will be zilch or at the very best, minimal in comparison to the investment. The hours are long. The environment is often highly stressful with little downtime. Burnout is high with little reprieve. The opportunity to delegate is often rare and can itself lead to a contentious situation. In some situations, delegating is simply not an option. Not to mention, the product’s performance is entirely a reflection of your abilities—whether you feel such judgment is deserved or not.

Like any method of management, the above list is general. Each manager must pick and choose among these things, prioritizing according to their own agenda, eliminating and adding as seen fit. It is here you see styles emerge—Tiger and others. Not only in which topics to advance, but also to what extent each area is enforced. As the list suggests, it also becomes apparent that parenting is not limited to the biological mother and father of a child. Many adults can, and do, assume parental responsibilities in the life of a child—with positive and detrimental effect. At times, biological parents choose not to parent.

It’s hard not to understand why. After all, where parenting is extremely exhausting and exacting work, mothering is not.

Mothering is nurturing and affection. Mothering is kissing boo-boos all better and playing silly games with no educational purpose. Mothering is hugs and kisses without prompting or expectation of a desired result. Mothering is favorite colors and foods, chocolate chip cookies, singing lullabies four times in a row, and reading “Don’t Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late” in the most dramatic over-the-top way because they giggle in the most contagious way. Mothering is putting aside the Very Important Thing you’re doing because your two year old is walking around the house in a weird funny way singing this little chant that goes something like “Dance, I’m a robot. Dance, Dance, Dance. I’m a robot” and he’s doing so in his best stiffest motions and with his best digital voice and it’s absolutely hilarious and uncannily creative and you’re just unable to comprehend how this amazing little creature came up with such a thing! Mothering is doing things not because they’re the right thing to do or because they’re going to help your child in one way or another, but because they make your heart swell so much you can hardly breathe. And it’s not swelling with pride, it’s swelling with this overwhelming surge of unrelenting love you can’t even explain it.

Of course, the two things may be very different, but they don’t work at cross purposes. And loving mothers, single or otherwise, understand more often than not, parenting is necessary. So, as much as I love being a mom, I hate being a parent. At the same time, because I do love my kids so much, I also understand it’s in their best interest for me to be a parent and to assume as many of the parental responsibilities as I can and to do so in as graceful a style as possible—whatever that may be.  

For what it’s worth, I think this is where Amy Chua went wrong. The excerpt from her book that flew around the world was focused too much on parenting and not enough on mothering. I’m not saying that’s how she was and I’m not saying the rest of the book was like that as well, but the excerpt was. The excerpt was 100% unadulterated parenting and in an aggressive management style. People went ballistic because The Wall Street Journal was heralding this excerpt as the reason Chinese mothers are superior and yet there wasn’t a shred of mothering in the piece!

So, mental note to self: When the parenting becomes really overwhelming and is threatening to push me to the brink, stop and do some mothering to get back to center. Kids need, and want, both. More importantly though, so do I!

The Problems in Congress- Where are the parents?

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A Fight in the Souq
“A Fight in the Souq” by Karl O’ Brien on Flickr

Watching, reading, and listening to the news generally depresses me. But when things feel really just out of control, I feel it is my duty as a human being to tune in and get a grasp  of what is going on in the world around me.

Of course, this week my attention has been on the Budget Bickering Debacle going on in our Congress. The thing is, every time I read or watch or hear a piece on this issue, a very clear image plays out in my head. Let me lay it out for you.

Baby and Daughter are playing side by side. Baby puts down Toy One to play with Toy Two. Five, ten, fifteen seconds pass and Daughter picks up Toy One. Five, ten, fifteen, thirty seconds pass and Baby realizes Daughter has Toy One. “No! It’s mine!” he yells as he lunges for Toy One. Daughter is swift though and yanks it just out of his reach in the nick of time. “You weren’t playing with it!” she contends while stretching her body in unimaginable ways to keep the toy even further out of his grasp. Baby is determined though. He knows that Toy One is his toy and there’s just no way he’s going to concede that fact. He pulls forward and maybe climbs on her. “Mine!” he screams a bit louder and more desperate. Daughter starts to fight back. “Get off of me!” she’ll yell as she squirms and twists to manage her way out from under him—no small feat considering he weighs as much as she does. Within seconds it happens—the two start screaming and wailing endlessly repeating their claims to Toy One frantically and loudly, neither willing to give up their claim to their precious Toy One, neither even listening to themselves much less each other.

Now, let’s pretend for this post’s sake, that the above situation is taking place in my house and there are lots of people over perhaps for Easter brunch. The screaming is piercing. The wailing is cringe-worthy. Everyone sits and waits. For what? For me.

All of these very uncomfortable people are waiting for me to step in, yank Toy One from their hands, separate the two terribly entwined bodies and demand in my best Angry Mommy Voice, “What on Earth is going on here?” This would then be followed with something along the lines of, “If you can’t share Toy One no one plays with it. Now sit and play nicely or you get time outs, both of you!” Depending on how worked up they are, it may take a few more sentences but eventually it ends the same way every time—I get to walk away from two kids peacefully playing and Toy One is even back in action in some function.

If you’re not sure what on Earth this has to do with Congress and Budget Bickering, let me explain. I get the feeling the vast majority of mothers (and possibly a good amount of teachers and child care providers) in this country are watching all of this unfold and shaking their heads thinking, “You let me in that room and I’ll have those spoiled brats working together nicely in ten minutes flat. You’d have this damn ridiculousness done with in an hour max.” I’m actually pretty sure if they let me into Congress, I’d probably yell at them something similar to what I tell my kids—“What on Earth is going on here? You’re behaving like completely spoiled brats! Now I want you all to sit down and quietly explain to me what it is exactly that is preventing you from behaving like adults and finding a resolution. And if you can’t get yourselves under control by the time I count to three, no one gets a paycheck for the next three months! Am I understood?”

Obviously, Congress doesn’t allow frustrated American moms into their chambers to end these ridiculous disputes (recurring way too often if you ask me). So, we need the next best thing. We need members of Congress to take it upon themselves to assume the mantle of parent – I mean, leader. We need members of Congress who have the courage to not worry about Election Day 2012. We need members of Congress to have the courage to step forward and say, “Right now I don’t care about my party, I don’t care about my constituents, but I sure as hell care about this country and the crisis it’s facing and I am determined to do whatever it takes to fix it right this moment.” We need members of Congress to understand we’re the uncomfortable party guests wondering when in God’s name the parents are going to step in and take control of a situation that has gotten completely out of control and made everyone exceptionally uncomfortable. You can sit there and proclaim you’re a really great parent/leader, but at the end of the day effective parenting/leadership isn’t about the words that come out of your mouth to people around you—it’s the actions you take in parenting/leadership situations. Finger-pointing, complaining, ignoring, pouting, proving a point, and bullying is not behavior befitting a leader. It is what children do. It is what followers do.  

So I ask of the Congress—Where are the parents? The children are acting out and need your immediate  intervention.

Financial Blues- With Charts!

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I’ve got a case of the Wednesdays. Tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll have a case of the Thursdays. I never get a case of the Fridays.

Ok yes I’m totally cranky and potentially whiny. You’ve been warned.

I told you I finished The Help and loved it. I’ve since then also finished Kiss & Tell. It was ok– different and light. Now, I’m reading Your Money: The Missing Manual and am almost done with that. After that I’ve got Darkfever and PostSecret ready to go and then we’ll just have to see what the heck the library decides to send me. Either way, 22 books done, 38 to go.

I’m a little bummed with money again (always). No, I don’t want to buy a bunch of stuff (just a little bit), it’s just that I’ve had to come to terms with Freaking Summer Camp.

Summer vacation is the bane of any single mother’s existence. And if it’s not the bane of yours, I bite my thumb at thee. I thought maybe I’d just pass on the whole summer camp this year and torture the children by placing them in Abuela Camp. But reality has set in and I’m pretty sure Abuela’s not taking campers this year—or ever again for that matter. In all seriousness, the children would probably last two weeks there, max, and that’s only because she gives them unlimited cookie and milk access.  So I thought maybe I’d put them in their school’s summer camp except it’s not the entire summer and it’s not the entire day and they’re already sick to death of the place anyhow.

That’s when I took a deep breath and pulled up the information on the summer camp program they went to last year. It’s going to be just under $3,000 for the two school age kids to go for the nine weeks. According to our agreement, I’m supposedly responsible for $900 (30% according to our income differences) of that. Last year, Ex was pretty good about paying his fair share but I’m not sure I can count on that this year given the erratic behavior of the past several months. Plus, last year we registered and paid weekly. While that was perfectly fine with Eldest’s camp, it was a disaster with Daughter’s– especially towards the end of the summer when it was needed most. It kept filling up before we had the money available to pay for it and it was just a nightmare scrambling to find someone to watch her and she wasn’t happy she was missing “flip class”. In other words, I have to pay Daughter’s registration in full up-front plus the membership fee and the first week of Eldest’s camp—at least $1800. Remember that refund I was all happy about and going to use to destroy some debt? It hasn’t come in yet, but it’s pretty much spent and not on something like lowering debt.

Then again, it’s going towards preventing debt which should count for something. As a matter of fact, I just recalled a portion of last year’s surprising summer camp expense was paid for with my credit card. And even though I’m not using the refund to pay my parents back as I’d initially wanted to, at least I’m not going to have to borrow more money from them. Not to mention that although it is unlikely, there is some sort of one in a gazillion chance Ex might actually reimburse me for some of that like he’s supposed to.

This is where the frustration is for me. When you’re on a mission, whatever it is, any setback is completely and totally overwhelming, frustrating, and disappointing. Really, think about that. For instance, weight loss. Let’s say you’re on this mission to lose fifty pounds—or else. And you’ve been eating well, drinking water, and working out consistently. I mean your day is filled with decisions that revolve around this mission. At first, you totally get results. And it’s awesome as that little ticker goes down, down, down a bit more towards the zero every time you step on that scale. But then one day, it ticks in the opposite direction. You freak the heck out. You’re so upset because of all the damn work you’ve put in and now you have this setback and it’s not even fair! And you don’t even manage to pause and think—wait, this might be muscle mass gain. This would mean not only have you not gained any bad weight,  but you’ve actually made progress!

So it is with this whole summer camp thing. Part of me is explaining (patiently) I should actually be proud of myself for having the foresight to think about this now. Not to mention, this realization actually came about because I sat down and created an annual budget (a first for me). This is a positive thing. Not only that, but I have figured out a way to not incur additional debt to fund this forgotten expense. And I have given myself ample time to not only save money, but to research alternatives. In other words, even my inner Dave Ramsey is saying, “DUH!” and yet…

Another part of me is simply hung up on Debt and how Horrible it is and how I must work hard to Pay It Off Right Now No Matter What and every single Dollar And Cent must go to that Honorable Goal. Because not many money-writing people are single mommies, things like footing the cost of Summer Camp while paying off debt doesn’t get much play. As a matter of fact, without revealing the fact I am a single mom, most people would dismiss Summer Camp as a frivolous expense and therefore not a priority above Debt Elimination.

I pretty much whole-heartedly adopted the idea that one should create a mini emergency fund ($1000)  before proceeding to debt reduction and then slam everything they could at debt. But, it’s not working. Why? Because my mini emergency fund evaporated the first month Ex didn’t pay me. And then, every dollar I could get my hands on went to stopping the bleeding, treading water and then building a buffer against the next shortfall in income. Not being better prepared when times were flush and things were better has put me in an ongoing stressful as hell situation.

So for now I’ve put Debt Reduction on the back-burner. Why?

This can never happen again. No matter how much I cut, as long as I have debt, I need a portion of Ex’s money to cover minimum payments. Without a dollar from Ex, I’m spending more than earning and this is with bare bones expenses going on. So, I’ve come up with my own Mini Emergency Fund Formula: $1,000 for me (head of household) plus $500 for each dependent. This means my Mini Emergency Fund would be $2500. While $1,000 seems like a nice solid buffer to get someone  through while they pay down debt, it’s just not enough when there is more than one person that could have emergencies happen involving them.

Not only that but I’m going to create Targeted Savings Accounts as well. This is something I didn’t think really applied to me because I needed to Get Rid of Debt Right Now or Else. But then, big expenses would crop up that I’d “forgotten” about and I’m left freaking out. I’m tired of freaking out. And quite honestly, I don’t find my Debt that stressful. It’s there. I pay it. It’s the same amount, give or take a few dollars every month. I can deal with consistent expenses just fine. And while I realize I’m going to pay like crazy for interest, I need to have a calmer financial life.

So, there are new financial priorities in my life as of now:

Priority One: Use expected tax return to either cushion against potential income shortfall and/or to fund Savings for Mini Emergency Fund and Summer Camp. This depends on Ex’s payment this month (which as of now is “we’ll see”).

Priority Two: Stick to reasonable budget (still working on figuring out THAT number) and at the end of the month, instead of rolling over money, put towards mostly Savings with some going to Parents to repay that debt (the only exception to my “Debt isn’t stressful” comment).

Priority Three: Eliminate debt with everything leftover once Priority One and Two are met.

Financial Independence isn’t zero debt, fully funded emergency and retirement funds, and living below your means. It involves those things, yes, but at the core I believe Financial Independence is mostly Financial Awareness and Financial Management and Financial Planning and Financial Peace. Yes, I can kill myself to race to be one of those awesome people who get to proclaim “Debt Free!” from the mountains (or palm trees). But I can’t pretend my financial life is void of big-ticket transactions because I’m on that voyage. I’m not talking new gadgets or even upgrading my eight year old 110K miles and counting gas guzzling car, I’m talking essentials like Child Care or Educational Expenses. And when I say Educational Expenses, I’m not talking about private school tuitions. While my children do attend private school, tuition is a gift from their grandparents. Everything else is up to me—field trips, fund raisers, uniforms, and the millions of other sundry expenses schools manage to throw at you during the course of one year. The aforementioned Summer Camp isn’t a fancy program—it’s the community summer camp close to my house and the only one that is open hours a Single Mom needs a summer camp to be open that don’t charge ridiculous costs for Before and After Care (Seriously? Summer Camps from 9 to 3?).

I can’t get on board with the whole concept “money isn’t evil” if it still stresses me the hell out. Until I have some sort of cushion and am able to plan ahead and save for big expenditures or drops in income, it’s going to stress me the hell out. As much as I love so many of these financial blogs and books, few of the success stories resonate with me fully. Single Mom Rich Mom gives me hope but her blog came to life as she approached Financial Independence, not on the insane voyage towards it. JD and Chris are childless. Adam has a child but under school age and has a wife and a life that don’t require paying for child care.

So much of the BIG advice out there is well and good but for someone in my situation doesn’t yield the same results. Sell my crap? Yeah I did that—to pay for a divorce lawyer. There’s not much crap left to sell and I do try to sell or give away (karmic investment me hopes) the rest of it. Stop buying crap? That ended years ago dude. I mean, yes there are moments I slip up but even when I do mess up and buy stuff, I don’t spend anywhere near what I was once capable of. Lower my expenses? To what point, exactly? My rent is totally reasonable, if not cheap, for my part of the world. Moving is pretty much impossible thanks to not just the fact their father wouldn’t go for it, but also because I can’t give up the support network I have here. It just would cause so many more problems than it would solve. I drive an old car I’m still making payments on but I take care of it and use public transportation to get to and from work. I cancelled my cable when I realized I had to start paying my Auto Insurance (previously having been debited from Ex’s account). I cook at home a lot more than I ever have before and go out to eat A LOT less (I spent $1200 in Food & Dining in March 2009 according to Mint). I do a good amount of couponing with pretty awesome results. I’ve tried growing edible things with minimal success. I’ve lowered my cell phone bill in a big way and plan on doing so again when the contract is up in September. I painfully researched my health insurance options. I’ve mostly switched to CFLs, keep the air conditioning off as long as I possibly can, and try and unplug things as often as my silly brain remembers.

As a matter of fact, I’ve been tracking my spending on Excel since July 2010. Do you know what my Spending percentages are YTD (through March 2011)?

You see what I mean? These percentages are “ideal” by many financial guru standards to some degree or another. And yet I’m getting little fulfillment or even peace from this despite the fact these priorities are incredibly sensible ones—House over the Head, Debt & Savings, and Children are the top three. If I took out the cost of Daycare, my kids would drop below Food which is still a perfectly good place to fall Priority-Wise. And not just that but my expenses since July have pretty much stayed the same with some decrease as this chart shows.

At least I have these numbers. If I didn’t have them, I think I’d despair beyond hope because there’d be no way to prove to myself I am doing the right thing even though it doesn’t feel like it. What I am missing is a representation of my debt over time. EDIT: I was missing. I went and got all the data I could which funny enough was through July 2010 as well. It confirmed what I knew—it’s gone up despite what the first set of numbers shows you.

So there you have it. One more frustrated story of a really tricky path to Financial Independence that is nothing at all like some sort of straight path. I’m going to keep at it. I’m going to even keep at tracking it visually like this because I want to see it, which is as close as I can get to feeling it. That spike in debt was due mostly, if not completely, to the evaporation of Child Support. I have to believe that money will be repaid to me at some point in some way and that I will be able to just continue plowing ahead. I have to hope at some point the path gets a little straighter, a little smoother. I have to hope at some point things start to feel peaceful or reassuring and that the calm starts to creep in bit by bit. I don’t know when, and that’s unsettling, but I just have to hope and believe it will, that’s all.