Archive for January, 2011

January 28, 2011

4/52: Reasons to Smile

That right there has been the thing I look forward every day this past week. Nyquil…

It’s actually been a bit more than a week since my last weekly photo post although I feel like I should count the closet post as one but I didn’t label it that way so I won’t. Yesterday was a rough day and so today, I’m posting some things that make smile.

I was leaning back to get this and a bit shaky so it’s a bit blurry. When I was done with his picture, he asked me if I was a single lady because I was very good-looking and he was going to give me his number. Nice compliment to start the day :) I adore this bike. The colors, the polka dots. EXCELLENT.

These are the Black Petunias I mentioned yesterday. Funny enough, when I came in this morning a few of them were droopy. I wondered if they caught my gloominess. To make it up to them, I gave them some water and told them they were too gorgeous to be so sad.

I bought these as an after-thought and they’re quickly becoming my favorites (don’t tell the others, they’re moody!). It’s not just the shocking red of their flowers, I love their foliage. I never say that! I usually don’t care about foliage! But these girls have red stems and the leaves are green shocked through with red too. They’re just amazing.

Now, when I mentioned the whole cleaning thing and how I was going to tackle my hall closet/home office situation in February, I mentioned the main reason was the kitchen. I officially finished my kitchen almost two weeks ago. It’s still very lovely and yes, it makes me smile. Funny enough, when my mom came to pick up the older kids to go to school, she went to my kitchen and said, “I love walking in here! It must make you feel so good.” And it does.

I removed the unnecessary and only left what we need. The calendars are down low at kid-level. I mark the days they go with their Dad in pink highlighter because they like knowing. Otherwise, I just have my motivators.  

Miles and miles of counter space. I have a small kitchen but now I have plenty of surfaces to work on. See that? That’s my coffee ready for the next morning.

No smelly dishes. Just some lettuces and onions desperate to be planted, some compost, and a couple of flowers (begonias and a Christmas cactus that is ready to explode in color) on my window sill. One day, I’ll make a cute curtain I think.

All of my cooking tools are in easy reach. The surfaces are empty and spacious. The stove doesn’t have pots and pans sitting on it. There’s no splatter. I keep a magnet on the hood so that when I’m cooking, I can stick the recipe up. I usually print recipes on-line and use those. This has been really useful!

This is my favorite thing about my new kitchen. I made this cabinet the lunch station. That giant gap is because two of the lunch boxes were already packed and in the fridge. This has made lunch boxing the easiest thing in the world. It’s next to the fridge so the rest of the things I need are right there. The counter underneath is long and spacious (the one pictured above with the coffee pot). I love this cabinet. I know exactly what I have and what I’m running low on. Things don’t go to waste. I get creative. I love this thing. LOVE.

So, that’s the eye candy for this week. I feel like these photos give you a glance into my life writing alone just can’t do. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy taking them. I don’t use a fancy camera, just a small Nikon Coolpix that happens to be one of the last gifts from Ex. I’d replace it if I had the money but there are more important priorities in my life.

January 27, 2011

Driven to Distraction

Flowers

“Flowers” by .Madar.

I think we can all agree it generally requires effort of some sort of degree to keep a positive outlook. Alas, I’m starting to crumble up a bit today. I’ve been sick for days and stressed about money and I’m just tired of propelling myself forward. It’s moments like these where I think it sure would be nice to have someone to pick me up, dust me off, and get me going again. Is that fair though? If I even had someone with that ability, would it be right to call on it? I don’t even know anymore.

This is the third post I’ve written today. The others went badly and got trashed. Sometimes, it’s not a good idea to have a particular topic mind. At least, not when it’s something that sits a bit too close to the heart. At least, not when you’re not at peak performance levels.

I bought some flowers at the farmer’s market today. There’s one that comes to the campus every Thursday. I found a nice man with lots of small flowers at $2.50 each plant. I bought three: two varieties of impatiens and a black petunia. I love the black petunias. I fantasize that it might be gorgeous to deck my entire window sill with these deliciously gothic flowers and occasionally pop in something with bright color. It might be interesting. I intend to share photos with you of my new plant friends, but apparently my camera got stuck to the dining room table again so that will have to wait until tomorrow. I also picked up my repaired boots. They are now equipped with brand new heel tip things.

I went to the farmer’s market because I had been crying in my office. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried at work. I’d love to tell you exactly what it was that brought it on but I’m not sure really other than an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, doom, and gloom. I felt that maybe I just needed to leave this space and let the gloominess evaporate. So, I walked to the farmer’s market. I was tempted by miniature roses but didn’t quite feel like spending $7 on one tiny plant that didn’t even have a fragrance. Another woman had large orchids for $10. I was tempted by those too but they seemed a bit too… pretentious. I don’t know why. I have orchids. I love orchids. They’re strange and fascinating things but today they just seemed demanding and snobby. I had given up when I found the nice old man at the very end. I intend on visiting him often. His booth was packed with small, colorful, very unpretentious little flowers. The kinds that you know aren’t going to really last much but they’re not very expensive and needy and they do sport quite a bit of much needed cheer, you know?

Silly to ramble on about something like flowers. But, this is how you do it, didn’t you know? This is how you pull away from the chasm, the void. You fill your head with lightness. You think about empty little things and distract the heaviness with meaninglessness. When you start to think maybe there’s something big and large and vast and incomprehensible around and above you, you pull in and away and just focus on the surface. People who live like this permanently are easy to mock and ridicule. But, there’s nothing wrong with employing a bit of this technique to get yourself back on track. Listen to the right kinds of songs and skip the wrong ones. You arrange everything you can control into the right way you want it. You shut off the parts of the brain that are getting out of line and kick the others into high gear.

So, besides the fact I’m lonely, difficult, and a failure in many ways what else can we ponder, hmmm?

How inky and delicious Thin Mints are and how fun it’d be to make a Thin Mint milkshake with MutantEldest who simply adores Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

How nice it’ll be to get that sofa into the other room, and have the desk and chair out of the office, of course. And how that will definitely free me up to get started on de-cluttering that nauseating closet.

How nice it’s been to have a clean kitchen! How much easier it is to maintain order than to create it.

Yes, there are lots of little things to distract myself with. My DS games (Big Brain Academy = Addicted). My books. My crochet. My house. Music. Even those seemingly tedious and boring things like budgets tracking spending are a welcome reprieve from the rest of my brain. Projects are wonderful. Thinking up projects is plenty distracting.

And yet…

My head hurts. I want to sleep a hundred years.

January 26, 2011

Friends who are Girls

Lonely Hearts Club Sad Girl Looking Down

“Lonely Hearts Club” by Pink Sherbert Photography

Bit of a gloomy pic today but it’s been a gloomy weather day and a gloomy brain day. Not to mention, I’ve still got a cold hanging around me. The medicine is wearing off now and a sinus headache is settling in. Everything is irritating me including the hand cream I use but not using it means my hands and elbows get itchy (specifically my left, weird).

After work, I’m meeting up with two former co-workers. We’re supposed to get together at a Pasha’s but I honestly don’t care if we eat there or not. I’ve got the dinner  delivery service and don’t really feel like spending much money. But, I figured I haven’t spent much time with girl friends in a long time and I will most likely not be able to go out at all next month so I might as well join them for a healthy nibble or whatnot and some chisme (“gossip”).

I’m not much of a social butterfly and am admittedly awful with friendships. It’s not that I don’t want them, it’s that I’m very lazy about friendships and I’m, to put it bluntly, harsh amd impatient. So I piss people off constantly and then, being as impatient as I am, I just drop them instead of working at fixing things. I like tough cookies. Tough cookies are not necessarily stubborn people by the way. Most insensitive people I’ve known have been stubborn and most tough cookies are extremely flexible. I like bendy. Bendy’s good. I’ll put up with your crap but you’d better put up with mine. Most people, though, aren’t ok with that sort of arrangement which is why I often explain old friendships away with the line “We had a falling out.” It’s worth mentioning this issue pretty much is exclusive to women. I don’t have these sorts of problems with the boys. So, I’m quite wary of girls wanting to get to know me and hang out and whatnot. I’ve been burned a billion times more by girls than guys. I have major trust issues and they’re intensely magnified when women are involved.

I’m strange, I get that.

The thing is, I’m not exactly Miss Lonely. I don’t really mind. Going  places wears me out. Hanging out with people is tiring. I’m the kind of person that needs to detox after parties and get-togethers. I don’t think I always used to be like this– or maybe I was in denial. It doesn’t matter either way. I do have girl friends I can call and talk to if I have the need. The thing is, I don’t have the need often. I’ve even grown to dislike people in my private space. I cringe when my Mom comes by because she inevitably picks things up and rearranges my piles and I lose things. My main mission as far as organizing is to get to the point where my Mom goes nuts when she comes to my house because she has nothing to do and has to sit still. But, today I’m feeling the inclination so when it was suggested we get together, I acquiesced.

Ex officially told me I wouldn’t get another dime this month. The earliest I’d see the remainder of January’s child support would be next week. And then he said I’d get February in full in the middle of the month. But I don’t believe him because, well I have no reason to do so. My guess is I’ll continue seeing these paltry payments the next few months. I don’t think he’s withholding money from me. I don’t think he’s that malicious (he COULD be asking for his commission under the table but I doubt it). I just think he’s making little to nothing at his job (mostly commission-based) and has probably done little to nothing to curb his spending habits. So, there’s nothing really for him to give. My mother sneered the other day it’d be great if he moved in with his girlfriend because at least maybe that way he’d actually pay on time and in full. I’m honestly nauseated with the whole damn thing and am trying hard to not kick myself for not moving on this divorce months ago. Time is money folks. Always is, don’t kid yourselves.

Because I’m pretty sure my income will be in the pits again next month, I’ve decided to force myself to join Sharon for a February No Spend month. I’m not sure what her rules are but I’m pretty sure it’ll be something like slash spending to the bone for one month and stick it out. I don’t really have a choice and this will help me stay controlled should Ex actually deliver on his promises. That money would easily fix my mini Emergency Fund and give my Debt Snowball a good kickstart after hibernating the past couple of months. When income shortages hit, I don’t use credit, but I do use my snowball payment to make up the slack.

Boy am I in the dumps. And of course, I want to shop. I want to buy my son Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief because he read the book (he’s 7!). And I want to buy myself lots of funDS games and some books that I’ve decided should be part of my permanent collection. I want to buy a file cabinet for my home office and a fancy shelving system for my hall closet. I want, I want, I want. I guess it’s good I think about wants, at least that means my needs are met.

Right?

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