Monthly Archives: September 2010

The Wandering Wednesday Entry

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All I know is I want to write. What, I’m not sure. Let’s just cross our fingers and hope for the best then.

First, a quick update on my goals.

 MutantSupermodel Life Goals as of September 29, 2010:

  1. Spend 15 minutes in each room searching for items to donate to the Veterans pick-up on September 29, 2010. DONE!
  2. Try the money envelope system September 30, 2010 for three months (December 31, 2010).
  3. Create a Christmas budget by October 15, 2010 and stick to it. REVISED TO INCLUDE: Must include supplies for gifts to be made which means projects must be decided on.
  4. Update the blog at least once a week for the next four weeks (October 22, 2010).
  5. Complete requested crocheted baby cape by October 27, 2010.
  6. Schedule monthly donations pick-ups starting October 29, 2010 for the next six months (March 29, 2011). REVISED: Prepare for a garage sale in late November/early December 2010.
  7. Commit to another reading project for 2011 and have details worked out by December 15, 2010.
  8. Send Christmas cards Friday, December 17, 2010.
  9. Complete MutantEldest’s Mario Bros. blanket by December 25, 2010. [May be revised. We'll see how fast other projects go.]
  10. Complete 26 in 2010 project allowing for 5 substitutions (i.e. skipping certain letters) by December 31, 2010. [May also be revised. I may have to settle for half and do the rest next year.]
  11. Continue tracking spending in Excel for the next four months (January 31, 2011). [This hurts so much. Necessary evil.]
  12. Have registration fees ready to be paid by February 15, 2011 so my parents don’t have to pay it again.
  13. Go on a family trip in the next six months (March 2011) and a kid-free trip in the six months after that (October 2011).
  14. Re-commit to doing laundry every other day for the next six months (March 25, 2011). [So-so on this. I had a laundry binge this past weekend. Did another small load yesterday.]
  15. Continue planning Girls’ Night for next six months (April 2011). [October 2nd is our third one!]
  16. Lose 12 pounds in 12 months (September 25, 2011). [Starting weight is 127 pounds]
  17. Pay off credit cards by December 2011, one month ahead of schedule.

As you can see, I have decided to go ahead and make it a Crochet Christmas after all. This just works for so many reasons. First of all, I really like making things. I also really like giving people something I’ve made. There’s this really interesting double-take a person does when I tell them I made the gift they’re holding. They literally look at it completely differently. I know there are people who don’t value a handmade gift, but seeing as how life has done away with a lot of “extra” people in my life and left me with people who really love me, I really can’t think of anyone I’ll be giving a gift to who wouldn’t appreciate a handmade item from me.  Of course finances also play a role in this. I would like to pretend this isn’t the case, but let’s face it, I just can’t afford to give everyone a gift between $20 and $40, my usual range. And every time I do budget shopping, I have a very hard time finding good presents in a $5 to $10 range. It’s not because I’m picky or have expensive taste either. I just think too many things today that don’t cost much, look it. I also tend to seek out very personal gifts and that range also makes it hard for whatever reason. It’s not impossible, but I really don’t feel like dealing with the hassle. Meanwhile, finding a pattern for something is as simple as typing in a search for a favorite thing. And the simple fact that I made the present instantly makes it personal. I like that. I also feel if I stick to making things for Christmas, I will have an easier time avoiding stores (i.e. temptation).

A lot of things I’ve done recently (past year) have made me think a lot about “things” and their relevance in my life. While I don’t necessarily believe in minimalism, or any “ism” really, I do have the strange feeling that while I wasn’t paying attention, too many things came into my life and developed personalities. My ex was most definitely an Accumulation Enabler (my term, I think). He made it no secret that things were important to him and the more expensive the things, the better they were and therefore the more desirable. To a certain extent, I fell in stride with this sort of thinking. I came to appreciate the more expensive things as well which, in hindsight, was a mistake. Let me explain because this is a weird one to navigate.

For the most part,  I do believe that many higher quality items also come with a higher price tag and in many cases the saying “You get what you pay for” certainly applies. However, what I did was embrace the concept backwards– “If it’s expensive it must be good and if it’s good I should have/want it.” Now after having more than a year away from the Accumulation Enabler and that thought process, I have a different way of looking at things and therefore, my spending habits. I feel like I’m more in line with where I used to be but even more educated. I’m more in the middle.

Nowwhen I shop, I look for things I like first. Once I decide I like something, I look at the price. Once I see the price, I try to understand it. In other words, I ask “Why is this priced this way?” If it’s really inexpensive, for instance, I check to see if something is wrong with it (especially important for clearance items) and if there is to what extent is it “damaged”. I check to see the materials it’s made of too. I have recently been forced to accept that my skin really likes as much cotton against it as possible for instance. I do think in some cases buying a cheap item is perfectly ok. I like playing with fashion and trends. Knowing an item isn’t going to last long is reasonable to buy if it’s inexpensive. Of course, this isn’t always the case.

I’ve learned to understand a higher price tag does not automatically indicate a higher quality item. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve spotted $40 plain colored tee shirts (on clearance!) that aren’t even made of cotton or other natural fiber. So when I come across something I really like and it has a higher price tag attached to it, I also try and figure it out. Some times the price tags make sense. For me, shoes tend to consistently be the most logically priced items in stores (ultra designer labels like Jimmy Choo are not part of this assessment). When I needed good flats for work, time and again the more comfortable shoes were in the $40 range while the ones in the $20 range often lacked too many things– they didn’t have enough cushion in the soles or the shoes were incredibly thin, or the straps cut. So when it time to shell out money for the shoes, Iwas comfortable with my choices and the amounts spent.

But the way I shop isn’t the only thing that’s changed. I just want less in my life. I want less things to deal with– materially and otherwise. Is this minimalism? I don’t think so. I’m not on a goal to achieve a state of “As little as possible” in a hyperextended way. I don’t really care about how little other people get by with, I just want to get by with as little as I can deal with. And this isn’t even a frugality driven goal either. For instance, I pay $50 a month for cable and internet access plus another $10 for Netflix (I did save myself $7 a month when it became available on Wii– bye Xbox membership!). I would think if I was stripping down in a minimalist way, or a frugal way, those would be obvious cuts. But, they reduce other “things” like fights among the kids. Let’s not get crazy here. My kids aren’t raised by the television but I do get a 2 hour break from the bickering when I pop in a movie.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. These are just things I’ve been contemplating. What do Iand the children need? What is the purpose of this in my and/or their life? Why is this in my and/or their life? Do I or the children find this more problematic than helpful? Does this bring me or the children joy? What is meaningful to me and the children? Gretchen Rubin constantly talks about figuring out her personal commandments in her book, The Happiness Project. I really identify with that. I could do things because I’ve always done it that way or I could do things because it’s how I want to do them. This doesn’t mean every task is an enjoyable one, it just means that every task is done in accordance with my commandments. Which I guess is another good project to work on. What exactly are MutantSupermodel’s Commandments anyways?

Crochet Christmas?

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Every year, right about this time give or take a few weeks perhaps, I start to fantasize about a crafty Christmas. I imagine I will give everyone handmade presents that will be treasured. I’ve never actually achieved a complete crafty Christmas. Last year was as close as I got presenting the adults in my non-nuclear family with homemade chocolate coquito and homemade truffles spiked with all sorts of things. It was a nightmare of non-preparedness and cost me more than I’d bargained on. I waited too late and found myself scrounging for bottles to store the coquito in, settling on emptied out and washed bottles of Jones soda I got at Big Lots. The truffles never really set the way they should have and the liquers I used to spike them with cost me a pretty penny.

Like everything else I’ve screwed up, I’ve learned a few lessons. First of all, if I am really serious about a crafty Christmas I need to commit to it early. Second of all, if I am doing a Crafty Christmas to save some money, I need to think of crafts that revolve around materials I mostly have on-hand. Since I’m not a chef, or an alcoholic, the idea to make my crafty Christmas of the culinary sort was not quite smart as far as cost-benefits went.  Third of all, I can’t over-commit myself.

I am head over heels in love with crochet. It’s a craft that is very speedy and offers lots of possibilities. It is a great craft for gifts, too, with a variety of projects that are quick and yet customizable. So of course, this year my crafty Christmas fantasies are revolving around crocheted gifts. And considering this definitely meets two out of three of my learned lessons, it’s a great match– except for the whole over-commit thing.

You see, before I had really grasped how easy crochet was for me, and how quickly it went, and how many nice things I could do with it, and how more appropriate it is for warm South Florida than knitting, before all of that happened, I committed myself to a project for a friend. And it is a great project. It’s my first sort of art piece if you will where I’m using a pattern as a base but I’m winging the rest as I go because there’s nothing like it out there. In other words, it’s really interesting. But it’s big—roughly the equivalent of a baby hat, six child-length scarves, and a baby shawl/small blanket. And I’ve been working on it but sometimes I get fried from it (everything is in the same color except the hat which is in a different color). So I committed myself to another massive (252 4” granny squares) project for MutantEldest.

Now, deadlines with these projects are somewhat fluid. In other words, the project for my friend should be done by the time the baby’s about three months old. Since she is due any day now, I can technically have this done by… Christmas/New Years. However, in my brain I thought it’d be more appropriate if I could have it done before Halloween, hence the October 27th deadline in My Goals. MutantEldest’s gift really has no deadline. I had originally wanted to give it to him as a Christmas gift hence that deadline in My Goals. But, if I put it off, I can make him something small to quell his demand request for me to make him something and it will free up time to work on gifts for other people.

So, I think I’ll be revising my goals. I’m going to give myself to the end of September to look online and create a list of possible crafty Christmas gifts that are feasible to make money and time-wise and at the same time recipient-appropriate (not everyone appreciates a handmade gift). If I can make a worthwhile list, I’ll postpone the blanket and use it to decompress from the other projects. I am going to continue trying to make the deadline for the cape but I won’t throw myself off the turnpike if I don’t finish it by Halloween. We shall see what the next week brings.

Mutant Goals

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Well, this turned out to come to fruition a lot sooner than I’d expected. I just got thinking about things I would like to do that are somewhat measurable and in the short to mid-term range. The fingers started typing and out came a list of 17 goals which I tried to make as SMART as possible.

I think perhaps I could do some more thinking and generate some goals that are more long-term in their nature but right now, I’m having a tough time with those.

As you will see, one of my goals does relate directly to the blog. I think if I keep revisiting my goals, at the very least through this blog, I have a better chance of keeping them in focus and therefore give them less of a chance to wander off.

Without further ado, I present

 MutantSupermodel Life Goals as of September 20, 2010:

  1. Spend 15 minutes in each room searching for items to donate to the Veterans pick-up on September 29, 2010.
  2. Try the money envelope system September 30, 2010 for three months (December 31, 2010).
  3. Create a Christmas budget by October 15, 2010 and stick to it.
  4. Update the blog at least once a week for the next four weeks (October 22, 2010).
  5. Complete requested crocheted baby cape by October 27, 2010.
  6. Schedule monthly donations pick-ups starting October 29, 2010 for the next six months (March 29, 2011).
  7. Commit to another reading project for 2011 and have details worked out by December 15, 2010.
  8. Send Christmas cards Friday, December 17, 2010.
  9. Complete MutantEldest’s Mario Bros. blanket by December 25, 2010.
  10. Complete 26 in 2010 project allowing for 5 substitutions (i.e. skipping certain letters) by December 31, 2010.
  11. Continue tracking spending in Excel for the next four months (January 31, 2011).
  12. Have registration fees ready to be paid by February 15, 2011 so my parents don’t have to pay it again.
  13. Go on a family trip in the next six months (March 2011) and a kid-free trip in the six months after that (October 2011).
  14. Re-commit to doing laundry every other day for the next six months (March 25, 2011).
  15. Continue planning Girls’ Night for next six months (April 2011).
  16. Lose 12 pounds in 12 months (September 25, 2011).
  17. Pay off credit cards by December 2011, one month ahead of schedule.

P.S. Cheerleaders are welcome. Apply via the comments ;)

Going for the Goal

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Somehow, I lost it. “It”? Drive. Purpose. Energy. Ambition. You know, things you have when you’re working towards achieving goals. And therein lies the problem. I don’t think I’ve lost “it” I think I’ve lost my goals. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? That moment where you wonder what you’re doing with your life, what the point of it is, what five years is going to look like and oh god, twenty. You know, when you review your activities for the past week/month/year and yikes that’s kind of… mediocre.

I don’t think this sort of thing plagues everyone. I’m pretty sure lots of people strive for mediocrity. Lots of people really work hard to have good stable solid mediocre lives and even though I think mediocre has a negative connotation to it, I don’t feel it’s a bad thing to have a mediocre life– except it’s not the life I want to lead.

I want to expand and swell until I’m just too large for this life and that’s when it’s ok to go. Does that make sense? I want my kids to admire me. I want my grandkids (Oh, they’ll happen. With three kids I’m bound to have at least ONE) to be fascinated by me. I want to be the one that sends the cards that everyone likes to read because they are so interesting! And it’s not because I want to show off it’s because I can’t stand still– mentally, emotionally, even spiritually.

Part of the problem with going forth and charging through life leaving interestingness everywhere in my path, is the same reason I have the desire to do so– I can’t stand still. There are 104 days left in 2010. 104! What happened to the 261 others? Well they went past. Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware that I have hardly gone through this year with a meek attitude letting life just happen. I’ve accomplished things this year. But, for one I’m not even really sure what I accomplished because well, I didn’t have much in mind other than to have a new job before the year started (check!). And I did get that haircut I’ve been fiending for and went with a piercing instead of a tattoo. Oh and I did that garage sale and got rid of ExMutant’s crap. Oh and I fixed my license. And I did manage to travel– to New York and then to Disney World with the kids (something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple of years). I’ve been reading a lot of books in my goal to read 26 this year. Maybe I won’t hit 26 but I might come close. Maybe I won’t get all the authors in the alphabet either, but I might come close.

Interesting sidebar on the reading project: I am having a vicious time reading a book whose author’s last name begins with J. In an ironic twist, I finally settled on Carl Jung’s memoirs only to become frustrated with it a few chapters in and putting it aside too. So where’s the irony? Well ExMutant’s name begins with J. Yeah, I think Carl’s cracking up about it too.

I’m not a naturally organized person. I want to be and I try to be, I swear it, but it just never happens. And the only thing I can think of, the only thing that just makes sense for me is that I’m allergic to setting goals. I try. And fail. It just slides away. But what’s a life without goals? A wandering aimless mess, that’s what. So, riding on the current gumption that’s been flowing through me the past 24 hours or so, I’m setting a goal. By this time next week I will be presenting you, darling blogosphere, with goals. I will invoke the power of J.D. once again and I will make my goals SMART goals.

A good goal is a SMART goal. That is, a smart goal is Specific (the goal is not nebulous, but indicates precisely what you intend to do), Measurable (the goal is quantifiable instead of vague), Achievable (the goal makes you stretch, but is not impossible to reach), Relevant (the goal is meaningful to you and your situation), and Timed (the goal has a specific time by which you intend to complete it).

So there we have it, Goal One: 

Create goals (specific) to share with the blogosphere (measurable) despite the fact I don’t like thinking about them (achievable) but desire a richer life with purpose (relevant); goals will be posted in one week (timed).

Budget Wrestling

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Budget is a four letter word in my psyche. I hate budgets. I hate them because I fail them every single time. The only budget I appeared to have had a mediocum of success with so far has been the DON’T YOU DARE BUY A THING budget. And even that one I passed with a C+. I’ve tried so many different types, strategies, methods, etc. that I’m just nauseated beyond belief. I’ve tried super strict perfectly defined budgets. I’ve tried looser methods where I had this much for these things and that much for “everything else”. I’ve tried no budgets. The point is each month I’m nervous about how much money I have, what I can buy, what I can’t, etc. I try and plan but it’s a big failure too– how did I forget two friends’ birthdays were this month and my car’s registration was due? I knew these things were happening but I forgot to budget them.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m not a disaster. I don’t use credit to supplement my spending. Well, not outside my $165 ING overdraft line of credit which penalizes me with super low interest, not transaction fees (I <3 ING). I am steadily paying my debt down with the debt snowball method. I have a 401k (which should kick back up again next month, yay). But I just can’t seem to get to a comfortable spot with money.

And I should. Between my job’s income and the child support payments I receive, I am on the way to the average annual household income that “gives you the most joy for your buck.“ To reach the cap, I need to increase my income by about 20%. And maybe that’s why I feel like I’m close to getting my money the way I want it but it’s not there just yet. Maybe I have about 80% of it under control.

My biggest frustration is that it feels as if there is just no steadiness in my expenses. Ok, that’s not true– there is a portion of my expenses that are steady. It’s the same amount every month, give or take a couple bucks. Those are my sane expenses and are hardly a cause for alarm. It’s the other stuff though that I struggle with. It’s groceries, clothing, gas, doctors, medicines, diapers, field trips, after school activities, registration fees, supplies, oil changes, birthdays, holidays, car repairs, and so on and so forth.

In a way, this is all my own doing. Given how long it’s been that I decided to wake up and wrestle with my finances, I should have a clear picture of my life with three kids and what it entails financially. But, I’ve been pretty scattered about tracking my spending. Have I pounded this into your head dear readers? Are you learning how tracking your spending is probably the single most important step in healthy fiscal living?

Anyways, I’m on my way now to see if I can make some sense of my Mint mess and my Excel method and smash together about one year’s worth of expenses give or take. And then, I think I’m going to see if I can’t figure out some sort of budget or SOMETHING. For a Friday, I’m quite cranky.

Just Say No: To Clocks

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Last night, I was sick and yucky feeling. My mother urged me to get the kids to bed by 8:00, 8:30 the latest and for me to get to bed by 10. After all, sick bodies benefit from sleep and we’ve all been suffering from colds for days now. Well, I didn’t listen to my mother. I intended to listen to my mother, I really did, but I just didn’t feel like fighting what felt like some sort of natural flow. I could’ve come home and started cooking dinner right away, served it, hustled the kids into a bath, beat MutantEldest with a stick to finish his homework as fast as possible, and stuffed everyone into bed for some peace and quiet at last. But, to put it simply- I didn’t want to.

Instead I got home and sat on the couch crocheting while MutantDaughter and MutantBaby watched Nickelodeon and MutantEldest worked on homework. When I was satisfied with my crochet progress and starting to get a bit hungry, I got up and started on dinner. We munched through dinner (which turned out really yummy) and ice cream and got everyone into the tub. I let them play a bit while I did some more crochet and then washed them up. Meanwhile, a friend came over with some cold medicine for the kids (hooray reinforcements) . I gave them their medicine, got MutantEldest in bed for his 15 minute reading time and let the other two play with my friend to blow some steam. Finally I read them a bed time story, tucked everyone into bed, snuggled with each kid for a bit, and watched the Jets lose beautifully to the Ravens (thank you Baltimore!). I went to bed around 11. I’m pretty sure the kids were in bed just before 9 but I’m not 100% on that one.

Yesterday was the kind of day where I was simply struck by the most vicious passive aggressor in my home—the clock. And with modern devices, they’re everywhere! The flying minutes mock you from your stove, microwave, coffee maker, laptop, cell phone, alarm clock, etc. Everywhere you turn, time check! And it’s stressful. And not fun. And restrictive. So I let it go yesterday. I’ve actually been reducing my clocks for a while now. There’s only one clock in my kitchen as I let the microwave and coffee maker go unprogrammed. In my bedroom my alarm clock finally died and I replaced it with my cell phone. Really, those are the only two clocks I can think of in my house not counting my laptop. But the harder thing to let go of is the act of checking the time. A quick glance here and there can really get the heart racing you know? And not in a really good exciting kind of way but more in an “oh poopy” kind of way.  

I honestly encourage you to eliminate clock stalking in your life as much as possible. Even with my children, I find things are more peaceful when you just let them flow than when you try and force them into working. Bedtime can be such a headache in my house and maybe it was more due to cold medicine than a laid back style, but things went really smoothly last night and they were all asleep quite quickly which is usually not the story by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not advocating letting everything go to heck and letting everyone do what they’d like when they’d like. But I am suggesting breathing a little room into your schedule and giving yourself larger windows to work with than precise benchmarks. I know what doctors say about how much sleep children need, but just because I have them in bed at 8 versus 9 doesn’t mean they’re getting an extra hour of sleep. In most cases, I’m even concerned it’s backwards since the stress of rushing to bed on time causes them to be pretty worked up and takes some time to come down from. It’s not surprising to walk past my kids’ rooms at almost 11 at night and find them awake which was something I didn’t have to deal with last night happily enough!

Flexing the Self-Confidence Muscle

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One of the things I constantly talk about and ponder is the shattering of self-confidence that happens in an unhealthy marriage (or any relationship of significance) and the strange one step forward, two steps back rebuilding process that presents itself in the separation and divorce.

It shouldn’t be a surprise, then, that today’s post on Lifehack, “63 Ways to Build Self-Confidence” hit home. While I absolutely think you should read the entire thing because it is an excellent post, I wanted to summarize a few thoughts I have on this especially as they correlate to recovering from divorce and adjusting to single motherhood. For me, building self-confidence boils down to a few key factors: Education, Recognition, Challenges, and Letting Go. The Lifehack post basically gives 63 different ways you can do those things but I’m presenting my nutshell version in the hopes that, in combination with the Lifehack entry, we’ll come up with some ideas, twists, and interpretations in our own lives.

Education

Keeping your brain active is super important—that’s why setting goals to learn things big, medium, or small, is crucial to building self-confidence. Whether it’s by keeping yourself informed of local issues, educating yourself on the grieving process or child psychology, or teaching yourself a new skill (from books and YouTube if, like me, you can’t attend a class) giving your brain something to chew on works wonders on your self-confidence. It keeps your mind occupied with useful matter instead of that destructive chatter it often migrates to when idle. Also, education provides a path to another important confidence-builder—recognition.

Recognition

I believe the more damaging the relationship, it’s likely the less recognition you received—from your ex-spouse and yourself. Somewhere along the road we get folded into this concept that giving ourselves credit is immodest, selfish, and wrong. There’s a big difference between acknowledgment and boasting. You did something well, you deserve to acknowledge and congratulate yourself on it. That’s what I like about learning a new skill. For example, I recently taught myself to crochet and every time I sit and crochet I am forced to embrace the fact that I did this on my own. I learned this because I wanted to and here I am doing it. Even if there’s a teacher involved, learning is a deeply personal activity.

Challenges

Of course, you have to give yourself the opportunity to recognize yourself for a job well done and besides education, challenges are an excellent way of doing this. And challenges present themselves constantly in lots of different shapes and forms. There are obvious challenges like big goals to work towards which are absolutely excellent. But there are the smaller daily challenges that I think are really important and too easy to pass on. Challenge yourself to leave the house. Challenge yourself to smile at a cutie.  Challenge yourself to smile, period—some days that’s really difficult to do. Challenge yourself to hug your kids for at least 20 seconds when they come crying to you. Challenge yourself to do things you love and enjoy guilt-free. Challenge yourself to think positively. Challenge your priorities, your dreams, your rules, your limitations. Success or failure is not the point of a challenge, it’s simply engaging in one that is the goal and the accomplishment which you should of course give yourself credit for. Succeeding in a challenge is the cherry on top.

Letting Go

Ah, the crux of it all. Because in order to embrace education, recognition, and challenges you have to let go of so much. You have to let go of rules, expectations, and fears to start. And then, as you progress down the self-confidence building path, you have to keep letting go. Sometimes you’ll find you have to let go of actual things or even people. You have to let go of comfort levels one by one. It may feel as if you’ve let go of everything and have nothing left, but it’s the opposite. You have everything to gain. That’s when things start clicking together. When you realize that now you have wiped the slate clean you have a gorgeous new canvas.

I like how Lifehack says “self-confidence works just like a muscle – it grows in response to the level of performance required of it.  Either you use it or you lose it.” It’s true, simply and honestly. And those of us emerging from a broken relationship can easily testify to this. After all, had we been actively using our self-confidence would we have stayed in a damaging relationship as long we did? Obviously, the answer is no. So we emerge from these relationships with weak self-confidence muscles. And just like any workout, it’s hard to start because we want dramatic results yesterday. Just start small. My favorite idea which is not in the Lifehack entry, is to maintain a daily accomplishment log. Every day write one sentence describing something you did. That’s all. Just finish the sentence “Today I… and I’m glad I did.” We’ll get there, you’ll see.

Three down three to go

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Today I scheduled the final payment on the third of my six credit cards. Three more to go. Now we’re moving into the heavy hitters– the guys with the largest balances and, of course, the highest interest rates. As it stands today: I have $4,845.70 in credit card debt (with an average APR of 28.99%- rapists), $9,203.91 in a car loan, and $6,881.86 in student loans which means my total consumer debt right now is $20, 931.47. My Debt Reduction Calculator tells me I’ll pay my last credit card off January 2012 which is a good way to start the new year if you ask me. Just have to keep moving forward.

The Money Mess Martini

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As far as money goes, August was a financial massacre. I spent three times my budgeted amount. If you’re curious how such a thing happens, let me show you. I am not in any way going to attempt justifying what happened last month. It was pretty much a perfect money mess martini- shaken, not stirred.

The Money Mess Martini Recipe

1 part Irresponsible Spending

  •  There’s no way around this. When money matters go bad, there’s always something wrong with the way you spent your money. I didn’t track my spending on an almost daily basis the way I did in July. 21% of my original budget went to fast food alone while another 37% went to restaurants. That should give you a pretty picture of the kind of irresponsible spending I’m talking about here. For me, food is a complete money drain.

1 part New Job

  • Starting a new job often brings new expenses, especially in the first month when unforeseen necessities crop up. Take for instance the unexpected switch in transportation costs. I have to take the train to work now versus driving in. While this should bring a significant drop in gas expenses, it is yet to be determined if it will save me, cost me, or pretty much balance out. Either way, 27% of my original budgeted amount went to footing the monthly passes and the in-between days since I started my new job mid-month. Throw in the simple fact that I didn’t own one pair of decent walking dress shoes evidenced by my swollen and blistered feet the first week at work, and the new job related expenses kept climbing.

1 part Medical Bills

  • Thanks to changing jobs, my medical insurance is a thorny issue at the moment (I’m facing two monthly COBRA payments of $1100 right now). Because I knew it’d be in a state of limbo, I took care of the most pressing medical issue I had before me—my vision. And so I shelled out 39% of my original budget to pay for very uncomplicated glasses and an eye exam. Yup, this is with medical insurance “benefits”.

1 part Problematic Ex-Husband

  • ExMutant and I have weird vehicle registration issues. Even though both vehicles are currently registered to both of us, I appear on his vehicle registration first. So when ExMutant decided to run lots and lots and lots of tolls and not pay for them, I got the tickets. And when he failed to make payments on the bargained amount the judge came up with, my license got suspended. In August, 82% of my original budgeted amount went to fixing my license. By the way, he went and screwed it up again and there is currently a pending suspension order on my license which if he doesn’t pay by October 4th, will cause my license to be suspended yet again. Is everyone taking notes on the millions of things not to do MutantSupermodel is teaching you? Hope so kids. In case you need it spelled out clearly for you, make sure your name is never listed on a vehicle registration you do not drive. By the way, I should also add ExMutant is problematic in a financial aspect because he never has the money to pay for things upfront. The only money he ever has is his monthly child support bill. Everything else goes on the “I’ll pay you back” tab which is nearing $7000. He was supposed to pay me $2000 of that about three months ago and then pay $200 a month. Has not happened.

Dash of Software Glitch

  • As if all of the above wasn’t enough to complicate my month, I had a really stupid glitch in my tracking spreadsheet. To put it simply, I wasn’t summing all of the rows. So I kept adding transactions and the amount of money I had left never changed. I didn’t notice until it was way too late. This goes to show you—when you don’t pay attention, things get nasty.

Garnish with an empty savings account and overdrawn checking account.

Shake with maddening frustration. Strain. Serve and drink in shell-shocked position.

Swear to god you’ll never do it again while you hold your head over the nearest toilet.

Building My Life

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Yesterday, I did something I’ve wanted to do for at least five years, possibly longer. I went and got the back of my neck pierced. I think some people may see that sort of thing as extreme but ever since I saw that piercing on someone I knew it was perfect for me. ExMutant disagreed—vehemently. So, no piercing ended up on my neck. Like a lot of things ranging from small to huge, I shelved something I really wanted so that I could fit someone else’s cookie cutter a little better. The moment “someone else” was gone, I began smashing away the mold I’d confined myself in. Sometimes it was in huge drastic swaths of destruction like selling pretty much everything that was “ours” in a garage sale for instance. Other times it was smaller gestures, like taking his picture out of every frame in the house (except one on my son’s nightstand) and replacing it with one of the kids or my family or even me. The best way to explain is that I’m building my life—I’m the demolition crew, the architect, the builder, the interior decorator, and the resident. It is an exciting, overwhelming, invigorating process.

I often talk about how liberating this experience has been for me. When I get depressed, it’s because I am so ashamed at how much I abused myself to stay with someone so harmful. ExMutant never really got violent with me but the abuse he inflicted on my mind, confidence, and heart left severe wounds I often don’t believe I will ever recover from. The drawback to this process has been that double-edged sword—the more I strengthen and unfold, the more I realize how nasty of a mess it was. So while I get stronger and more confident, I also realized how soft I’d gotten. There is an instinct to harden. I often tell myself “never again” and really do feel a strong surge to lock myself away from any potential harm. I often muse over the fact that my Ex may never know the pain of my being with someone else because when I even think of giving my heart to someone else I feel so scared and uneasy and I just find myself thinking, “No way dude. No. Way.” But, I get lonely. And I also understand that I can’t be like that either. Being alone isn’t a sign of strength or confidence. There’s a proper place and time. Just like diving into a relationship right after ending another shows a complete lack of confidence and comfort in your own skin, an allergy to aloneness, pushing everyone away shows a lack of trust and a lack of self-worth.

In a way, being in such a damaged relationship so long makes me crave a loving relationship more than I ever imagined I’d be inclined to do. After giving my all to a fake thing, I want to know the real thing. I’m just scared of being fooled again I guess. Fool me once…