Monthly Archives: August 2010

Vacation’s End

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Well, my blog vacation went well past my life’s vacation and I hadn’t really counted on that. It does seem to be what happens when life really gets going apparently and that’s exactly what’s been going on since you saw me last. I started my new job, turned 30, got a dramatic haircut, became a regular user of public transportation, emptied my savings, deleted my Facebook account, stripped internet off my phone, and welcomed the kids back from their first day of school. Lots of things have happened and really only one has been negative-ish.

Part of me wants to rush right in and tell you about absolutely everything right here right now. But a much larger part of me is so exhausted that it can’t even focus on a starting point. However, now that I sit on a train about 40 minutes each day and get to take peaceful lunch breaks (most days), I’ll do some writing in my paper notebook and update as I can. I would have loved to have been able to use some of my hard-earned money towards repairing my laptop but other things came into play this month and swooshed it all away in one fell swoop. I’ll give you more info on that whole happening in a future post. It is the one thing that I am unhappy about this month, but there is nothing I can do about it at this point.

Well, I’m off to fold my daily laundry. I’m putting my home control methods back into play now that school and the routine it brings is back into play.

The Great Facebook Deletion

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The other day I announced on Facebook that I’d be deleting the account. The reactions were mixed. Some people were outright mad, others supportive, and most were confused and curious. Most people wanted to know “Why?” Well, it wasn’t the easiest thing to explain especially in such a short format but it’s a question worth examining because to me, Facebook is an interesting phenomenom that raises interesting issues.

This is not the first time I’d considered deleting my Facebook. I first considered it when ExMutant and I separated and I got nauseated by seeing him pop up all over photos with different girls, different friends, and partying it up. And yet you tell me you’re miserable, miss me, and want me back? I somehow remain unconvinced. But, I liked the network I’d built, and didn’t want to make an emotional and rash decision because of another person’s actions, especially a person I was extricating from my life as much as possible. So I kept it.

Then, Facebook had one privacy issue after another and I felt maybe this is the right time. I’ve had a hard time figuring out who I want on Facebook, who I don’t, and what to share. I didn’t like the idea of Facebook owning me and sharing me with people who are looking to take my hard-earned money. But, I also thought I was slightly paranoid and decided to take a wait and see attitude. Well I waited. And I saw.  And then, something weird started happening to me that was seemingly unrelated.

Reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project (review to come really soon) made me think a lot. It really got me asking myself a lot about myself. And I found that a few things I enjoy and value, Facebook deteriorates– specifically relationships and communication. At first glance and first experience, it appears Facebook strengthens these things and even makes them easier to develop. But, and maybe this is more my fault than Facebook’s, I have found that what it really makes easier is to create a false sense of relationship and communication.

Facebook encourages drive-by communication– brief, light, and superficial. Although there are people who do otherwise, I have found most people do not like it when you bare your soul on Facebook. And why should they? Soul-baring is something that should be reserved for the most intimate of your brethren. But, Facebook has made it so much easier to pronounce to your hundreds of “Friends” your latest frustration, injury, aggravation, embarrassment– with no time to think, “Is this really something I want people to know about?” So if you get used to applying the filter to what you stream on Facebook, you get into the habit of keeping everything fluffy. And there’s a mental block that tells you you don’t really have to reach out to your close friend because you posted on her status update that morning. What more do they want? For me, I knew there was something lacking in the Facebook experience when I found myself reluctant to share my blog and Twitter accounts there. I was hiding one online personality from another? With everything else I had in place, Facebook just seemed pointless.

Facebook does make it easier to begin, or renew, relationships. However, it is also just as effective as deteriorating existing ones if you let it. For me, I let it. The false contact you make on Facebook too easily replaces real contact. You saw your friend’s photos of their new baby online so the urgency to visit them in person is somewhat diminished. You wished your friend a Happy Birthday in a cute post and even attached a cute little cupcake, so you’re off the hook for calling her or sending her a card– or are you? For me, the answer is no.

In my quest to get back to me, to MutantSupermodelness, I have found myself getting back to basics. Rubin’s book recently made it even easier to consider just how to do this with her proposal to consider what you enjoyed doing as a 10 year old as a way of reconnecting with your true sources of enjoyment. Doing this has reinforced my inclination that I’m too connected online and too disconnected offline. I want to be the person who sends you a birthday card in the mail. I want to be the person who gets together with her friends. I like to read. I like to write. I like to make things. While the internet does provide me with a lot of modern versions of all of these things, I also find myself too easily absorbed by the online version and too neglectful of the offline version. I need to find a happy medium. Here are some of the steps I have taken, or will be taking soon, to do so:

  • Disconnected data services from my phone. All it does now is call and text.
  • Creating an enormous and comprehensive address book on Gmail using the information I am obtaining in my last days of Facebooking. This has been really fun for me to do and I’m excited about the possibilites open to me having this info.
  • Deleting Facebook. Keeping my blog, Twitter, and Flickr. Created a Tumblr account. I want to keep my online and offline personalities separate. I enjoy having an online community but when I blur it with my offline community, things fall apart.
  • Making a conscious effort to reach out to the people in my offline world I care deeply about. I have read so much on the importance of groups and getting together that to deny myself (and my children!) those opportunities to grow, just seems sort of irresponsible.

Of course, a lot of these things seemingly require more effort on my part so what remains to be seen is how well I can manage these relationships and relationship-building activities without heavy reliance on the internet. It’s important to note, I don’t plan on eliminating the internet as a tool to communicate. I think e-mail is excellent and practical, but even that has become replaced to a large extent by things like Facebook. But when it comes down to it, I just think these things are really important and especially at this juncture in my life I feel a need to remain more grounded.

“Back to basics” has become a sort of mantra I find myself repeating on an almost daily basis. I have often mentioned that I felt I lost a part of myself through the marriage I was in. Maybe this was because I was still young and not completely sure of what I was really about. Maybe I had a pretty good idea but was too frightened to exert it. Maybe it was a bit of a combination. After all, it’s hard to exert yourself when you’re not really sure what it is you’re pushing forward. But, I’m putting the puzzle pieces together and I’m liking the image that’s emerging. I feel more and more confident every day. I feel more assured of my path, my future, my potential. I like where I am, I like where I’m going. When I get confused, I ask myself what I would want my kids to do and find that’s a pretty good answer to my problem.

On Birds, Themes, & Collections

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Last year immediately following the separation I was filled with a surge of energy, confidence, and exhiliration. I felt completely empowered and in control of my life for the first time in a long time. This faded away a couple of months in, but not until I worked through a few things. For the first time in my life, I was attracted to self-help books and the like and was determined to get things in order or at least to a state I was content with. I took it out on my house. Armed with a copy of Karen Kingston’s “Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui” I ripped through the house bagging and tossing ruthlessly (a process which was actually driven to an absolutey frenzy in April with a garage sale and has since fizzled out). It was while reading the book though that I came across one of the most interesting anecdotes I’ve read in a book. Kingston was talking about collections and described a woman she was working with. After the initial walkthrough Kingston asked the woman “What’s with the ducks?” and the woman looked at her completely baffled. Kingston had noticed the woman had incorporated ducks into practically every inch of her home. The woman hadn’t even noticed.

This story completely amused me. I love collections. I love seeing them and pondering them. And I have always found it to be true the most interesting and wonderful collections are either completely unintentional, like the duck woman, or without purpose– aka, not looking to make a buck. Well, I walked around my house taking it in wondering what theme would rise before me and boom! Birds. Mind you, I was clearly nowhere near the obssessed stage of the duck woman but I really liked birds. On my art wall, if I have 12 pieces, 8 have birds. In my foyer hangs one printed canvas and it features a blackbird among a shock of brilliant flowers. There were birds on my t-shirts and on at least one purse. I have a wind-up bird toy and bird Christmas ornaments. And most telling of all, there were birds on my comforter and throw pillow.

Finding the birds was an experience. I was glad no one was with me because it really caused me to do some reflecting. A lot of the stuff with bird motifs I’d begun acquiring about the middle of the marriage, a point where I’d already contemplated leaving ExMutant more than once, felt incredibly stifled with my life situation, and was deeply unsatisfied. I’ve never had a keen interest in birds. I think they’re pretty to look at and I’ve often considered perhaps having one as a pet but that’s about it. I’ve never really looked into birds, learned the different species, songs, etc. So, I’m pretty convinced this collection was pretty much born from a subconscious symbolic significance. Lightness, freedom, flight, cheeriness. These are the things I associate with birds. Also, nesting works well for me as the collection sprung very much in my own heavy nesting period in life. I think these are the things I wanted more than anything and so I looked to images of birds to bring them into my home. Now, I don’t necessarily seek out birds intentionally, but I am keenly aware I am still attracted their imagery– swooning over jewelry that incorporates them, intrigued by various decor items featuring the bird motif, even contemplating a tattoo with a bird design.

Most recently, I’ve considered taking a bird as a pet because my children are driving me batty for a pet. I loathe dogs, my son is seriously allergic to cats, and I’m afraid I’d kill more fish than sustain them in a tank. I’m sort of conflicted about having a bird as a pet however. Considering that flight and freedom are two characteristics I really admired, I can’t help but think it’d be tragic to have one in my home. Then again, I know of many people who train birds, hand-feed them, and routinely let birds out of their cages to freely fly around so I haven’t ruled it out either. I’ve also considered doing things in my backyard to attract the bluejays that often hang out and the cardinals that pop up during Winter.

What about you? Have you ever looked at what treasures lie in your home? What themes you seem to surround yourself with?

New Chapter: Career

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Well, this week I write the last few pages of another chapter in my career as I end my days at the elevator company. In a couple of weeks, I will begin working at the med school of the local university. I am really excited about the change for a million and one reasons. Here are some of my top pros about the new job:

  • Higher Purpose. My job has an actual purpose that does not mainly focus on fattening already fat wallets belonging to a bunch of white dudes. I get to contribute to a program that educates doctors around the world on how to help at-risk babies. That? Is completely awesome.
  • Amazing benefits. Most notably, 100% college tuition for my dependents after ten years of service. Yes, please. Rumor has it they also fund 100% of tuition for some Masters programs. That’s for me thank you very much.
  • Interesting, educated people. I’ll be working with two insanely experienced, dedicated, and amazing pediatricians. On top of that, their staff are all “lifers”, women, and amazingly nice. Not to mention that I will be working with several doctors as I get them through the process of enrolling in and completing the program.
  • Gorgeous work environment– kind of. Ok so my actual desk is in a little cubicle with no window to speak of. Not a HUGE difference from now on except I’ll actually have privacy. However, the huge boost is the place the office is located in. Right now, my office is in a scary warehouse compound. Our ancient office building is enclosed in barbed wire fencing. The new building is on a medical campus that is very pedestrian-friendly. I will actually have to walk back and forth between the hospital and the office building because one of the doctors is stationed in the hospital. This seriously excites me.
  • Possible public transportation opportunities. I have to look into this a little bit but the Medical campus has its own stop on the rail system and my son’s daycare is just a few blocks from another one. Once I settle in and feel good about my routines, I’ll definitely try it. Plus once the baby is done with daycare next year, it’s likely I’ll have even more options. Maybe I can even bike to a rail station! Where I’m at now, public transportation is simply a huge headache and hassle that isn’t worth the trouble.
  • And the number one pro as far as my Mother is concerned? Why doctors of course!

The process has been long and tedious– I started it back in April believe it or not and today I had to rush over to have my first of two TB screenings read. But, I am really excited about the whole thing. The people there have also been really enthusiastic since meeting me and that’s been refreshing. Let’s just say here, a lot of people are intimidated by me. I’ve pretty much been a total recluse here. That’s been a good thing but now that I’m on this new life voyage, I’m becoming interested in meeting people and forming friendships. Working at the University definitely allows me significantly more opportunities to do that than the elevator company. The most intriguing aspect is that the program will largely be for me to mold. They want the event to grow and grow which means as the coordinator, I get to grow and grow. I’m pretty sure the first couple of years aren’t going to be like that, and that’s ok. I like learning things, getting acquainted, and feeling comfortable before charging ahead full-force. In this company, I’ve never felt the freedom to really go wild despite the ridiculous amount of knowledge and respect I’ve gathered and that’s been pretty stifling. The difference, I think, will be mostly that the University wants changes and the elevator company doesn’t.

I haven’t made much of a thing about it here even though I desperately want to. I just don’t know if it’s appropriate I guess and that has me sort of baffled but also uninterested. I told a couple of people I care about and a couple of people it affects have approached me about it but that’s it. Regardless, I’m a very happy lady.