I have logged into WordPress several times the past few months with the complete intention of writing something and all I can muster forth is a book review, and another, and another. I start to type something different, to tell you something new, and yet I end up deleting it all and plugging in another book review.
I figure this time, even though I have deleted my entry no less than three times already, I am not going to cop-out with another book review despite the fact that I finished Game of Thrones last week and have things to say on it. And I ought to maybe say those things before they are gone from my head forever but at the end of the day– do my thoughts on Game of Thrones really matter? Does what I have to say about a book that is beyond a doubt a success bring something new and interesting to the table?
Months ago I began withdrawing. Well, actually that’s not true. I have been withdrawing for a few years. But as far as Internet is concerned, it was months ago. Nothing specific caused it. There was not one single defining event that made me say, “You know what? I need a break from the Internet.” I just kind of… took it. I stopped writing and I stopped reading the blogs.
I think, when I get down to it, what really happened is that I got tired of myself and the blog is a reflection of myself. You have years of my life on here. Years. And you know what I started to see when I looked at the years of my life on here?
Same shit, different day. Same old tired tune. Same exact cycle over and over and over and over again.
I learn how to best do this and how to effectively do that and when is good for this and why that is better than this. But, I do not make the changes, the real lasting changes. I do not, for lack of a completely honestly better phrase, grow up.
Oh sure the specifics, the details, they change. But the core of the matter doesn’t. How much growth have I done really? Knowing things is not the same thing as doing things. Learning the best way to pay off your credit card debt and how to create the perfect budgeting system doesn’t mean you paid off your credit card debt and are sticking to a budget. Figuring out that you need to make more money, and even thinking up of some really good ways to go about and making that money does not mean you are now making more money. Choosing the best fitness program and designing a fool-proof diet does not mean you are now being active and eating in a healthy manner.
Knowledge is important. There is no denying that. But just as important, heck perhaps even more important, is the action, the drive, the initiative and the courage to actually commit to something and make it happen.
I am full to bursting with knowledge and running on fumes with initiative and courage.
I don’t think that I was always like this. I think that when I was younger, I was gutsier. I want to say that once upon a time I was bolder and really did try new things with dedication. Then again, if there’s something else I can add to the list of things that I know is that our once upon a times are nothing more than the fairy tales we tell. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. The point is that I am not and have not been for quite some time.
I think that maybe life broke in and stole my courage, my dedication, and my initiative away. In the past, oh, 15 years, I have made one glorious mistake after another and then gone ahead and repeated every single one in various degrees of ineptitude. All while preaching the virtues of learning from one’s mistakes, picking oneself up and becoming stronger from that which does not end you.
Except that maybe some things do end. Maybe life does come in and not just chip away at us but suffocates one part or another.
I want to change. I want to break every single shitty cycle I have been caught up in since I became an adult. I want very much for the ride to stop and for me to exit in a confident manner. I want to leave the ride behind and move on to something way more suitable to who I really am.
But truth be told, I am tired. I am so tired and my mind’s voice does not stop singing the same destructive songs I have been hearing for so many years.
And maybe I’m scared of the other rides. Maybe, as much as I hate this one, I know this one. I know how this ride goes. I know that it goes up ever so slowly and that it plummets down suddenly and ridiculously fast and sometimes it jumps again but more often than not it twists and turns lower and lower still until eventually it comes up ever so slowly again. I know that. I know how to hold myself together just barely through the downturns and I know that I have held myself together every single time I have thought no, this time I won’t be able to.
But what happens if I do get off this ride?
What happens then?
What if the next one is bigger and scarier and rougher and faster and so much worse?
What if the next one is a dream to ride? What if it is smooth and has just enough excitement to keep you laughing but doesn’t ever get terrifying?
What then? What am I without the anxiety?
Instead of putting an end to the craziness, I come up with one distracting reason or project after another. That’s the damn truth. I bury myself in one inane, useless time and energy suck after another. No one even asks me to! I just plunge in and out. And when they do ask me, I cannot deny them relieved to have something else to distract me from the completely honest truth that my life is of my own creation and my own inaction.
I need to move. I don’t need to “figure it out.” Figure WHAT out for the love of Twix? I already know what has to be done to get out of this stupid pit.
Want financial security?
Pay off your debt and don’t accrue more debt. Make more than you spend, invest and save the surplus.
Want to live a meaningful life?
Do things you love. Do them with people you love and do them for people and organizations you care about.
Want to reduce stress?
Delegate as much as you can. Share the load you carry. Eliminate what isn’t needed.
Want to be healthier?
Get off your ass and don’t put crap in your body.
Want a better social life?
Be around people. Bonus points if you are around people you either like or who you might not really know but you know they share your interests.
When I was younger every one on the god damn planet called me a know it all. And holy crap I know that I don’t know it all but I do know A LOT. And the thing that I really know is that knowing is only HALF the battle and by far, the easiest part of the battle.
It is the other half that is elusive. The part where you go charging in whether in total stealth mode or screaming like a banshee that’s your call, but the part where you actually step onto the battlefield and fight it out– that’s the part of me that I just can’t tap. Oh I have my little surges. My half-hearted attempts to kind of maybe get close-ish to something before I suddenly remember HEY THERE MIGHT BE A BETTER WAY TO DO BATTLE!!!! And then I run away again. And while I’m looking for a better way to do battle, I’ll also make coffee, and type up a report, and make this pretty chart, and do this little project for this other battalion over here, oh and this soldier wanted me to send something to their family, and oh wouldn’t it be amazing if I could learn this neat new skill so that I could go into battle on a helicopter instead of on foot? YEAH I am so busy with all this stuff to do I just can’t set foot on the battlefield right now, but when I do… HA look out world!
And that’s how fifteen years go by and you’re still running around the office while your friends tell amazing stories and have medals or died trying and everyone else is telling stories about them– especially to you because there you are sitting in the office and everyone else is too busy doing battle to talk.
There are a crapload of extended metaphors in here and I am truly sorry about that but it’s what happens when my brain has diarrhea.
This post might seem crazy and out of left freaking field, but it’s not. This post has been years and years in the making. As a matter of fact, I may have even made this post before at least a couple of times because this is the kind of post I would make if I was trying to get myself to break out of some sort of cycle– again. I think that maybe that is the only difference this time, if there is any difference to be found. I think that this time I am very aware of my excuses and my methods and my cop-outs. I am very aware that I have sung this damn song so very many times and have done absolutely NOTHING concrete to bring out real tangible changes. I am aware and even ashamed that I am here again doing this dance on the sidelines.
Do I stay, do I go? If I stay, I know what it will be like and I know that I will hate it for all the days that I stay in it. I know it, I know it, I know it. But if I go… if I go…