I went into this year, this 2015, really excited. I felt confident and positive and things were well. Yes, there was some yuckiness to be expected because that’s life but I mean overall, I felt good about this year.
Despite the month of March and what transpired there, I remain positive and confident in what this year holds. March had its very painful moments. I was truly shaken by what happened with my niece. All of it– from the premature birth, to the suspenseful days she spent in the NICU, to her passing, to the funeral, to this Saturday where we placed the tiny tiny tiny urn that held her ashes into the mausoleum, was really intense and painful. And it was also surprising in its intensity. You can’t really anticipate how something will affect you until you go through it I guess.
I have to say though that I feel ok with this tragedy. That is not to say that I am happy that it happened of course. What I am trying to say is that I don’t feel like I have been flung into hopelessness and despair because of it. Yes there has been grief, real and intense grief. And there
was is anger and frustration. But mostly there have been teachable moments and I feel that I have embraced them and I feel that I have handled myself better than I may have had this happened a year ago for instance.
I bought a journal for myself right around the time she was born. My sister in law wanted one for herself to document the experience of her birth and what she anticipated would be their life with a baby in the NICU. While searching for hers, I found one that touched me for me so I picked it up.
It said this on the cover:
I keep thinking a lot about that. In a way, I guess it’s sort of my mantra right now. You see, something I say a lot is that I am tired. People who know me even mention how frequently I mention my exhaustion.
It’s slowly occuring to me that maybe the exhaustion isn’t due to little sleep or to lots of physical activity but maybe it’s because I’m constantly fighting with the wind.
On Tuesday, my boyfriend went out of town to stay with his daughter while her mother went on a vacation. He came back on Sunday. This weekend, the kids were with their father. This little break from the norm was refreshing. It was also a little eye-opening and I am glad it happened. I wish in a way that it would happen a little more frequently actually. You learn a lot about yourself when you get a few days on your own.
I am the kind of person that tends to set themselves aside frequently. At this point, the why isn’t important. I am thinking that this is not a really good thing to do. I’m not even talking about setting myself aside in a material way– putting the physical needs of others first and then the physical wants of others right after that and then my own needs and my own wants. That is not even really the large problem.
The truth is, I don’t really listen to myself. I listen to other people. I do things because other people think it’s a good idea to do something. I do things because other people like to do them. I’m constantly fighting my own wind. I listen to so many voices, I lose my own in the rabble. So getting that silence if you will was… really nice.
The thing is that I like me. I actually do. I like the kind of person that I am. I like the values that I have. I like the priorities I choose. The thing is that I put the opinions of others above my own and that’s where I get lost. I am fighting my inner self to be more like other people.
It’s so silly.
Having that breathing room this past week helped me see that. I don’t listen to my heart enough.I think, more than anything, tuning into myself this past week was the reason I enjoyed myself so much. I did not feel lonely once.
And I think also that’s why I’m at peace with March. It came in and it had a lot of tragedy with it. But it had some good and beautiful things too. And tha’s life. I am looking forward to the rest of this year. Something tells me, this is one of the most significant years of my life.